


Don't Ask (I Won't Tell)

by soniclipstick (veriscence)



Series: Love in the time of DADT [1]
Category: The Losers (2010)
Genre: Abusive Parents, Child Neglect, DADT, Dissociation, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Interrogation, M/M, Medical Procedures, Original Character Death(s), Pansexual Jake, September 11 Attacks, Team Love in the Time of DADT
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-22
Updated: 2015-09-22
Packaged: 2018-04-15 07:43:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 50,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4598520
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/veriscence/pseuds/soniclipstick
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jake Jensen is sixteen when he meets Tony Stark at MIT. He's nineteen when he joins the US army, and twenty-four when he becomes a Loser. Becoming a Loser is also when he happens to discover that DADT might apply.</p><p>But that is not where this story begins. It begins on a cold, winter morning in Massachusetts, when a little girl with hair the colour of cornflakes meets her newborn brother for the first time. </p><p>(In which there are evil toasters, all-around nerdiness, and <em> ohana </em>).</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ereshai](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ereshai/gifts).



> This fic would not be half as good as it is today if it weren't for the wonderful people who are part of Team Love in the Time of DADT. So a HUGE thank you to...
> 
>  **Amethystina** , who beta'd chapters one through six, despite crazy work schedules, being stuck in the middle of nowhere with limited internet, and even illness. I cannot be grateful enough for your investment in this story. You've made me a better writer, and I'm so very thankful for it.  
>  **Maharetr** , who was awesome enough to spring in and beta the rest, and read through the whole thing while she was writing her compliment. offer fantastic advice. You're a brilliant person and I'm so glad to have met you. Your complement fic makes my fic 20000 x better:D  
>  **Kisahawklin** , who is the best cheerleader ever, who also gave me some lovely advice, and encouraged me even when I was being a nincompoop. I adore you!  
>  **Nagasvoice** , my fact checker, without whom this fic would be embarrassingly inaccurate. Thank you.
> 
> Also, this fic is a gift for ereshai, who was first to welcome me into the Losers fandom. You're amazing, I adore you, and I'm glad we can fangirl over more than just Clint/Coulson now!:D

_Jessica Jensen's most vivid childhood memory is of the cold winter morning when her baby brother was born. She still remembers every single detail of that day, like dad forgetting her jacket in the rush to the hospital, or sitting beside mom to look at little baby all swaddled up in a blanket. She has a crystal clear memory of thinking that Jake had hair the colour of corn flakes, and eyes just like her own. She's a big sister now. She's going to take care of him._

_Years and years later, long after she stopped calling Lynn, Massachusetts home, Jess kisses the top of Beth's golden head while she munches on corn flakes and cannot stop herself from laughing._

* * *

Jake Jensen is watching _Magic School Bus_ on an early Saturday morning when Jess comes home. The tumbler thrown in Jess' direction misses her by a few feet. Jake is so absorbed in figuring out how the class is going to going to get out of Arnold’s digestive system — eww — that he only notices when the cheap glass shatters against the wall, drenching him with liquid and broken shards of glass. It's his first sample of whiskey; cough syrup tastes better. 

Jake slowly turns around to look at them. Mom's in the kitchen, gesturing with empty hands and lips moving. Jess stands frozen.

Dad is a movement in the corner of Jake's eyes, smoke from his lit blunt curling in the air as he yells something back. Jake’s quite proud of how he's rolled the joint. If Dad isn’t happy with Jake, he’ll press the hot end against his skin until it leaves burns and blisters. It doesn’t hurt much anymore. Still, Jake hates how much it smells.

And they're off. Mom is screaming again but her voice sounds further and further away. In the commotion Jake gets swept up into Jess’ skinny arms and carried upstairs. She takes him to the bathroom, shuts the door and sits him on the edge of the bathtub. They don't have bandages or disinfectant like they do in the nurses’ office at school, but Jess makes do with the half-bottle of tequila and an old towel. She’s wearing the necklace grandma had given her when she was younger, before Jake was born. It’s the brightest thing in the room. The little stone glitters as the sun hits it, bright and distracting. When Jess winces the necklace moves against her collarbone, and she keeps cringing every time she pulls another shard out of his skin. A drop of water trickles down her neck and wets the necklace. Jake finally looks up.

Jess is crying.

The world is clear again. When Jess cries, Jake has to get out of his safe place, because when Jess cries, that means she’s scared and worried. And Jake hates it when Jess gets like that and will do anything to make her smile again.

"Jess? Please don’t cry, I’m okay. How was work?" he asks, hoping to distract her.

"Was okay," she mumbles. Jess works the night shifts at the nearby twenty-four hour gas station. "Boring."

"Did you have time to finish your essay?"

"Yeah, it's all done. So we can hang out today, if you want." She wipes at the cuts one final time.

"Really? Can we go to the library please?" If Jake’s lucky, the _Yu-Gi-Oh!_ volume he was reading last time might still be there, and he can pick up right where he left off. Jake could get a card but Jess says you have to give them your address for that, and that’s a big no-no.

"Sure,” Jess says with a grin. It gives her wrinkles. Jake frowns. Jess isn’t a grown up yet; she shouldn’t look so tired. It’s wrong. And it’s kind of selfish, Jake thinks, to make her take him to the library when she was up all night.

"I didn't sleep so well, can we go take a nap first?" Jake asks.

"Were you up late trying to fix that old radio again?”

Well, yes. But he’s not tired from that, not really. The radio’s not working yet, but it will be soon enough. So Jake just shakes his head and gives Jess the puppy face that still works, thank God. He’s nine years old now, who knows how long he can keep it up?

“Okay then. Nap, and then the library. But first, I got something for us." She shrugs her backpack off her shoulder and unzips it, pulling out two blackening bananas and a can of wieners. "Patrick said I could have these because he can’t sell them. And the wieners only expired yesterday."

Jake's stomach grumbles at the sight of food and he forgets about everything else. He accepts the banana Jess holds out and peels it open with single-minded glee. For a few minutes, the two of them just eat, Jake sitting on the bathtub edge and Jess on the cracked linoleum. Jess opens up the pull-tab lid, takes out two slimy wieners, and hands one over to him. The taste of banana and meat is probably supposed to be weird, but he's too hungry to care.

Later when they crawl into Jess’ bigger bed together, Jake curls up against Jess, his head resting on her belly. He tells her all about what he learned in school yesterday, until she dozes off.  

-

A year later, Mom leaves to go buy some cigarettes, and it takes three days before Dad notices she’s gone. Neither Jess nor Jake brought it up during that time because they’re afraid to hear that she isn’t coming back.  

So for three days, things carry on like normal. Jess goes to work, Jake goes to school and spends all his free time fixing the old computer he’d found on the sidewalk two streets over. The house is finally quiet.

Of course, when Dad finally _does_ notice, he just throws Mom’s stuff out.

Then he misses work for two days while getting black-out drunk.

It’s Jess who calls the dock manager and tells her Dad’s sick. He’s only working part-time anyway and if he misses too many days without explanation, he’s going to lose the job. There is no way in hell they’ll survive on Jess’ salary. Jake doesn’t tell anyone because he doesn’t have anyone to tell, and he knows what the social workers do to kids when they don’t like the parents.

He doesn’t want to be separated from Jess. Ever.

-

Two years later, Jess finishes high school, and her friend’s dad helps her get a full-time job in Boston doing deliveries for UPS. Jake spends two weeks sullen, angry, and feeling more than a little bit abandoned, until the day Jess is supposed to leave. Because that’s when Jess strolls up to dad with a bag of three-eighths of coke. “Jake’s staying the summer with me.”

Dad grabs at the drugs and waves Jake away. Jake watches her in awe until she shrugs at him. “I wasn’t sure I had enough money for the product, Jake. And I didn’t want to disappoint you. Go get your stuff.”

Jake scrambles downstairs and grabs the old computer and hurries to put it in her beat up Mercury, ready to go.

Jess laughs. “You need clothes, you nincompoop.”

-

Jake loves Boston, loves all the people and the smell of salt in the air. He even loves the tiny two-bedroom apartment with its grimy windows that still aren’t transparent after a whole day of scrubbing. He loves the furniture the earlier tenant had left behind: the twin bed in Jake’s room and the bookshelf he’s using for clothes. He loves Street Couch, the couch that Jess and he had found on the curb and dragged in. Jake’s tall for a thirteen-year-old and he’s stronger than he looks, so the two of them manage it, huffing and puffing like big bad wolves.

Jake loves the old trunk they’re using for a coffee table and the curtains their neighbour old Mrs. Noble sews for them. He loves spending the days in the apartment with all the windows open, reading or tinkering or cleaning while waiting for Jess to come home. Sometimes Mrs. Barton will ask him to lend a hand with baking or poor newly widowed Mr. Logan will trade him toffee for help around the house. The point is, he doesn’t get bored even when Jess only manages to come home by eight in the evening.

This early evening, he’s pulling apart the PC on the living room floor (this time, this time he’s going to bring her to life, he _just knows it_ ). They don’t have a table yet, and working on the trunk is impossible. He _needs_ more space.

The doorbell rings. Jess isn’t home but Jake figures what the hell, and opens the door. The lady outside is wearing a business suit, with her black hair gathered up in a loose ponytail. She introduces herself as Mrs Banerjee. She wants to know where his parents are. He tells her he doesn’t talk to strangers, and shuts the door in her face. Then locks it for good measure. Jess has a key.  

Jess is gone on an overnight trip and is supposed to be back any time now. He writes himself a post-it reminder to tell her about the lady. But when Jess walks in twenty minutes later, hands full of groceries, it’s Miss Baner-what’s-her-face who holds the door open. Jess puts the two paper bags on the kitchen counter, and asks Jake to put them away. She goes into the living room with Miss You-Know-Who.

Jake obeys, and tries to listen in, but they keep their voices very low.

Afterwards, they ask him to join them on the couch, and ‘Mrs Banerjee’ (thank you, Jess for that reintroduction) asks him whether he’d like to stay with Jess forever.  

He looks at Jess, then around the apartment. Jake's only ever lived in their old house in Lynn, but this tiny two-bedroom apartment in Boston with its leaky faucets and peeling walls has felt like home since the moment he walked in. So he turns back to Mrs Banerjee and says, “Duh.”

-

They have to drive back to Lynn for the court hearing, but they get there only to have Dad be a no-show. They don’t know where mom is, either, and Jess starts looking worried. Jake waits anxiously until the judge asks him where he wants to live.

Jake looks at Jess (she’s wearing a pantsuit and looks like a proper adult; it’s _really_ weird), at Mrs Banerjee who’s smiling at him, and then at the empty seat where dad should be, and answers the judge. The judge nods, and tells him that since his parents didn’t show up, they’ve forfeited their rights, and he can go home with Jess.

Afterwards, Jess takes him to McDonald's (“It’s a good day, Jake. We can splurge a little!”). She orders small fries for herself, and a Happy Meal for him. Jake wonders when he can start working so he can treat Jess to McDonald's.

There's a toy inside; the plastic label says, "Spider-Man". Jake's heard of Spider-Man. Teddy at school loves the cartoon, but they only had PBS at home so Jake doesn't know much about it. But it's a cool-looking toy so he puts it in his pocket and eats his chicken nuggets.

-

They have dinner on the second-hand couch in the living room for months until Mr. Logan buys a new dining table and offers them his old set. It doesn’t stop them from eating on the couch, but Jake can scatter his array of mismatched tech on the table instead of the floor now. At the very least, his knees are thankful.

Their TV is huge and heavy and doesn’t even work when Jake finds it beside the dumpster. Three hours and one — _Very Small_ , if he might add — fire later, they turn it on and _Reading Rainbow_ greets them on PBS.

-

Mrs Banerjee visits a couple times — sometimes after making plans with Jess, but sometimes also without warning when Jake’s home alone. Once, she catches him working on the PC, and listens to him talk about optical drives for an hour until Jess comes home. Sometimes, she asks questions. Sometimes, she just lets him be and writes notes on her clipboard.

Jess does well working in delivery. She packs him a lunch whether she’s leaving early morning or in the middle of the night. Mostly, they’re PB and J’s that Jake can make on his own, but Jess likes doing it for him so Jake doesn’t complain. Even if her peanut butter to jelly ratio needs some serious rethinking.  

The next time Mrs Banerjee visits, she brings him a _ThinkPad._ Her husband works in IT, and he doesn’t need it anymore, so Jake can have it if he wants it. Mrs Banerjee has to wave her hand in front of his face (no doubt to see if he’s still in their solar system) before he manages to say thank you. He waits politely until after she leaves to tear it apart.

-

So Jake goes to school, goes to the library to do homework, and comes home so he can pull his PC apart and put it back together until he gets sick of it (spoiler alert: he never gets sick of it).

Jake's new school is at least ten times the size of his old one, and the teachers pay a lot more attention to him. One day, they ask Jess to come to school after class is out. They’re in a meeting room with all his teachers and the principal, and Jake rakes his mind to figure out what he did wrong. His math teacher Ms. Fry just smiles at him though, so maybe things are okay.

Things are more than okay, it turns out. The teachers think the reason he's such a chatterbox is because he's not being challenged in class, and want him to take an IQ test. He gets a 149 on the Stanford-Binet test, and they move him up two grades and want to stick him in the gifted program. But his current district doesn’t offer gifted programs, so they suggest he switch to the other high school, which is a good half-hour walk away. Jake doesn’t really care — he doesn’t have friends here so who’s he going to miss?  And he can’t bear to disappoint Jess, who wants him to become president or something. He agrees to the change, and it takes Jess two weeks to remember how to walk without skipping.

So they’re right, he is a genius. But they’re also so very wrong because all the extra work isn’t going to help him shut up —now there’s just more interesting stuff he can talk about. But at least he isn’t bored in class anymore. Now he's just the only fourteen year old junior in the school.

He's also the loneliest junior in the school.

He spends a lot of time at the public library. The librarians don't mind that he talks a lot. He learns to keep his voice down, and gains Mrs. Linda’s approval by speculating on what _Lord of the Flies_ would have been like if the characters had all been girls. She smiles and continues putting returned books back on the shelves, listening intently and answering questions when he switches to the history of the Dewey Decimal System. Then she offers him a job re-shelving books on Saturday mornings.

It’s in that old dusty library that Jake meets Spider-Man again. They never bothered with cable television at home, so he's not gotten to see the cartoon yet.

It's issue 384. Spider-Man is getting sentenced to death; Jake has nearly no idea what in the hell is going on, but he's fascinated anyway. From there on out, it's like a waterfall, everyday Jake comes home with new comics to read. There's _Watchmen, The New Teen Titans, The Sandman, Astro City_ , and so much more. He’s behind everyone else because he has to wait for the comics to show up at the library, but it’s fine because he doesn’t know anyone else who reads them other than his sister anyway. He refuses to pay for them with the meagre earnings he has from his library gig. Jess buys him any school supplies he needs, and she told him to save up anyway, so he hasn’t touched his bank account. The reason why she wants him to do that though, takes him a while to figure out.

Jess wants him to go to college.

Jake wonders where in the hell they're going to get that kind of money. No matter how much they save, they won’t be able to cover more than a year’s worth of tuition. But Jess is his best and only friend, so he keeps his doubts to himself and holes up in his room to study. One of many good things about having a ninety-three-year-old librarian for a tutor and boss is that he has all the time in the world to study.

-

Jess has hair like Rapunzel. Jake would too, if he let it grow, but Jess buzzes it off every six weeks so that doesn't happen. Jake loves Jess' hair too much to cut it for her, but Jess sits all day in the stifling heat of the car, so she compromises. She’ll keep it if he braids it up for her every night before bed. And so Jake learns to do all sorts of braids: the French, the Dutch, the fishtail (the library books are particularly helpful here). In the time it takes him to master the fishtail, Jess knits a gigantic — if butt-ugly —orange blanket. He can’t blame her for the colour; they’d gotten the yarn from Mrs. Noble across the hallway. She has lots of crafting material and terrible eyesight.

They sit on the couch together, Jake braiding and Jess knitting. It always takes at least a good half-hour every day and Jake's fingers are usually sore by the end of it. Jess looks so beautiful and kisses him on the forehead before telling him to go to bed, and Jake's smile is so wide it hurts his cheeks sometimes.

-

When MIT calls and offers him a scholarship (pretty rad seeing as he hadn't even sent an application), he sits down with a shaking-with-excitement Jess, and they discuss their options. They pull up Jake's laptop and crunch some numbers, and realise it's _actually_ possible, as long as he gets the tuition and a private grant or two. They have the savings, in which case, he would only need to pay for a part of his tuition and textbooks, as well as a monthly train pass.

This could actually happen.

-

“What do you want to study?”

Jake is sitting in a tiny office in the only pair of slacks he owns, sweating like a pig. Spider-Man is poking him from his back pocket but he pays it no attention, nor Jess who is nearly vibrating beside him. His new MIT counsellor is looking at him expectantly.

Jake thinks of his old PC, now cannibalized beyond recognition, and grins.


	2. Two

“So, you’re the runt my mom’s money is putting through college?” Jake ignores the voice at first; e has ten minutes to find his way to Introduction to Computer Organisation and Architecture, and he has a valid hypothesis that he’s in the wrong building. He looks up from the map in his hand, and then does a double take. The boy in front of him is a pole with a mop of raven locks stuck on one end. He’s smirking up at Jake, but there’s something about him that seems harmless.

“Runt? I’m like a foot taller than you,” Jake retorts, but with a smile.

“That’s rude. Are you trying to make me angry? Because you —”

“Wouldn’t like you when you’re angry?” Jake finishes the sentence with a wide grin. “Nice t-shirt.”

“Likewise.” The boy points to Jake’s shirt, where an angry Hulk is bursting out from the seams, roaring at his mirror image on the kid’s chest. “So, are you?”

“What?”

“Jacob Jensen? Can I call you Jake?” the kid asks with his hands in his pockets.

Jake tilts his head to the side. “Who are you?”

“Tony Stark.”

Wait a second. “Stark? As in Stark Industries?” As in Maria Stark Foundation, who’s paying for a good half of his tuition this year. As in, Stark Industries, the biggest weapons manufacturing company in the world.

“Like I said, you’re the runt my mom’s putting through college. Now come on, if we don’t get moving, we’re going to be late for class.”

-

Tony, at fourteen, is the only student on campus who is younger than Jake. Tony is fourteen, and Jake remembers being the only fourteen year old junior in high school. So when Tony invites him over after school to play Super Mario 64, he ends up having to say yes. Not that he minds all that much.

Jake's never been in such a nice apartment, but Tony's a total slob despite only having been here for a few weeks. Tony rolls his eyes and tells him the cleaning lady will take care of it, and Jake realises maybe he has no idea what he's gotten himself into. Jake ends up being amazing at video games despite having never played, and Tony just laughs like a maniac. They make pancakes (after two failed tries) and drown them in artisanal organic maple syrup — none of that Aunt Jemima stuff Jake and Jess are used to. It’s not as sweet as he’s used to, but then again, it’s _maple_ syrup from actual maple trees, not high fructose corn syrup, and Jake wants to write a report on the differences.

Jake comes home red-cheeked and bright-eyed. Jess wants to know about MIT, but all he can talk about is Tony. Jess laughs and tells him it’s good he’s making friends.

When Tony comes over the first time, Jake's a bit embarrassed because his living room's the size of Tony's bathroom, but Tony charms Jess and asks for seconds even if dinner's just violently orange macaroni and cheese.

Jake's never had a best friend before. It's weird, but he likes it. Tony talks just as much as Jake does so they're always tripping over each other's words, but it never gets annoying. Jake knows that Tony will never get sick of his words, the same way he will never ever get sick of Tony’s constant information overload.

Tony develops a habit of giving Jake his old laptops every month or so. At first Jake is suspicious, and then he realises that Tony is actually physically allergic to older model laptops, and has a pathological need for upgrades. So Jake ends up with lots of parts he doesn't need, but also stuff he'd otherwise have to give away his first, second and third-born children to get.

Tony goes to all the parties, gets drunk, and sleeps with women who have no business sleeping with a fourteen year old. At least, that’s what Jess says. And Jake’s with Jess on that, even if he has no personal experience to speak of.

Jake hates the smell of alcohol — can’t bear the taste of the whiskey Tony chugs like water — but Tony’s his only friend. More importantly, Jake is Tony’s only real friend (the groupies who follow him around because of his money and cars don’t count) and he doesn’t dare think of where Tony’ll end up if Jake abandons him too.

Things change when exam time starts.

It goes something like this. First there’s Justin Hammer, the idiot child of Stark Industries’ rival manufacturer, “who has no business being anywhere near rotary telephones, let alone modern weaponry”, and that’s quote-on-quote Tony right there, minus the APA referencing. Then there’s a party at Hammer’s harbour house. Jake’s not invited, but Tony is. Tony wants him to come along anyway as his plus one, but Jake has an exam in two days he really needs to study for. Biology is really interesting, but Jake’s always been better at understanding concepts than memorising facts.

At two am Jake answers a call from some guy who hits speed dial on Tony's phone, and gets Jake. Later Jake learns that the party had escalated into a dare involving skinny dipping in the Boston harbour in the middle of February. But at the moment, Jake doesn’t give a shit about how it happened, he just wants Tony safe, and not with a bunch of assholes who couldn’t care less whether Tony was breathing or not, as long as they got themselves on the front page of tomorrows paper with him.

Jake spends the next five minutes begging Phone Dude not to call the hospital or police, because then they’ll have to call Tony’s parents. And they’ll pull him out of school. Tony won’t survive that, Jake knows that to be a fact. Jake then spends the next five minutes after that giving the guy directions to his house. Half-an-hour later, a tall, super fit guy shows up at his door holding Tony like a Disney princess. He introduces himself as James Rhodes and Jake cannot for the life of him figure out if the guy’s a Disney prince or a soldier.

James carries Tony into the warm shower — Jake would offer to help but James clearly needs no help whatsoever — and Tony looks groggily up at them as they shake him awake. They wrap him up in towels and deposit him on Jake’s bed. Jake runs to get extra blankets from Jess’ bedroom, but even after he covers Tony’s shoulder with the thickest duvet, he still shakes.

The apartment is cold; they try to keep heating costs down by careful temperature control and wearing lots of layers at home, but it’s not going to do it for Tony tonight. Jake crawls over Tony to the wall heater and cranks it up to maximum, knowing Jess will understand. Jake can pull an extra shift next week and pay for the heating bill. He’s a little afraid to leave Tony alone with James — seeing as he just met the guy and all — but he also doesn’t trust James running around his apartment, so he keeps the door wide open and scrambles to the kitchen to make Tony something warm to drink. James stays on the office chair the whole time, keeping a careful watch on Tony.

That’s when Jake realises that James is soaking wet and shivering as well. He had completely missed it in the chaos of trying to warm Tony up. Obviously, James had jumped into the water to save Tony. Jake presses instant hot chocolate into Tony’s hands and then digs out another towel from his closet. He passes it to James. “You should get yourself warmed up as well. You can have a shower, if you want.”

James comes out of the shower wearing Jake’s jeans and a shirt. It’s not a bad look. “How’s he doing?” he asks.

“He fell asleep a while ago.” Jake stands up. “Thank you for helping him. I think we’re okay now, if you wanted to go home.”

“Hey, look. I’m not trying to be creepy here. But it doesn’t seem like your parents are home —”

“I live with my sister. She just went out with a friend, she’ll be home soon.”

“Yeah, okay. I still don’t feel responsible leaving the two of you alone without any adults present.”

“We’re not kids, we’re in college,” Jake argues.

“I know. I’ve seen you around campus. But I know Tony’s what, fifteen? And you can’t be much older. You asked me not to take him to the hospital. And I did. But he was really drunk, and he might be hypothermic, so I would like to stay until at least your sister comes home.”

“How do I know you’re not some crazy axe murderer?”

“Because axes are boring, and if I wanted to murder Tony, I would have just left him in the harbour,” James replies.  “I understand why you’re worried, you don’t know me. If you want, I can wait outside in the car. But I’m not leaving the two of you alone like this, is that understood?”

“Sir, yes, sir.” Jake salutes, face deadpan. He knows he’s not letting the guy who saved Tony’s life stay in the freezing cold for what could be hours. Jess had purposefully left the house so Jake could have some peace and quiet to learn.  

“You can’t salute me,” James says mid-laugh. “I only got through basic last year.”

“You’re a soldier?” Jake asks.

“One day. Right now, I’m just a student.”

Jake walks back to his textbooks on the dining table, and Rhodey sprawls on the couch. He focuses on the reading so he doesn’t have to think about Tony, and doesn’t realise how much time has passed until Jess clears her throat. When Jake looks up to meet her voice, he finds the sun rising. “Jacob, why is there a hot guy passed out on our couch?”

-

When second semester begins, they find James again in Aerodynamics 102. Tony decides Rhodey is a better name than James, and it sticks. After that, there are no more crazy parties for Tony, especially not with Justin fucking Hammer, whose trust funds may or may not have lost a multitude of zeroes, or all of the zeroes, to be more accurate. . There is, however, a lot more of hanging out with Rhodey, of whom Jess completely approves of. Tony never mentions the incident, but slowly, he begins to look happier, so Jake considers the near-drowning as a mainly-win situation.

-

Christmas comes around and it’s cold and biting. Jess and Jake have two weeks of vacation so they take the car and search for sun and warmth. They spend Christmas on a beach in Miami eating turkey sandwiches, and it’s perfect.

When Tony comes back from Christmas with his parents in New York, he complains that they didn’t tell him they had plans. He grumbles until Jess makes him cheesecake, which he single-handedly empties into his magic hollow leg within a half hour.

-

Rhodey’s nineteen and getting a degree thanks to the army. He’s also part of the aviation club and understands flying machines better than anyone, except the Air Force kids and maybe Tony. He’s tall, lean, and strong, and people don’t mess with Tony or Jake because they know the army dude will fuck them up if they do.

Jake doesn’t really know why Rhodey hangs out with the two of them when he could have just about anyone at MIT. Jake and Tony talk each other’s heads off; Rhodey likes to throw in a dry remark here and there, but he’s happy to listen for the most part. Tony’s family now, but Rhodey’s friend number two — that’s still an achievement in Jake’s book.

-

Jake spends the better part of second year crushing on Lea, even after learning that Lea used to be _Leo,_ because she’s the prettiest TA they have — _fuck_ what anyone else says. She spends most of the year unaware of Jake’s existence, which is fine, really. Jake doesn’t know how to talk to women at all, born or otherwise, unless he’s related to them.

In second year, Tony and Jake are playing _Risk_ in Jake's apartment when Tony tells him he thinks he's gay. Jake tells him about homosexuality in primates and how natural it is, and Tony throws toy infantry at his face. An hour later, Tony owns half of the planet, so Jake throws his battalion at Tony.

When Jess finds them, they're a tangled mess of limbs, plastic soldiers, and laughter on the floor.

It's also in second year that Jess gets a pay raise. It's not enough to lose the Maria Stark grant or the scholarship, so along with FAFSA and the MIT scholarship, they float on.

-

In third year, Tony develops a crippling crush on an architecture student that results in spectacular cases of verbal diarrhoea. The only reason no one notices is because verbal diarrhoea is kind of Tony and Jake's thing. Steve, the object of Tony’s affections, thinks it's hilarious and adorable, so that's how their friend group of two plus Rhodey becomes two plus Rhodey and Steve.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  

Steve Rogers is this tiny ball of righteous fury who’s always involved in some protest, bake sale, or club event. He's also sneaky and knows exactly what to say to get Tony, Jake, Rhodey, and even Jess, to go with him. Of course, Jess meeting Steve is simultaneously awesome and terrifying. Steve's from Brooklyn, and he has a best friend named Bucky who becomes fast texting friends with Jess. They haven't met in person yet, but they both have one mission, and that's to fatten up Steve.

Jake's _pretty_ sure they're not planning to sacrifice him afterwards. But he can't argue with Tony that it is suspicious.

-

Also in third year, Tony decides to take up boxing and drags Jake into it. Jake's idea of a work out is an early run with Jess, but boxing is alright. He's in the training room watching Tony when the Reserve Officers Training Corps (ROTC) kids show up. Jake quite likes boxing, but it's nothing compared to the mixed martial arts that Rhodey and the other military recruits are up to. Rhodey went to Basic and AIT before starting college, and he's no expert yet, but there's something about the way he moves. Watching Tony is a hoot and a half, but watching Rhodey? Jake's not sure what's going on, but it's captivating. Clearly, he's not the only one who thinks so, because Carol Danvers, one of the other Air Force candidates, throws Rhodey down on the ground only to ask him out on a date.

"Jacob, are you just going to stare lovingly or come up and do something?" Tony calls out from the ring.

"Well, if you're getting tired, I can give you a break," Jake shouts back and pulls himself up into the ring.

Later, after Jake's been through the ringer and back more than a couple of times, he joins Rhodey on the benches for a break. Rhodey offers him a bottle of water; Jake accepts with a nod of thanks, then down half of it in one go.

"Is it your first time boxing?"

"That bad, huh?" Jake asks.

"Nah, you're actually pretty damn good for a rookie. Good instincts." Rhodey replies.

"Sure. It's nothing compared to the stuff you guys are doing over there. Is it compulsory?" Jake asks, while stretching his shoulders and arms.

"Yeah. Three times a week, they stick all of us candidates together. Some of them haven't even gone through basic." Rhodey waves an arm in their direction. "Why? You interested, man?"

"Hmm?" Jake looks up to face Rhodey. "Me? Nah. I doubt I'm military material."

"I don't know about that. What are you going to do when you're finished? You've got what, a year to go?" Rhodey leans against the wall.

"Jess wants me to go to grad school."

"Yeah? And you? What do you want to do?"

What _does_ Jake want? He's not sure. College is great, Jake loves actually being challenged in class for a change, but he's not sure how badly he wants to go through another two years of study. Tony's going to grad school, there's no question about that — but Tony's never had to worry about money, not for school. Jess and Jake still live in the shitty apartment they'd gotten when he was thirteen, and he wants Jess to move out of there soon. He wants to find a job and start earning some money to pay off his debt. And in the current job climate, it is not as easy as it sounds for an MIT graduate.

Jake shrugs. Rhodey pulls himself back up and offers him a hand. "Well, you don’t need to make a decision right this second. In the meantime, want me to teach you some of my bad ass military moves?"

Jake takes the hand, thankful for the distraction. "Can you teach me how to fight like Batman?”

-

Jake's on his way home earlier than usual — let's all be honest, in no world does Jake need to attend a lecture on Internet security — he hacked the FBI two years ago on a dare. Alas, attendance is compulsory, but he's already been to the minimum nine lectures. He's also just gotten his pay and splurged on the no-longer-quite-brand-new VHS of _Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone_ (one of these days, he's getting a DVD player) and can't wait to surprise Jess with it.

Jess and Jake share few hobbies. Though she reads comics, their tastes vary by quite a few degrees of latitude. Jake's always loved good old-fashioned superhero comics, whereas Jess goes for the gritty murder mysteries and spooky stories. Jess likes horror and mystery television, and Jake’s more about sci-fi and fantasy. If Jess and Jake share any geekdom together, it’s in the between the pages of the Wizarding World. She even came with him to see the first movie, which is all sort of wicked amazing, because Jess isn't one to spend money on frivolous things. Thinking of Harry Potter always makes Jake crave pumpkin juice, and he wonders if they have canned pumpkin at home.

"Jess, I'm home," Jake calls out. It’s one pm and she was away all night on a late shift. Jess should be in the kitchen making herself lunch, or, if she’s more exhausted than usual, still in bed. She’s nowhere to be seen.

“Jess?” Jake calls out again hesitantly. He drops his backpack on the table and heads to Jess’ bedroom, but the door is ajar and the curtains open. But Jake had seen the car parked outside, so he knows she’s definitely home.

Jake freezes at the sound of sniffling. The bathroom door is open halfway, and Jake knocks before stepping inside, lingering on the threshold.

Jess is sitting on the floor, her back against the bathtub. Her palms cover her face. There’s a long white plastic tube besides her on the floor, and some packaging scattered around.

“Jess?”

She looks up, finally sees him, and scrambles up from the floor. “Jacob Jensen. You’re supposed to be in class.” She pushes him gently out of the bathroom and shuts the door behind her.

“The module’s useless, and I’m not learning anything. And I met the obligatory presences. I won’t lose marks. Jess, what’s the matter?”

“It’s alright, Jake. It’ll be okay. Don’t worry about it,” she tells him and leads him by the hand to the kitchen. “Did you have —”

“Was that a pregnancy test?” Jake blurts out. Not from personal experience, but he watches television. And can read labels on the packages lying all over the bathroom floor.

“Jake, you don’t need to worry about it. Did you have lunch? I’m going to get started on lunch.” She pulls out pans and some cans of corn.

“My sister’s crying, and I’m not supposed to worry about it?” Jake demands, because Jess is the _worst_ at putting on a brave face for Jake. “We’re supposed to be a team — we don’t lie to each other.”

Jess stops and braces herself against the counter. “I’m pregnant. A single one night stand, in Arkansas of all places, and this is what I get.” She keeps her head high, but Jake can see the way her shoulders shake.

He wraps his arms around her from behind, chin resting on her shoulder. “It’s okay, Jess. We’re going to be okay.”

“Yes, we’re going to be okay. I’m going to Planned Parenthood this week, and we’ll be fine.” She breathes in shakily. “It’s okay. What would I do with a baby anyway? I’d be a terrible mom.”

Jake thinks of the times Jess took him to the doctors’ office, or stayed up late helping him glue on his diorama, and decides to respectfully disagree. “Jess, it’s your choice and all, I’m one hundred percent with you there. But. You’d be a great mom. Better than great, fantastic even, _amazing_. I always liked Spider-Man better than the Fantastic Four...”

Jess laughs a little at that. “You dork. I love you.”

“I love you too, sis. Now, how about you go clean up, and I make you some pumpkin juice? Guess what I just bought?”

-

They don’t talk about the pregnancy, because Jake’s great at talking and not saying much, and Jess has perfected the art of evading questions. Besides, it’s his second to last year, and he’s drowning in coursework.

Tony’s working on artificial intelligence for his final project. Jake doesn’t have enough lab hours, let alone interest, to build something that could potentially run a whole building. Tony’s evil. Jake wonders if he’s the sidekick of a future super villain. Jake’s final project isn’t as ambitious — he’s working on a file-sharing app that will make people forget _Napster_ ever existed.

It’s kind of easy to forget that his sister may or may not be having a baby, and that their entire life may or may not be flipping on its axis very soon. Until a few weeks later, when Jess sits him down and tells him she’s going to keep the baby. “UPS is giving me a promotion as dispatch, which means I won’t be on the road so often, and I’ll get a raise. You can go to grad school —”

“No,” Jake says firmly.

The argument that erupts out of Jake's refusal is the worst one they’ve ever had. Jake doesn’t know how to make Jess understand that he _wants_ to stay with her. He _wants_ to take care of her and the baby.

"I am not your responsibility, Jake," Jess tells him, voice calm but shaky. Jess never yells at Jake. _Never._ "I am an adult and you are not responsible for me, I can take care of myself."

"This isn’t about responsibility. I’m not Tony, I don’t _want_ to go to grad school — I want to work. I like working, I don’t want to do research, it’s boring. I’m an adult and you can’t force this decision on me. Besides, I want to help." Jake thinks of the cheap Spider-Man toy that keeps him company at his bedside table, its colours long faded. "You didn't have to take care of me, but you did anyways. But I’m not a kid anymore, and you’re not my mother.”

Jake has to hold her by the wrist to stop her from running off at his words. “No, sis. You’re my sister. And that means we’re a team. We take care of each other.”

"Your future is important, Jake."

Of course his future’s important. The whole point of going to MIT was to earn more money so he could buy Jess a big house in the suburbs. After all this, what Jake wants is for Jess not to have to budget every single penny anymore. "I don’t want to study. I want to work, so let me do something I love, and help take care of our family."

Jess sighs. She doesn’t say anything against that though.

-

For Jake's nineteenth birthday, Jake works the early shift at the electronics store so he's done by two. Tony treats them to movie tickets for _Lilo and Stitch._ They go to an afternoon show because it's not as busy, and Tony's worse than Jake when it comes to skipping classes.

Tony's also at least a billion times smarter so it surprises no one, and Jess doesn't even admonish him.

Jess sniffs when Lilo says "Ohana means family, and family means no one gets left behind," and squeezes Jake's fingers so hard he thinks she's going to break something.

Afterwards, they go out to dinner, and Jess twists Tony's ear when she learns that he's paid in advance.

Jake's not an idiot; he knows Tony shows up with pizza more often than ever before. He doesn't try to pay medical bills without their knowledge anymore after Jess had ripped him a new one, but that doesn't stop him from showing up after his trip home to New York with baby stuff. (“My mom put these on me once and then folded them away, and I want to convert the baby wing into a lab at some point, so please get them out of my sight.")

Jess takes them, then makes Tony come over the next day and eat three slices of homemade cheesecake. He eats five, and then falls asleep on Jake mid-video game.

-

Jess sits on the couch reading in the evenings, and Jake takes to braiding her hair in all sorts of funky styles — the way he used to before. He leaves too early in the mornings to hold her hair while she throws up, but the braid does it for him.

-

He spends a lot of time at Tony's place because he has Wi-Fi and Jake needs to do baby research, and job research, and school research. Tony's okay with him showing up late in the evenings after Jess goes to bed. Tony and sleep are arch enemies. Jake’s finishing college in two months and he still doesn’t have a job, and the part-time job doesn’t earn him enough. Jake is going to have his degree soon; he wants to actually do something with it.

Tony hooks his chin on Jake’s shoulder and tells him to apply to Stark Industries, but if there’s anything Jake hates, it’s leeching off of Tony like all the other students do. And he knows that no matter how qualified he might be for Stark Industries, there is no way he’d get the job on his merit alone. The moment Tony learns that Jake had applied, he would get involved and the interview wouldn’t mean anything. And Jake wants a job he’s truly earned.

-

Soon, there’s no time for job hunting because exams are coming up and projects need to be finished. Tony’s the worst at studying because the man is an actual super-genius, so Jake ignores Tony and spends the afternoons studying with Rhodey and Steve. They might be studying different disciplines, but they’re at least quiet enough that they can spend three hours without talking to each other. Also unlike Tony, if Jake asks them for help on a topic, the answer doesn’t evolve into a half-hour long discussion about something else. Around the three-hour mark, Steve will stop and go home, so it’s more often Rhodey and Jake.

“So, what’s happening with you when you’re done?” Jake asks him once. They’re eating packed dinners by the harbour, their bare feet being relieved by the dirty, but cool, water.

“Well, my next eight years are pretty much planned out,” Rhodey says with a salute.

“Are you going to be deployed right away?”

“I don’t know, man. I haven’t gotten my orders yet. I figure I’ll be stationed on a base for a while. You? How’s the job search going?” Jake groans and cracks his upper back, before dropping his head into his palms. “That bad, huh?”

“I hate my life so much.”

“Well, you could always join the military too, if all else fails. I’m sure they’d take your pale ass.” Rhodey smirks. Jake stretches; he really doesn’t mean to knock Rhodey into the water. Really. At least then Rhodey doesn’t say anything because he has to swim to keep the water out of his lungs. Jake laughs and laughs until Rhodey pulls him into the water by the ankle. Choking on the dirty water is worth it, just for Rhodey’s look of pure betrayal as he’d fallen in.

-

It's a girl, the doctor tells them, and Jake owes Jess twenty foot massages.

Damn it.

-

Jake gets a job in IT support two weeks before finals are starting but he goes in for a day. He has to call Tony afterwards to make sure he’s not brain dead, because it is the most boring shit on the planet. Ever.

He tells Jess about it over dinner, and Jess shrugs. “Jobs aren’t always fun. Do you think I enjoyed delivering packages all day in the middle of summer?”

The next morning, he’s pretending to get beaten up by Tony when the ROTC kids come in, and Jake make a spur of the moment decision. It gets him punched in the face by Tony, who winces comically. It doesn’t hurt, everything turns foggy and glowing for a few seconds. Then he remembers he _needs_ to get to Jess, and he’s fine again. He doesn’t even hear Tony’s apology — just mumbles he has to go, and jumps out of the ring.

Jess is folding laundry when Jake makes it home.

“Jess. Jessie-Jess, my darling Queen —”

“What did you do?” she asks, rolling his socks together. “And why are you home? And where’s your backpack?”

“There was Tony and the gym and an epiphany — the kind that changes everything. I mean, _truly_ everything. Well no, it doesn’t affect the state of the universe or anything, well, that I know of, but I’m not a theoretical physicist, that’s Bruce, have you met Bruce? He’s sharing a lab with Tony, and hasn’t learned to say no yet. He’s new. They made an evil toaster named Ultron. It hates muffins.” Jake pauses to catch his breath. “I know where I can go work and not be bored out of my mind.”

Jess throws the sock pair into the basket, and looks up. “What? And why is your nose bleeding?”

“Oh, Tony punched me. It was an accident. I think. I’m going to join the army.” Jake wipes his nose with the back of his hand.

“ _What?”_

“The army? You know, the people Tony’s dad is always making weapons for? They protect the people —”

“I know what the army is, Jake. Why are you talking about joining?”

“Well, for one, they’ll take me. And two, if I were to die, it wouldn’t be of boredom,” Jake answers with a tilt of his head.

Jess stares.

And stares.

“What?” he asks. “Is there more blood on my face?” He pulls his t-shirt up to wipe his nose. Jess stands and grabs him by the wrist.

“Are you high?”

“What? No! Jess! That’s an awful thing to say! Why would you say that? I am not high — I’m making a life-changing decision here!”

“Jake, you need to sit down and, and, and, maybe think for a second. Is this really what you want? Are you sure about it?”

“Jess.” He drags her to the couch and sits beside her, her hands cradled in his own. “I have been thinking about it, sort of. Rhodey and I were talking the other day, and anyways, I always thought it was an amazing thing to do, you know? Go and be a hero? Plus, you have amazing benefits, and you get paid right away. Rhodey’s got his entire education funded by them because he signed up when he was eighteen. If I ever feel like going back to school, they might even cover the expenses. It’s a fully-baked idea — like your cheesecake and apple pie combined. It works, Jess.”

“I think you’re making a rash decision.”

“Look, I can talk to my counsellor, you can come with me. But I’m not changing my mind.”

-

A month later, he throws his graduate cap into the air, honours degree in hand. Jess takes him and Tony home for dinner, which is again mac and cheese, with cheesecake. So what if she isn’t creative? It’s delicious. She leaves them be after dinner, so Jake can tell Tony he’s enlisted and leaving on the coming Monday.

That argument isn't loud as much as childish and ends with Tony saying, “You're going to get yourself killed, you floppy disk!" Jake doesn't talk to Tony for twelve hours for calling him a floppy disk — because that's way under the belt — but then Tony shows up with coffee and plans for new weapon designs. Tony builds weapons when he’s nervous and restless. Jake can’t stay mad at Tony when Tony gets into that mind-set.

Tony is strangely quiet on Sunday evening, pulling Jake aside and into a rough hug. "Promise me you'll come home safe."

"Don't be such a dummy. They want me working communications, so I'll probably never leave the base."

"You're the only best friend I have. Finding a new one's too much trouble."

"Promise me you'll ask Steve out, then," Jake counters.

"Okay."

"Okay."

"Are we in a young adult novel or something? Get off of me," Tony grumbles and pushes him away.

(It's only after Jake’s halfway to North Carolina that he finds the Nokia phone, wrapped in Toy Story wrapping paper, with one-years’ worth of unlimited calls and texting paid for.

The first text he sends with it is:

_You better hope I don't get back or I'm going to kick your skinny ass for meddling again._

Tony calls back and tells him to fuck off and to check in after basic.)

-

Saying goodbye to Jess the next morning is harder. He has to be at the airport early, and he's kind of hoping Jess sleeps in so he can just kiss her and leave. But she's wide awake, making the biggest breakfast he's ever seen. "When did you even go grocery shopping — Tony?"

"Tony."

"Dammit."

Jess is quiet, not even complaining when Jake takes her coffee away and grabs a slice of French toast.

His duffel bag is ready. All the paperwork is filled out, TRICARE Prime documents are ready, and the appointment with Jess' primary care provider is already booked. The Spider-Man toy is tucked into one of the small compartments in his bag. Jess reads over the check-list as Jake eats.

"Did you take your glasses prescription?"

"Yep."

"Laundry soap?"

"Yep."

"Toothp —"

"Jess. It's good. We double checked yesterday. We're good." He leans over the dining room table and places his hand over hers. "Stop stressing. I'll be done with basic by the time you're due, so don't go and be early okay? I had all sorts of trouble getting that weekend pass," Jake tells her with a smirk and Jess snorts. "You hear that, Bethie? No surprises with you, or you won't see me. And that would just suck because I'm your most awesomest Uncle Jake."

"We're not calling her Bethie!"

"But —"

"Bethany or Beth, Jacob."

"Fine." He crosses his fingers behind his back. He's totally going to call her Bethie.

Jess doesn't cry when Jake grabs his bag and opens the door. She just holds him close for a long, silent minute. "Write me, nincompoop. Paper allergy is not a thing. They'll give you a laptop soon enough, but you better write me in the meantime."

Jake doesn't answer — his throat’s closing up — so he just kisses her on the cheek, bends down to kiss her beautiful belly, and leaves.

 


	3. Three

Basic is hell. Until now, Jake's definition of hell had been the four torturous hours after Tony had dared him to eat the hottest pepper in the world. It’s the whole reason Jake hates Trinidad. No place that in its very soil holds the capability to grow such organisms can be anything but pure evil.

Basic is just like eating that pepper. It’s instant pain, but he knows at the end of it, he’s going to be proud for having survived. He has to be, after what they put him through.

As if that wasn’t bad enough, he trades in his awesome specs for what everyone calls "birth control glasses" and he learns first-hand what homesickness is. It’s the uneasy feeling in his gut when something happens, and all he wants to do is tell Jess about it right away, but he can’t.

Jake gets very little sleep. Even if lights are meant to be out at nine pm, Jake is so used to hitting the sack around midnight — which was okay when all he had to do in the morning was work for a few hours or sit in lectures. But now, it’s no longer a pro because it doesn’t matter how exhausted he is, he cannot fall asleep. He stays awake listening to his platoon’s breathing patterns until his brain finally gives his body the okay to shut down. He wakes up in the morning when the drill sergeant shouts them into consciousness, and it always takes him more time than the others to get the hospital corners just right. Such a task is too complicated to handle this early, but he gets there eventually.

Week two focuses on hand-to-hand, Jake’s favourite part so far. Jake excels at fighting in close quarters, and the drill sergeant actually looks proud of him for a fraction of a moment. He ends up being chosen as the recruit for the company competition. There are four platoons in his company, and the four recruits face each other. Jake doesn’t win — some kid named Wilson does — but he’s still damn proud of himself.

The CS gas chamber during week three is the _worst_ for most of the recruits; Jake can hear the beds above and around him shake the night after that. Don’t get him wrong — it was _awful._ Jake hated it too, but he’s attended far too many protests with Steve for him to be surprised by teargas.

For Jake, the teargas chamber pales in comparison to the yelling.

The unforgiving insults of the drill sergeants take Jake back to being eight years old. He learns to follow all the arbitrary rules to a T.  Except Jake’s mouth has a brain of its own sometimes (always), and one of these days he knows the drill sergeant is going to murder him and throw him in with the mystery meat in the kitchens. The days he gets yelled at most, Jake curls up in his bed and bites his lip, pulls out the ultrasound of Bethie, and reminds himself of what’s most important.

It’s a cakewalk after that — Jake even passes the PT final the first time around. A week-long field training exercise is not necessarily what Jake would call fun, especially paired with the rations they’re eating three times a day. But then again, after the sort of meals he used to have as a child, Jake can safely say that MREs are not the worst things he’s ever put in his mouth.

Ha. There’s probably a dirty joke in there somewhere.

On the night before graduation, a candy bar is found in a recruit’s locker, and all fifty of them pay the price at three in the morning, doing two hundred push-ups in the mud for every calorie in the bar.

(Jake decides to hate nutrition labels. Why couldn’t they just let the people guess that sort of information?)

Tony drives Jess down to the base for Family Day. Her belly is so gigantic that Jake can’t stop himself from asking her if she’s swallowed James’ giant peach, and she gives his cookie to Tony instead. It’s totally uncalled for, seeing as Jake was only telling the truth, and when he points that out  to Jess, she passes Tony another cookie.

-

He had asked for three days between graduation and AIT, and is surprisingly given all three. Jess has the caesarean all planned out. So after graduation, they drive back to Boston and head directly to the hospital.

Jess gets taken into the operating theatre, and Jake's stuck outside waiting. He calls Tony, who's in his lab working on his second learning bot.

“He broke my coffee machine, I'm calling him Butterfingers,” Tony says when he picks up the phone. They talk for an hour and a half, and then Jake sees the obstetrician and hangs up the phone.  

The doctor calls him into the recovery room and there's Jess, looking tired and pale. She’s cradling a swaddle-wrapped baby with a shock of hair the colour of corn silk.

"Bethany Jacqueline Jensen, meet your Uncle Jake," Jess coos, holding her out towards Jake. He gingerly takes her in his arms. Beth is tiny, and her eyes are an unfocused but brilliant blue. She’s so very hairy that she looks like a blond, wrinkly monkey.

She's the most beautiful thing Jake has ever seen in his entire life.

When he looks back at Jess, she's asleep.

"Beth has been fed and given her vitamin K injections, you're welcome to hold her," the nurse tells him, and he nods, moving to take a seat on the chair beside Jess. The nurse leaves them alone, shutting the door carefully behind her.

"Welcome to the world, Bethie," Jake whispers, wiping away the tear that falls from his eye to her silk-soft cheek. "You're more beautiful that the mantis shrimp, you know that? They’re like the most fantastic creature that evolution ever came up with. I can’t wait until you're old enough to know what that means so I can tell you all about them..."

-

Jake has to report in for Advanced Individual Training as soon as mother and child are back home. The Signal Corps base is in Fort Gordon, Georgia. The training duration is eighteen weeks, and he’s still living in barracks, so he doesn’t really touch his salary much. He has the monthly checks automatically sent to Jess, but she puts the money in his account and refuses to touch them, so the pile just sits there, growing steadily like a dragon’s hoard.

Not only are the sergeants more lenient in AIT, but he likes the work a lot more as well. Plus he gets to be near a computer again, even if it's restricted — technically. He hacks it and messes with Tony all the time. His supervisors don't even notice.

Also unlike basic, Jake’s allowed to use his phone more often, so he calls Jess every night, and Tony once a week if he has the time. Tony complains about how boring grad school is, how slow time is passing — though Jake suspects that’s more because Steve refuses to date him until he’s done with grad school — and asks him if Jake’s going to make it home for Tony’s eighteenth birthday. Jake has to bite his lip and apologise because no, he isn’t. Rhodey’s been deployed and Jake’s in the military. So all Tony has is Steve and Jess. Jake hates himself for abandoning him. If there’s anyone who has abandonment issues worse that Jake, it’s Tony. Sometimes he wants to drive up to New York, find Tony’s parents, and shake them until they see Tony for the gift he is.

After they hang up, Jake calls both Jess and Steve, and makes sure they plan something for Tony’s birthday. He’s incredibly relieved to hear they’re already at it.

-

Jake has two weeks off for Christmas. He comes home to find all of Jess' gorgeous hair chopped off and replaced by a pixie cut — which admittedly looks great on her — but it takes Jake two days to stop grumbling about the loss of the Rapunzel hair.

Tony's supposed to spend Christmas with his parents, but they want to go to the Canary Islands for a family getaway. Tony refuses. Jake is incredibly touched when Tony tells him over the phone, “They leave me alone often enough, they can deal with me saying no once in a while. I’d rather be with you.”

On Christmas morning, Tony shows up at their apartment with Steve and a gigantic tree that they end up planting outside because it won’t fit into the building. Tony brings a learning bot for Beth named Jocasta, who can not only chirp like the earlier bots, but additionally takes photographs and videos, and also has a built-in defence system against intruders (it’s a Taser, a really big Taser — Jocasta looks like a Dalek). Jake has to admit she's awesome, and a huge step up from homicidal toasters. Steve comes bearing apologies for the tree and books for Bethie. Bucky, Steve’s friend from New York, drives up a few hours later. Then they finally open presents.

Jess gifts everyone knitted fingerless gloves, and they all laugh and call her Molly Weasley — until she reminds them all that Molly Weasley had taken out Bellatrix mother-fudging Lestrange. They get a missed call from Rhodey in the afternoon, and call him back on Tony’s magic unlimited international calls cell phone.

The days after that, Jake catches up on comics, and spends hours talking to Beth while Jess studies. She’s taking a six-month long module with a distance university to work part-time at home as IT support.

Beth’s terrible at listening — she’s always falling asleep on his chest — but that doesn’t stop Jake from ranting about the new _Star Wars_ prequel movies and his disappointment in George Lucas. Beth doesn't cry, so he knows she totally agrees. George Lucas disappointed a new-born baby, that's how awful he is.  

-

When Jake gets back to the base, he gets a summons to Major General Fogarty's office. Jake cannot for the life of him figure out what he did wrong, until the man turns his laptop around and Jake's looking at the flurry of messages that he'd exchanged with Tony.

Oops.

No, that's not severe enough in his head. Being caught messing with the restrictions on army laptops warrants something a little worse.

_Fuck._

"You're good, kid."

"Uh. Thanks, General Fogarty, sir?"

"Is that a question, soldier?" Fogarty glares through his ugly-ass glasses.

"No, General Fogarty, sir,” Jake says, wishing his voice didn’t squeak so much.  

"Good.” Fogarty shuts his laptop screen. “I see you have two weeks left on AIT."

"Yes, sir." Jake has no idea what to do but answer because damn it, there's no way he can get kicked out or a court-martialled or —

"Have you ever considered the Special Forces?" The general asks him.

Wait what. "No, sir."

"I'm afraid they can't say the same about you."

-

And that's how Jacob Jensen goes from being sure he was going to be discharged to entering Special Forces training. He gets a three-week break after finishing AIT and getting his E-5, because the next phase of training spans nearly two years. When he calls to let Jess know, she breathes out a sigh of relief, and tells him she's glad he's not seeing combat any time soon.

The training base is in Fort Bragg, North Carolina, which is the hardest part. He’s a seventeen-hour-long drive away from Jess and Beth. And he’s going to be here for two years. He’d considered flying, but the prices he’d seen had made him want to weep. No way in hell is he spending that much money on a single trip. He mopes around the first week home, spending as much time as possible with Beth. She’s loving the stifling heat of late July, crawling around the house in just her diaper. She can also walk, sort of, by holding on to Jocasta and letting herself be lead. Tony finishes up his master’s thesis months early — getting to finally take Steve out on a date at the end of it is a pretty good incentive. On graduation, Tony gets his degree and the first thing he does after he gets off the stage is ignore his parents and run into Steve’s arms for the grossest kiss Jake has ever seen, oh _God._

-

Jess does consider moving to Georgia — UPS dispatchers can transfer relatively easily to other locations — but Jake will be stationed somewhere else after training, so it isn’t really worth it. Jake has more Internet access these days so they can always Skype. It’s fine.

They’re fine.

-

Before Jake can even start the Q course — what the army calls the Special Forces Qualifications Course — the army puts him through Jump school, where they seem to take vindictive pleasure out of pushing him out of planes. Jake almost kisses the ground every time he lands, and praises Cthulhu when those wretched three weeks are over. His dorm mate laughs at him for days and days when he realises how bat-shit-terrified Jake is of heights. The Q course is difficult, more so that Basic or AIT, but it’s also more about the big picture than whether Jake’s wearing his own glasses or the army issue ones. The worst thing about the Q course is that he breaks his glasses on day one.

The best thing about Q course is _easily_ his roommate, despite how much of a total douche-popsicle he can be. Linwood Porteous introduces himself by telling Jake to never call him Lin unless he wants to lose balls, and then offers him snickerdoodles his fiancée Jolene sends him. He's from Massachusetts too — Springfield — and that’s a starting point for a friendship that Jake knows will last. They're allowed to put photos and personal items up in their two-bed dorm. Porteous — they seriously need a nickname because _Porteous_ — has photos of Jolene and his parents on the wall. Jake puts up the now faded and wrinkled ultrasound of Beth.

"You got a kid, Jensen?" Porteous asks, watching him while he tapes the photos up.

"She's my niece," he answers while putting up another photograph, this one of Jess with Beth in her arms. Then the group one Jocasta had taken during Christmas. Then of Tony and Jake, Tony pressing an obnoxious kiss on Jake’s scrunched up face.

"Is that Tony—"

"Yep." Of course Porteous knows who Tony is. There aren’t that many people in the military who _wouldn’t_ recognise the future face of their major weapons manufacturer.  

Tony’s in New York already, working with his dad at Stark Tower. Jake’s gotten more than a few messages on how frustrating it is to work with Howard Stark, and of Tony’s suspicions that the elder Stark is planning to retire. Steve’s also in New York, and they’re trying the whole secret dating thing. It’s working — so far. However, Tony’s AI work has slowed down to work on weapons and other tech. But mainly weapons. It’s not so bad, Tony loves blowing shit up — he’s not stopped talking about something called the Jericho missile. And Porteous also loves blowing shit up, it’s no wonder he adores everything Stark. "We went to college together."

"You went to MIT?"

"Please don't tell me you're a fanboy."

"Hell yeah, I'm a fanboy, the man is a genius with things that go boom! And he's what, twenty-two?"

"Twenty-one. It’s really his dad who does all the weapon stuff. Tony’s more into AI and tech. He's got a bunch of learning bots — he gave Bethie one actually, wanna see some photos?” Jake asks.

“Do I want to see photos of Tony Stark’s robot babies? Hell yeah!”

-

The language phase is such a fucking bitch, Jake wants to cry. It’s not that he’s terrible at languages. He aced French in high school. Which is why his difficulties in Spanish and Portuguese make little sense to him, or his teachers. He whines to Jess about it the moment he's allowed to use his phone. She says what she always says when he sucks at something. “You’ll be fine Jake, you’re a genius. You can do anything.”

Jake sighs and thanks her. Jess then holds the phone up for Beth, who babbles and listens to Jake tell her he loves her in all the languages he knows — even stupid, _stupid_ Spanish.

-

Six weeks later, he's regretting his failure at Spanish because he reaches advanced marksmanship training, where the instructor is Sergeant Alvarez. Literally everyone calls him Cougar, and literally everyone is terrified of the man in the cowboy hat, despite him only taking over the class because of a temporary shoulder injury. Cougar has longish hair and a hat and Jake wants to be a Sergeant so bad if it means he can grow his hair out. Not that he wants to grow his hair out, but the option would be nice.

Cougar is a mathematical genius. He has to be. Jake has genius-radar, and he’s almost never wrong. How can Cougar run all the combinations and permutations in his head until he finds the most efficient sentence possible, in such a short period of time? Because he’s a genius.

Jake's a decent shot, but he’s a bit scatter-brained. The sergeant starts swearing under his breath in Spanish once Jake's got the weapon pointed at anything, which, damn it, he wasn't trying to shoot Wong — his finger wasn’t even on the trigger —he just _forgot_ he'd been holding a weapon, is all.

Okay, he understands why that excuse results in Cougar dragging him out of the class to disassemble and reassemble his weapon fifty times. Which sucks for Cougar, because Jake has a bucket of fun with the process. It’s great to look at something and see Tony’s craftsmanship in it, even if it was a weapon Tony had created when he was ten years old.

Jake wants to shake some sense into Howard Stark.

Cougar _is_ terrifying, that part is true. "I don't get why he's so tan though," Jake tells Porteous later. "He spends all his time at the range and that's underground —"

"Maybe 'cause he's not a pasty white boy like you, idiot. Next he gon’ ask me where I got my tan," Porteous answers him before turning around in his bed and pulling the covers over his head. "Please. _Please._ It’s two am. Stop talking and let me sleep, dammit."

-

Linwood Porteous becomes Pooch after the five day training exercise in which they have to evade a tracker dog. On day two, the man jumps down, hands the dog some of the beef jerky they'd stolen from the rival team, and uses him to lead the two of them to their target location. The dog also manages to steal Spider-Man and eat his left arm, but they pass the FTX, so Jake forgives him.

Two weeks later, Porteous wakes up and finds a bobble head beside him on the pillow. "This ain't no tracker dog, this is a pooch, papi!" he yells at Jake, who bursts into laughter.

"Sure it is, Pooch."

Then Jake calls him that in the mess and the name spreads like wildfire. Pooch short sheets him that night, but it’s still worth it.

-

The world changes on a sunny morning on the eleventh of September that year, yet Jake only finds out when the general calls an assembly hours after the fact. Every single soldier stands silent still and listens as he tells them what has happened in New York. Jake watches as the planes crash in one by one, and he can see Stark Tower in the background even as the twins crumble.

He’s not the only one with tears pouring down his face that day.

Jake grabs Pooch as he begins to walk towards the phone lines. There is no point in waiting for their turn, everyone else is rushing over there. “Wait here for me. You can use my cell phone.”

The cell phone Tony had given him.

He scrambles for his mobile and runs back up to find Pooch and they run out into the empty training fields. Jake can’t breathe inside the building.

There are eighteen missed calls from Jess, so he calls her first. “Jess? Are you okay?”

“Baby, I’m okay. I’m fine, I’m so sorry, I saw what happened and I just panicked. I needed to talk to you. _Fuck._  I should have known you wouldn’t have your phone. Are you okay?” Jess stops to finally take a deep breath.

“Yeah. Have you heard from Tony?”

“No,” Jess answers. “I called a bunch of times and his phone was always busy. You try, maybe you’ll have better luck.”

“Okay. Can I talk to Beth?” Jake asks.

“Sure. I’ll hold the phone to her ear, okay?” There’s a pause, and then some shuffling.

“Hey Bethie.” Jake chokes on the name. “I love you so much. I’ll be home soon. I love you.” She’s so small and so far away, and Jake hates himself for not knowing how to protect her from the evils of the world.

“Jake, it’s me again,” Jess says.

“Jess —”

“I love you, be safe. Call Tony and call me back.”

“I love you, Jess.” He hangs up.

The first four times he calls Tony, the line is busy. Jake tries Steve’s phone and on the third attempt he finally gets through.

“Please tell me you’re both okay,” Jake croaks into the phone.

“Yeah.” Steve’s voice sounds raw. Jake sighs in relief. “We’re both fine. We’re inside Stark Tower. I’m sorry, I was on the phone with Bucky —”

“He’s okay?”

“Yeah, he was in Brooklyn. We’re in Midtown. Tony’s parents are in Tokyo, and the military’s advising us to close Stark Tower tomorrow — Tony’s got a bunch of calls to make, it’s why he’s not picking up — but he’s fine. We were both… oh God, Jake, we were just having breakfast in the penthouse, we could see the whole thing from here...” Steve trails off, then takes a deep breath. “Jake, I’m so sorry. I got so many people to call, but I’ll tell Tony to update you later okay?”

“Okay, sorry,” Jake replies. Of course. Steve grew up in New York, he must have a million people to check up on. “Stay safe, okay?”

“We will. Don’t be sorry, thank you for calling. We’ll talk soon, Jake.”

He hangs up and updates Jess. Then he hands his phone to Pooch, who takes it and begins dialling. Jake collapses onto the muddy ground.

-

Jake spends the night curled up in bed with Pooch, both of them pretending they’re not clutching each other in a feeble attempt to keep it together.

Tony’s not the only futurist; Jake knows — he _knows —_ nothing is ever going to be the same again.

-

Starting resistance-to-interrogation training three weeks after 9/11 may not have been the easiest thing to do, but it’s the next part of their training. This isn’t kindergarten, they’re in the army.

RTI goes relatively well on Jake's part, because he finds that place he used to go to when his dad used to beat him. The instructors can't get any information out of him no matter how much they hurt him, because he's not there anymore. He's at home, watching TV. Beth’s tiny body rises and falls with every breath Jake takes, and Jess’s cold toes are tucked under Jake’s thigh. They can't threaten him with pain when he's too far away to feel it.

When he wakes up, he's in medical and alone, and he doesn't remember anything past being tied up. He loses marks for that, but he doesn't wash out because some people are just adversely affected by shock, especially so soon after the terrorist attacks. Either way, he passes and doesn’t have to cycle through the phase again. He gets to go home for two weeks before the next phase of his training.

Jess notices that he’s quieter than usual, but she’s very subdued as well, and she doesn’t ask.

They’re in mourning, he realises. The whole country is in mourning. Beth laughs and plays and crawls onto Jake lap, generous in her kisses, and Jake kisses her back and wonders what kind of world he’s going to build for her. Jake wakes up breathless sometimes, and almost always finds Jess awake in the kitchen. They take to sleeping in the same bed for those two weeks, holding each other as if they were children again.

-

After that comes the occupational specialty phase, which is not only really long — almost a whole year — it’s also really interesting. Jake is relieved because this is shit he can do in his sleep, and he's not all there in his head just yet. He needs time, and he gets transferred to single rooms when Pooch leaves for Transportation specific training, which is somewhere up in Georgia.

Jake complains to Jolene about having to stay so much longer than Pooch, but really, it's a good thing. No one can tattle on him to the higher ups when he wakes up screaming or breathless in his bed. He trusted Pooch, but who knows what new roommate he could have ended up with? Jake's been in this for too long to wash out now. He likes the army, likes the feeling of belonging to something bigger. He’s doing something that could make Beth proud. Jake loves the adrenaline rush of a mission going well. He's not afraid of weapons or shootouts, so he should be able to get over these childish fears. He has to. He can do computers and satellites and radio for a year, no problem — especially when he can go home once a month.

One early Saturday morning, Jake lands in Logan International Airport, and takes the bus to Boston. He lets himself into the apartment, and finds Jess making pancakes. Beth runs up to him, so clever for all of her seventeen months of age, holding her arms out for him to lift her up. Jake obliges. Beth holds his face in both her hands, and plants a wet one on his mouth. "Unka Jake!"

Jake laughs, sudden tears in his eyes. Jess squeals and runs over to the front door. "I cannot believe those are her first words, how dare you, young lady! I am your mother! Now say mommy!"

"Unka Jake!"

"I hate you so much right now," Jess informs him, pulling him into a quick hug before heading back to the kitchen.

"Princess Beth, I think you've offended the queen!"

-

Things slowly get better after that.

-

Fifty weeks, one Robin Sage exercise and a bullet graze later, he's donning a green beret while Jess, Beth, and Tony watch. It's the proudest he's ever been of himself. Pooch was deployed months ago — some five-man specialised team — which is awesome, but he still sneaks a call in to congratulate Jake.

Afterwards, Tony and Beth have ice cream while Jess and Jake go to get matching _ohana_ tattoos on their left clavicles. Yes, it hurts like a bitch, but he'll be on duty soon, and he needs something to remind him of what's home. He lost that ultrasound months ago during a training exercise, and who knows how long Spider-Man will last.

-

Two and a half years is what it took to turn him into a Communications Sergeant — not bad for a computer geek with a comic book collection that will soon require its own room.

He gets four weeks off, something he's never had before, but it's good because he's changing bases. Fort Albert is in New Hampshire, which he loves for being back up north and close to Jess and Beth. Kindergarten is only a year away for Beth, so Jess decides to get out of Boston and settle down in suburbia. She transfers to the Concord UPS office in New Hampshire.

Which is why Jake spends most of his four weeks helping his sister move and settle in Harrisville, New Hampshire. They pack everything up into a U-Haul truck. Jake grabs the last box, while Jess sets Beth up in the car. The walls are yellower, and the floors have a few more scratches than when they’d moved in ten years ago.

Ten years.

He barely remembers the details of their house in Lynn — doesn’t even remember what Mom looks like anymore. Lynn had never been home, he realises. _This_ was his childhood.

“Jake?” Jess calls from down the stairwell.

“Coming!” He calls back. He pats Spider-Man in his pocket. “Good bye, Boston.”

Good bye to mornings that smell like fish and garbage. Good bye to wonderful librarian Mrs. Linda, who had passed away last year. Good bye to disgusting summers and biting winters. Good bye to endless nights spent walking the harbour with Tony, and to the countless hours spent braiding Jess’ long-mourned hair.

Time to make a new home.

-

Jake drives with Bethie in Jess’ Honda Civic — the Mercury had drawn her last breath a few years ago — while Jess follows in the truck.

The house isn't huge; there are three bedrooms, and a tiny office for Jess. The basement is furnished, with two bedrooms and a room for Jake's frankly overwhelming boxes of comics that he hasn't actually gotten to reading. They can afford the mortgage mainly because the house is in the tiniest of tiny towns, but also because of Jake’s military housing allowance. Thankfully, it’s close enough to Concord that Jess can drive easily to work. More importantly, they’re just under fifty kilometres away from the base. They just manage to get things in order before the trio are back on the road again. This time it’s to Springfield, to watch Pooch and Jolene get married.

It's a small affair, no more than fifty people, but it's perfect. Jake's known Pooch for two years now, and he's never seen the man so happy.

It gets him thinking.

To be honest, Jake doesn't really know what he wants. It's not that he's asexual or aromantic or something; he’s had crushes. And he even has a healthy sex drive for his age — he googled it — but sex just happens to be an event shared exclusively with his right hand. It's a great stress reliever, and okay, maybe he _is_ a little ashamed of the fact that he's never done the deed, let alone had a relationship, but he's always had more important things to worry about in life until now.

The unfortunate side effect is that he's developed the utter incapability to talk to single women who do not share DNA with him.

Well, technically that would be impossible because a lot DNA is non-coding and he shares a rather high percentage of his DNA with bananas, and that's how he ends up telling Beth about the banana plague and subsequent extinction. Because that actually happened.

Beth informs him she hates bananas, new or old, and Jake gladly thinks about other things.

-

He's supposed to spend six months with mission control fixing a satellite or something, but some team loses their comms and tech guy, so he gets bumped up. Lucky him. Not his words.  

In fact, it's the words of Colonel Franklin Clay, who reminds him of the dad from _Supernatural_. Which is really, really NOT a good thing. And on top of that, he's supposed to meet the team at 1600 in briefing room thirteen, which isn't ominous at all.

Jake arrives to find some of the most terrifying looking men in the planet lounging around in room thirteen as if they're on vacation, and _Pooch —_ fucking _POOCH._

They pull each other into a quick hug. “Gentlemen, let me present to you the weirdest motherfucker I know,” Pooch says when he moves away, turning to his team. “This is Jake Jensen.”

Jake waves a hand — eww, Jacob, _why,_ a voice that sounds like Tony asks him. Aside from Pooch and the colonel, there's a beefy looking man with a bad-ass scar over his eye, and a dude with a cool moustache and a — very fine — hat. And that's when it hits Jake.

It's Cougar.

Cougar, the Long Range Eliminations Sergeant, who had made him clean his weapon like a billion times in a row because Jake had accidentally pointed it at Wong.

Oops.

Said man looks up, huffs, and mumbles something that sounds like, " _Vamos a morir todos_." 

"What?” Jake asks. “Are you one of those doomsayers? You worried about climate change? Because I’m with you there—”

"Of course you are," Clay says. "The asshole with the knife—" oh _shit_ Jake just noticed the knife "—is Second in Command Captain William Roque. The asshole in the hat is Long Range Eliminations Sergeant Carlos Alvarez, but we call him Cougar."

"We've met," Jake says, "and I feel like I should reiterate that it was _one ti_ —"

" _Vamos a morir todos_ ," he repeats from under his hat.

"No, we are not," Clay tells him, and turns back to Jake, "and I believe you know Sergeant Porteous already."

"Yeah, I know the Pooch," Jake blurts out, eyes still on Mr. Killing-Machine-With-A-Jack-Sparrow-Hat. A dark green rosary peaks out from his half-open shirt. “Wait, is that a religious thing? Are you waiting on the apocalypse?”

"The Pooch?" Roque asks, ignoring Jake’s latter statement. His face sort of turns into a half-smile, and it's a little frightening. Jake’s not sure he trusts him.

"The Pooch! It's a long story, well, not really, but you know how they throw crazy-ass dogs in your direction during the some FTXs? Pooch domesticated one! Hey, whatever happened to the dog anyway?"

"They couldn't use him in training anymore," Pooch admits.

"O.M.G. Did they kill him?"

"O.M.G.? What are you, fifteen? _No!_ He's with Jolene. You were at the wedding, how did you forget this?"

"There's a killing machine on the loose in your house?"

"He likes Jolene!"

Cougar sighs. It’s not loud, but it still stops everyone. Well, almost everyone.

"Let me guess," Jake says. " _Vamos a morir todos_ ?" Ha! That's a smile. Well, it's a smirk. But close enough. Jake can work with it.

" _Sí_."

"Well, Jensen," Clay says, "welcome to the Losers.”

-

Jake spends the rest of the day moving his things from the temporary quarters to one of five bedrooms in the housing unit the Losers live in. The room already has furniture, which is fantastic, so he sets up his tech on the floor, covers his work table with action figures, and leaves the rest of the stuff for later. He's catching up on _Battlestar Galactica_ when there's a knock on his door. He calls out, “Door’s open!”

And in walks Cougar himself.

"Come with me," Cougar says.

"If I want to live?" Jake adds, but stands up because hey, why not, and begins to pack up his laptop. Kaylee needs to be taken care of.

“Leave the laptop."

"But the tech and I are one,” he explains while putting the sleeved laptop in his backpack and slinging it over his shoulder. "Well, I guess she's not really one with me, I can't wear her, for one —"

"We're going shooting."

Jake puts her back down. With his luck, he'll murder her and Tony will cry because his new AI has only been running on the laptop for two weeks. J.A.R.V.I.S. is Jake’s first AI friend — not counting Jocasta and Ultron the toaster, because the former doesn’t really care about him and the latter hates everyone — and he won't risk that friendship through homicide. Or, more accurately, technicide.

Jake's not a bad shot, he knows that. His reflexes are fine; he's just a bit more absent-minded than he should be after all these years of training. Cougar says as much after a couple of hours.

"And what about you? Do I get to see the master at work?" Jake asks, hands on his hips.

Cougar smirks, lifts his gun, and fires without taking his eye off of Jake. It’s unnerving, and when Jake finally turns to look at the human-shaped target, he finds a hole in the centre of its head.

His stomach starts doing all sorts of funny things, but Jake ignores it. "So we should probably get to the mess before all the good food's finished right? I mean, I'm not complaining. I lived with my sister growing up, and the woman can bake, but she cannot cook unless you _want_ black food, in which case, knock yourself out! But..."

Jake spends the entire walk to the mess wondering when Cougar will tell him to shut up or start threatening him. But he doesn’t. Jake calms down a bit after he realises that. Not enough to stop talking, _obviously_ , but enough to make his stomach chill the fuck out at least.

-

Unlike other teams, the Losers happen to have a lot of downtime interrupted by sudden missions. He spends the first few weeks working on a satellite project on base. Jake doesn’t see his housemates as often as one would think, aside from living together and scheduled team training sessions — including daily team dinners — they tend to keep out of each other’s ways.

The first time Roque takes him for armed hand-to-hand training, Jake gets his arm slashed open. Not from Roque — the man's the definition of control when it comes to his movements — but from tripping and falling on the one Roque had given him.  

He comes out of medical to all four of his team members in various states of laughter. After that, Roque calls him for daily training — which is _bullshit_ because it was one time. It’s not Jake’s fault. He’s mainly been working on computers for the last year.

-

Pooch and Jake spar too, mainly out of habit from the Q course. Pooch is damn good at what he does, but Jake can talk and fight and Pooch doesn't have long-term constitution for Jake’s rambling. Pooch ends up on the floor at a certain point, and Cougar tips his hat at Jake in acknowledgement. Jake crows until Pooch trips him.

Then one day, two weeks after Jake joined the team, Clay comes in with a mission. He tells them to pack up, briefing will be on the way, and to meet him on the airstrip in three hours.

Jake calls Jess and tells her he might not be able to talk to her for a while. When she asks him why, for the first time ever, he has to tell her it's classified. Jess goes quiet. There’s a shuffling sound from the phone held against his ear.

"Uncle Jake?" Beth asks. "Are you okay?"

"Everything's fine, your mom’s a worrywart. I'll see you soon, okay Bethie-Beth?"

"Don’t call me Bethie-Beth. I love you."

"Love you too, Bethie-Beth." Jake cuts the call before she can tell him not to call her that.

 


	4. Four

Jake’s first mission with the Losers is supposed to be a cakewalk — a straight-forward information extraction op in Honduras. Jake figures he could do this in his sleep, or without any at all, and gets into a gaming frenzy with Tony at midnight. He nods off around two, and loses unknowingly to Tony while snoring in bed, the laptop forgotten in front of him.

He gets woken up by Clay at Stupid O'clock, which is two whole hours before his alarm’s even set to blast the [_Recess_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zObiglKZKZc) theme song.

“If we had to deploy now, you’d be a liability to the team and the mission,” Clay thunders when Jake whines at the injustice of it all. “Shut up and colour. And be thankful we briefed already and have a six hour flight to Tegus.”

Clay stalks off, leaving Jake’s bedroom door open. Jake snaps his laptop shut and moves it to the bedside table. His eyes begin to close again, succumbing to sleep, only to have water sprayed in his face. He sputters and waves his hands, trying to sit up in bed. “Cougar?!”

Where the fuck did _he_ come from?

“Wake up.”

“But _why?”_  Jake moans, unsuccessfully wiping the water away from his face. Doesn’t Cougar want sleep? Why would he wake up this early to torment Jake? Or is this some sort of hazing? But Jake thought the hazing was done in basic, dammit! “Don’t you need to sleep?”

“Worry about yourself,” is the reply Jake gets. “Where is your bag?”

“My what? Oh.” Jake climbs out of bed to put together a duffel with things he’ll need during deployment. His laundry’s not been done yet, so he’s left with two undershirts and not enough underwear. He shoves what he can into the bag.

“Socks,” Cougar suggests. Right. Socks. Jake pulls open his sock drawer and groans. There in the back, is one lonely sock pair. He looks back at Cougar, who stares at the pathetic, rolled up sock. _No,_ dammit. Jake can adult, he can most definitely adult like a pro!

“It’s fine,” he says to Cougar. “It’s totally fine!”

_Now, where are the new socks that Jess had packed?_ Jake rummages through his wardrobe until he finds them, dumping them into the bag, packaging and all.

Success!

“See, told you it would be fine!” Jake says while quickly checking his back pocket for Spider-Man. Then, he finally turns to his tech. Time to decide who’s going with Papa and who’s staying home.

Aww, _shit._

“I don’t have enough time! How will I choose who comes with me?” Jake groans. Cougar just sighs and settles down on the floor by the door, his hat casting dark shadows over his face. “And if you say _vamos todos a morir_ I will kick you out of this room.”

Cougar snorts. Whether it is because of the lacklustre attempt at Spanish or the idea that Jake could kick Cougar out, Jake’s not sure.

-

Jake can’t stop being giddy despite the sleep deprivation because he’s onhis _first actual mission_. Despite that, Jake decides against tea and goes for more heart-pumping caffeine. Yeah, he knows he probably should have stopped somewhere around coffee number four.

And now Jake needs to pee. _Bad_. Unfortunately, he’s under the watchful eye of the chef, Arosa, while trying his best to dice onions. Why are there so many different ways to cut vegetables? And what’s the difference between a chop and a dice anyway? Jake had tried to tell Clay earlier — he could totally handle working the ballroom and getting the access card from the target. But no _, it had_ to be Roque. Apparently, Jake's not ready to blend in a fancy shmancy ball honouring some old general.  Hence Jake's current position, waiting on Roque while Clay and Pooch are comfortably not dicing onions in the car.

To make matters worse, Jake's kind of naked.

The only piece of tech he has is the comm unit and the USB stick on his keychain that’s disguised as a piece of _Lego._ Jake wants to fall into a pit and die. In an emergency, he knows he could hack just about anything electronic, but that doesn’t make Jake feel any less uncomfortable.

“Jensen, I’m on my way to you,” Roque whispers into the comm line.

“Well, I’m going to need an escape plan,” Jake whispers. “Arosa’s got her eyes on me.”

Then the kitchen door opens and Roque walks in. He fires off rapid Spanish to Arosa, and she nods, waving at Jake to come towards her.

" _Ir con él,_ " she tells Jake. 

“Holy shit,” Jake whispers to Roque once they’re out of Arosa’s earshot. “How did you do that?”

“Oh shut up, I told her we needed someone to carry the rest of the wine over,” Roque answers. “And she probably wanted an excuse to stop you from terrorising the vegetables. Okay, come on, the office is on the third floor.”

“Men, stay frosty,” Clay orders. “Civilians are starting to head up.”

“Copy that,” Roque answers, then turns to Jake. “Follow me.”

They take the stairs slowly, not wanting to draw attention to themselves among the guests. Once they make it to the door, the card refuses to work.

“Are you sure you got the right card?” Jake asks, being not particularly mindful of his own personal well-being, as Roque glares daggers at him.

“Kid, I got the right card. It was from Suarez.”

“Well, it isn’t reading, sir. And I have two more tries before it flips the alarm on.”

“It was the right guy!”

Jake takes a closer look at the card in the dim light of the hallway. Damn Jensen Luck. “You got the right guy alright,” Jake admits, “but it’s still not working.”

“Are you fucking with me right now?” Clay growls. “Jensen, can you bypass the security?”

“The moment I start unscrewing the panel, alarms are going to go off. And there’s no remote access,” Jake says.

Roque runs a palm over his face. “Mission’s a bust, Clay. We should bug out.”

“Office window is open.” Cougar’s voice comes in through the comm unit, quiet but clear. No way. They couldn’t possibly be that lucky.

“From the roof?” Clay asks.

“Wait a minute, hold on. Let the Pooch have that floor plan,” Pooch speaks up. There’s some shuffling on the comms. “Fourth floor rooms are guest bedrooms. No key cards.”

“Roque. Get that card back where it belongs,” Clay orders. “Jensen, get yourself upstairs and into that room. And don’t be seen, there are a fuckton of people outside and fireworks are starting soon.”

“Yes, sirree.” Jake passes the card back to Roque and heads upstairs. He forgets to knock and then the Jensen Luck strikes again. Jake thinks he might need a new patron superhero. Spidey in his pocket has been freaking useless so far.

“Oh my God,” Jake gasps. The general — currently lacking in clothes on his person — and his plus one startle and turn towards Jake. They seem quite busy, there on the bed. “ _Lo siento, lo siento, lo siento. Hay probleme con, con, uh… sequridad en esta, esta lugar..._ ” Jake cringes at Cougar’s nearly inaudible snort. _“Puede dejar esta lugar, por favor?”_

“Who are you?” the general demands. Wait, that was English.  

“Security.” The general looks at Jake’s cook’s uniform. “Well, you know, part-time. A little bit of extra ca—”

“What the hell is going on, Jensen,” Clay growls in his ear.

“Who are you? I demand—“

“I’m a nobody, no really, I’m kind of a nobody — _total_ Loser. No point in remembering me,” Jake babbles. “You should really consider the fifth floor rooms, they’re so much nicer, and Mr. Suarez is really concerned about your comfort.”

“Who do you think you are?” The general stands up in his full glory — eww — and stumbles off of the bed. Jake sees the gun on the floor beside the general.

“No really, consider forgetting this. Here let me help you. My friend’s got these tranqs, they work like magic. I’m sure he can get you some _right now._ ” Jake freezes, not wanting to get in Cougar' way.

A split second later, he says, " _fwip fwip,"_ under his breath justas two tranqs centimeters fly in through the open window, one after the other. The general falls back down onto the bed a moment before his companion follows. All Jake can think is, _holy shit that was fan-fucking-tastic._ He takes a moment to pocket the stingers after pulling them out of their necks. He’ll never doubt Spidey again. “Fwip, fwip, motherfuckers!” Jake says, grinning with glee.  

“What the _fuck,_ Jensen.”

“Hey Losers," Jake quips, ignoring Roque. "How'd the intruder get in?"

"In-tru-da window!" Jake answers his own question, and clambers out the window, and into the one below, landing neatly in the office.

“I’m going to go ahead and ignore whatever the hell that was. Pooch, get the car ready to go.”

“Clay. Seriously. Do none of you watch _Doctor Who_? That’s just a sin,” Jake grumbles as he heads towards the computer. The lights are off, but the glow of the Shakira screen saver is enough. Jake plugs in his drive, and lets the decryption run.

Ten minutes and a few kilometres between the Losers and the ball later, Roque finally notices the gun.

“Is that a 1911 silver Colt?”

“I don’t know. It was shiny.”

“Where did you get it?”

“The Honduran general. It was on the floor.”

“You swiped a gun from the Honduran general?” Clay turns around from the passenger seat to ask him.

“Oh come on, he was drunk and Cougar hit him with a memory loss super-tranq. He’s not going to remember. We’re fine.”

They turn around to stare at him.

“ _What?”_

They stare some more.

_“It was shiny!”_

-

Before they can head back for their debriefing, the Losers are assigned their next mission. Jake fills out his debrief form while flying to El Salvador, telepathically thanking Jess for the extra socks. They’re helping the local government in a counter-drug operation. It starts with a warehouse fire and ends with Jake falling out of a car mid-getaway.

At least they catch the drug lords.

To be fair, Jake only breaks an ankle. It’s not even the dumbest thing he's ever done. He accidentally built a bomb with Tony in the lab once. _This_ is a cake walk. Besides, they're back on base now. That means he can see Jess soon, which is awesome.

-

In hindsight, that was a stupid ass assumption.

-

When Jess hears about the fall, she and Beth make the trip to the base for the first time. Beth, who is usually quite open and carefree, hides behind her mother when his team shows up in Jake's hospital room to meet the “people who have the misfortune of being related to you”.

Jake’s going to mess with Roque’s credit score for that remark.

Then, Jake watches in amazement as Cougar kneels down to Beth's eye-level and asks, “And who might you be, _princesa_?”

“That’s not my name,” Beth replies, head peeking out from behind Jess.

“Mine is Carlos. Will you give me the honour of knowing yours?” Cougar asks. Holy crap, that’s a lot of words — his niece is obviously a Cougar whisperer. Cougar is looking at Beth with a softness that Jake has never seen displayed on his lean features before.

“You can call me Beth or Bethany. But not Bethie.” She takes a few hesitant steps before leaning in to whisper not-so-quietly in Cougar’s ear, “Only Uncle Jake’s allowed to call me Bethie.”

Aww, hell to the yes — who’s uncle of the year now? Jake punches the air and then gasps in pain. Aww, hell to the no — everything’s bruised and everything hurts.

Jess fixes him with The Death Stare™, then turns to Beth. “Monkey, why don’t you ask Carlos if he could give you a tour with his friends?”

‘Princess’ Beth leaves hand-in-hand with Cougar, and the other Losers dutifully follow them. Thankfully, Jess waits until the door closes behind the last of them before levelling him with the one look that’s scarier than The Death Stare — The Gaze of Fear.

Jess gets all mother hen-like on Jake, which is twenty types of awful, but the real salt in the wound is when he realises that she’s purposely left three months’ worth of comics at home as revenge.

Jake doesn’t want to know what will happen if and when he gets shot. He thinks Jess might refuse to make him treats  or worse — convince Jolene not to send extras for him when she sends Pooch care packages. And also, quite possibly murder whoever did the shooting.

-

As soon as Jake’s allowed to leave medical, he decides he needs to correct the Loser’s dire lack of knowledge in the field of _Doctor Who._ Either out of temporary insanity, or Jensen Luck, the others agree to a marathon. Jake doesn’t care — they promised they’d stay for at least two seasons. Whatever the reason, they’re bound by their words.

When they get to _The Sontaran Stratagem,_ Pooch pauses the video, and Jake is pelted with pillows from four different angles _._

"I'm injured! And you're assaulting me!" Jake yelps.

"In-tru-da-window? _In-tru-da-window?"_ Roque demands. "I’ve never wanted to kill a techie after just two missions, but you have no idea how badly I want to cut you right now."

Jensen looks up at Roque with an indulgent smile. “You’re not going to do that.”

“Don’t test me.” Roque grabs a handful of popcorn from the bowl on the coffee table.

Jake shrugs and reaches over to take the remote from Pooch. Jake hits play and leans back against the couch, Cougar to one side and Pooch on the other.

“Do we really have to keep him?” Roque asks, reaching for his beer.

“ _Sí._ ” Cougar throws popcorn and it reaches its target in Rogue’s mouth.  Everyone turn to stare at him. “Next episode.”

 

Unlike the barracks, or even the two-bed dorm he’d shared with Pooch back in the Q course, this place feels different. It’s the same feeling as being in that old run-down apartment with Jess, or in the lab with Tony: it’s an awful lot like _home_. Jake’s mouth spreads into a wide smile and he settles in as the _Doctor Who_ theme starts again.

-

Once Jake's bones heal, they're again off on one crazy mission after the other. After a three-month stint in Columbia, they’re off to Peru, and then French Guiana. It would be logical that with all this practical experience, Jake’s Spanish would get better, but considering Cougar’s reactions every time Jake utters a phrase in Cougar’s native language, that seems not to be the case.  

Jake learns to set a reasonable bedtime so Clay doesn’t force him up too early, but also to stay near Pooch if he wants coffee and treats. He learns that Jolene’s cookies are for everyone, but gorging on them by himself will put him on Pooch’s shit-list — Jake hadn’t even realised Pooch had one until after finding himself numero uno on the list. (It wasn’t even like Jake had done it on purpose — he’d been caffeine-programming! And things that happened on caffeine highs should not count. Someone needs to add that to the Code of Conduct).

Jake really hadn’t meant to eat all of them.  

Nevertheless, Jake spends an entire Saturday learning to make oatmeal cookies while Skyping with Steve — the only person in his pseudo-family who isn’t a complete disaster in the kitchen. Pooch still spits them out after the first bite, but he’s not annoyed anymore. He laughs it off, ruffles Jake’s hair like he’s a toddler, and goes off to work on his daily assignment on base. Jake sits down on the kitchen floor, cradling the beautiful but disgusting treats in his hands.

Jake jumps when a hand comes to rest on his shoulder. Jake looks up to find Cougar giving him a half-smile. “Come. We try together.”

The second batch is much better — Jake remembers to check labels for sugar rather than salt this time around. Cougar gets promises of cheesecake and sprinkles from Jake. Well, as soon as he comes over to visit Jess, because Jake’s strengths are clearly not in the kitchen. No, the title of best cook in the house goes to Roque.

Roque makes the best gumbo and the gooiest mac and cheese Jake has ever had. Roque also admits to having terrible addictions to gambling and Internet shopping. Jake’s question about his family gets him the sort of look that would make a lesser man shit his pants. He asks Pooch instead, who tells him that the only family Roque has is Clay. Roque has the worst temper and his mood swings are worse than pregnant Jess’, but one thing remains — he will follow Clay to the gates of hell and back. It’s a fortunate fact for Clay, because Clay hates assholes, and always picks fights with them in bars, usually when he’s out with just Roque and the bully in question has ten friends of his own.

Clay likes cigars and crazy women. It’s not a great combination, as evidenced by the time he scrambles out of his room, clutching his arm. Samira — or Samantha, something that starts with Sam — follows with Clay’s signature cigar between her fingers, smoking away even as Cougar pulls out the first aid kit for the burning spots on Clay’s forearm. Sam presses the smouldering end of the cigar against the wooden table, tells Clay to go fuck himself with a horse dildo, and leaves. Clay just shrugs, and mumbles something about women being volatile. Cougar hands him the cold cream and Clay takes it with a ‘ _gracias_ ’. Then he picks up his cigar — not even wiping the table, which is so unfair, since everyone’s always yelling at Jake when he makes a mess — and stalks back to his room.

Cougar sighs, and throws a rag in Jake’s direction. “Wipe the table and help me. I am making dumplings.”

Ah. Comfort food for Clay.

That’s the thing with Cougar. He might be the scariest, but is also the kindest. He’s unforgiving on the training mat — Jake always ends up black and blue after training with him — but whenever Cougar’s back from a laundry run, Jake finds his own clothes fresh and neatly folded on his bed. Cougar’s the one who lets him into his bedroom, lets Jake touch his bookshelf and the precious photo of his grandmother, a full-bodied woman with a crown of wispy white hair. Cougar lets him wrap himself up in her blanket because the one Jess made for him is falling apart and Jake hasn’t the heart to tell her yet. Somehow, Cougar has gone from the guy he was terrified of during training to a dear friend.

-

Six months later, they finally get a proper chunk of time off. Jess promptly invites the entire team over for dinner, which turns out to be an unparalleled success.

Never mind the burning turkey roast, or turning the leftovers into stew with the expert directions of Roque and Jolene. They end up scattered around the living room, enjoying the cheesecake and the hockey game. Jake himself is not the biggest hockey fan, but he promised Jess that there would be no tech, so he’s people watching. Pooch and Jolene are in the love seat. On the floor, Beth sits in Cougar’s lap — looking not even a bit afraid of the most dangerous man Jake knows.

Beth’s assessment of his team is just as important as Jess’ to Jake; he trusts her judgement. She’s wary of Roque, adores Jolene (and with time, Pooch), and stalks Clay not-so sneakily. Clay indulges her, pretending not to notice her peering at him from behind the curtains or under the table.

Cougar’s a different story. Jake thinks that maybe Beth likes Cougar ever more than she likes Jake. He’d be jealous, but he understands. Cougar’s really freaking cool. And Cougar adores Beth. Despite the fact that she’s been talking his ear off about ponies for over an hour, he’s still listening attentively. Even Jake’s not that good.

The others don’t know what to do with an inquisitive child, but Cougar’s a natural with her. He listens carefully, and knows when to help Beth with something and when to let her try solving the problem on her own.

Jess elbows him and Jake reluctantly turns away from them to throw her a questioning look. She answers with a raised eyebrow and tilt of the head in their direction. “What?”

“Jay.” She smiles.

_“What?”_

“Oh, for the love of—“ Jess sighs. “Nothing sweetie. Nothing.”

“Can I have my tablet for a half-hour, _pleeaaase?”_ he asks for the nth time.

“Oh fine. But only for ten minutes. Just this once.”

-

"Pooch come on, you’d be a great dad! Just look at Beth. She loves you! And no offense, but compared to some other people in her life, you’re downright boring. She has an eccentric genius billionaire for a godfather." Jake cannot believe he’s having this conversation with Pooch while marching through the Amazonian rain forest.

Pooch, who's still a Tony fan boy — goddammit they need to meet so Jake doesn’t have to deal with the not-so-but-totally-obvious mancrush — cracks a smile at that.

"He bought her a suit,” Jake says. “Like, an actual suit. From Armani. She wears it and makes up pseudo-scientific sentences so she can pretend to be Tony. She used to pretend to be me—"

"How? By reading the morning news in her underwear?" Roque asks, turning his head to face Jake with a smirk.

"NO, by taking my laptop and beating my _Mirror's Edge_ score," Jake replies smugly. He's not even a little disappointed because that's kind of amazing in itself.

"I don't even know what that means," Clay says from point. “If we weren’t the damn Losers, I’d sign you up for psych, kid.”

-

They’re family all right. Only family could be this impossible to live with.

-

But the Losers are also impossible to live without, Jake learns, while stuck trying to stop rogue missile launches from a prehistoric computer in Ecuador. He needs to get out of the building before the fifty guys with AK-47s rush into the room, and the others, excepting Cougar, are too far away to help. Pooch is yelling at Jake to move his skinny white ass. Which Jake resents — he's not that skinny anymore.

"I need three minutes," Jake replies, looking at the bar on the screen. "Also, these morons have some shitty ass computers — these monitors are gigantic! I'm a little ashamed to touch these. I call first dibs on showers."

"I'll give you first dibs on whatever you want if you get the hell out of Dodge, dumb ass. You have maybe thirty seconds," Pooch says.

"Yeeaaah, not happening. I blame you, PC!" Stupid fucking Bill Gates.

"Cougar, I need a distraction," Clay orders.

A second later, the screaming begins, and Jensen laughs — it’s a little maniacal, so what? "Whatcha hit, Cougs?"

"The shitty computer two floors below you," Cougar drawls. _Oh,_ the way Cougar says the word ‘shitty’, emulating Jake but not mockingly. Jake has to grin, because he's finally starting to get Cougar. Jake’s beginning to see what's really under that cowboy hat. The first impression of Cougar always leaves people thinking he craves the quiet and abhors talking. It has taken Jake a few months to realise that Cougar just likes saving his words. As if Cougar’s allotted only so many and he’s afraid to waste them. But when he finally uses them, there’s always enormous depth to every word. Jake wonders if there’s such a superpower as the ability to add intensity to one’s words.

Jake wants to know more. He wants to understand every movement of Cougar’s eyebrows and quirk of his lips, until he can read him as easily as Jess’ trademark stares and Tony’s flared nostrils. As easily as Rhodey’s furrowed eyebrows, Steve’s sad half-smiles.

So he’s going to have to learn to live with the Losers rather than without, it would seem.

-

They come home right as the heat of summer is fading. Jake spends a week installing new phones for the whole base, and pouts when Roque and Pooch get sent on loan to the NSA.

It’s a very early Tuesday morning. Jake has a field day for a change, which means cleaning, cleaning, and after that, some more cleaning. Jake’s pouring a bowl of cornflakes for himself, and he jumps half-a-mile — to Clay’s amusement from across the table — when, seemingly out of nowhere, Cougar places a mug of hot coffee beside Jake.

“Jesus _Christ_ will you stop doing that?” Jake grumbles, pouring a generous amount of milk into his coffee and cornflakes. “Thanks.”

_“De nada_ ,” Cougar replies just as his phone begins ringing. He checks the number, and moves to the living room to take the call.  

Jake’s half-way through his coffee when Cougar returns a moment later, a broken, wild look in his eyes. Cougar turns to Clay, asks for an emergency pass, and stalks to his room before Clay can even answer him.

"What was that?” Jake asks.

"Go find out while I organise a pass." Clay picks up his phone.  

Jake finds Cougar in his room, throwing things into a duffel bag with exaggerated precision.

"Cougar? Hey." Jake walks carefully towards the other man. Cougar doesn't turn, doesn't even acknowledge Jake. "Cougar, what's wrong?" He asks once he's close enough to touch. He doesn't though, not yet.

"My _abuela_ had a heart attack," Cougar tells him, voice strangely devoid of emotion. "I must go to make funeral arrangements." He folds another t-shirt meticulously.  

"Cougar." Jake pushes his glasses up. He doesn't know what to say, doesn’t really know what to do either, so he goes out on a limb. Jake reaches out and gently holds him by the wrist.

Cougar stills.

Then Cougar turns around and grabs Jake by his wrist, pressing a little too deeply at his pulse point. For a moment, there’s nothing in the world but Cougar’s pulse jumping against Jake fingertips.

Then Cougar pulls away, taking an indrawn breath.

"I have to go," Cougar says and walks out with his duffel bag.

Jake follows him and finds Clay in the living room snapping his phone shut. "I need a half-hour, Cougar."

Cougar nods, drops his bag by the door and stalks back to his room, the door clicking shut behind him. Clay turns to Jake. "What's going on?"

Jake loves Clay for this, for not pushing Cougar even though he has every right to, for letting Jake answer instead. "His grandmother passed away."

Clay sighs and nods.

"Colonel?" Jake asks tentatively.

"Yeah?"

"Can I go with him? I don't think he's in any state to go alone."  

“He might not want you there,” Clay warns.

“But he needs someone. Does he have anyone else?”  

Clay shakes his head. Then he picks up his phone again. Jake goes off to pack a small bag. He drops it near Cougar's bag, along with his black suit. Then he tentatively knocks on Cougar's door from the conjoining bathroom. Cougar opens the door and lets him in, face stony and eyes bright.

"I'm coming with you," Jake tells him. Cougar looks up at him.

" _Que_?"

"I told Clay already, he’s getting me a pass so I can come with you. Don't argue with me. Cougar, please. You’re always taking care of me, even if it’s tough love, and you know what, I don’t do tough love, but I’m here and I want to help. So please.” Jake looks at the stiff upper lip and the tremble in Cougar’s shoulders. “You need a friend. So let me be here for you.”

Cougar sighs. “ _Bueno_.”

-

They're silent during the drive. Jake sets up the J.A.R.V.I.S.-run GPS Tony had given him as Cougar sits with his hands in his lap. Jake's a little afraid to start talking because he's somewhat socially inept. He’s learned to read Cougar little by little, but right now Cougar's a locked room in a tall tower.

An hour into the drive, Cougar finally whispers, "Jensen."

"Yeah?"

"Talk to me."

Half an hour later, he turns to look at Cougar mid-sentence, and finds him asleep. Jake continues rambling — J.A.R.V.I.S. is still listening, after all.

-

They arrive around four in the morning. Jake gently shakes Cougar awake so he can let them into the bungalow. Jake tucks Cougar into bed, before collapsing on the couch in the living room. He looks around the house, and finds photographs of Cougar’s _abuela._ A recent one sits on the side table next to the couch, of her in a seat while Cougar stands bent behind her, leaning in to kiss her cheek.

All Cougar has — no, _had,_ was his grandmother, and now she’s gone and he’s alone. Sudden tears spring in Jake's eyes. He pulls out his phone and calls Jess.

“Jake, did something happen?” Jess asks after picking up.

“No, I’m sorry if I scared you.”

“No way. Why would a phone call from my brother in the military at four in the morning freak me out?” she asks dryly. So she’s a little pissed, but Jake doesn’t care. There’s just something about being able to hear her voice that calms Jake.

“I’m sorry.”

“Did something happen? Are you okay?”

“I’m fine. I just wanted to hear your voice. Go back to sleep, Jess.”

“You sure?” Jess asks. “Because you did just call me randomly in the middle of the night.”

“Yeah. I’ll tell you about it later. Love you.” Jake doesn’t want to talk about Cougar's grief over the phone.

“Love you too, Jake.”

 

-

Jake wakes up the next morning with a sore everything. He hears Cougar nearby, speaking in terse Spanish, but by the time Jake makes it to the kitchen, Cougar’s hung up the phone already.

The next few days pass in a blur of organising a funeral, notifying all the different government organisations to report the death, and dealing with the will. Cougar spends hours calling up family and friends. Jake just tries his best to take care of the things he can do, like venue organisation.

The next few nights they share Cougar’s bedroom. Jake hadn’t complained about the sofa — he’s slept on worse — but Cougar had ordered him to take the bed anyway. Jake resisted, and they had finally compromised by agreeing to share the bed; after all, it was big enough.

So they find themselves pressed up against each other in bed. Jake manages to sleep a little, but every time he opens his eyes, he finds Cougar awake. Sometimes Cougar’s on his knees praying, and other times, he’s just staring at Jake like he’s not sure what Jake’s doing here at all. It's probably creepy, but Jake finds it doesn't bother him at all. He’d come to help Cougar, but he’s not sure if he is actually of help anymore.

Cougar looks painfully vulnerable, and it’s not a word that Jake would have ever otherwise associated with the man. It makes him want to wrap Cougar up in soft cotton and protect him. The thought makes him laugh at himself in the middle of the night;. as if Cougar needs someone to cuddle him like a teddy bear. Cougar turns his head to look at Jake, his raised eyebrow just visible in the dim light.

“Ignore me. I’m just laughing at myself. Because I am an idiot.” The second eyebrow joins its brother. “Okay. I’m going to go back to sleep now.”

Cougar closes his eyes again.

-

The funeral is a small affair. There are elders from the Catholic Church that Marisola Francesca Roldan had attended. Jake is in love with that name. Jake and Cougar stay by the casket as well-wishers come by with goodbyes for _Abuelita_ and condolences for Cougar.

An hour into the viewing session, Cougar stiffens besides Jake as he catches a couple walking in. The man is tall, clean-shaven with cropped black hair. Looking at the woman is like looking into an alternate universe in which Cougar was born a woman. Long strands of silky raven hair frame a face with dark brown eyes and tawny skin.

The couple head straight towards the casket and Cougar swallows. Jake instinctively reaches over to squeeze his hand. Cougar squeezes back and then lets go.

“Carlos,” the man sniffs.

“ _Padre,_ ” Cougar replies stiffly. With the realisation that this man is Cougar’s father comes an irrational need to protect Cougar from him, never mind that Cougar can take care of himself. Jake turns to look at Cougar just in time to see the tense expression on his face turn into something tender. “ _Mamá_.”

“Carlito,” Cougar’s mother says, reaching out with her hand.

“Sofia,” her husband says sharply, and she pulls her hand away as if she’s been burned. Cougar watches with a blank expression as she turns to follow his father.

They leave, not even staying for the burial, but Jake’s glad because he cannot stand that fake look of control on Cougar’s face. He’s trying to put up a strong front but Jake can see clear as day how much it hurts him. Jake’s curiosity is clawing at him from the inside, but even he knows now is not the time to ask Cougar about his parents.

-

After the reception and everyone’s gone home, the two of the stay longer to deal with some paperwork before adjourning themselves. Cougar staggers into his bedroom, pulling violently at his tie with one hand while unbuttoning his shirt with the other. He gives Jake one look and Jake begins to strip as well, changing into running shorts and his _Firefly_ t-shirt. Cougar pulls on a pair of sweats and an ARMY t-shirt; all the usual grace in his limbs replaced by tightness. Cougar leads him to the garage, where Jake discovers a makeshift training room.

Jake knows how grief works. Clearly, they’ve reached _anger._

So far, training with Cougar has always been a learning experience. This time, Jake feels like one of the Colombian rebels that Cougar had taken down during their last mission. Jake’s fit, and he’s fast from training with Roque, but he can barely keep up. It takes Cougar less than a minute to slam Jake to the ground, his knee pressed against Jake’s chest. Cougar pulls away, offers Jake a hand, and they go at it again. Again another minute and Jake finds himself flat on his back. The third time, Cougar gets sloppy, and Jake almost has him. The fourth time, Jake throws Cougar to the ground, but he forgets to pin Cougar’s legs and finds himself on his back again, pinned down completely. Cougar’s hands are tight enough on his wrists that Jake knows they’ll bruise blue and ugly later.

Jake swallows, an unfamiliar knot forming low in his belly. Cougar doesn’t face him, instead boring holes into Jake’s chest with his eyes. Jake tries to pull his wrists out of the death grip, wiggling them just a little as not to set Cougar off.  

Cougar lets Jake’s wrists go immediately, instead clutching Jake’s t-shirt like a lifeline.

“Coug?” Jake asks. “You still with me? It’s okay if you’re not. We can spar some more if you want. Or. Or I can wait, you’re not all that heavy. I mean that in a good way. You’re totally buff and all that, you’re just no Roque. I mean, you’re more badass that he is, with your very fine hat and your big guns—”

Cougar’s shoulders begin to shake and Jake unthinkingly reaches up to wipe away the tears. But just as Jake's thumb reaches Cougar's cheek, Cougar grabs Jake’s wrist. The hold is not so firm that Jake can't shake it off, but he pausesanyway, not wanting to intrude any more into Cougar's personal space. Then, when Cougar does nothing, Jake tries again, wiping away the wetness on Cougar’s cheeks with Cougar’s hand still clasping his. Cougar allows it, still looking down rather than facing him. Then he abruptly pulls away, letting go of Jake's wrist at the same time. “ _Estoy bien_ , Jensen.”

“Oh. Of course, you’re fine." Jake totally believes that. Not. But he'll go along with it for Cougar. "Okay. Great. Fantastic. Now, do you want to go back into the house, or are you just going to gloat over the fact that you got me?”

Cougar pulls himself up with a fluidity that’s been missing all day. He stretches an arm out to Jake, and Jake takes it.

-

After Jake takes a shower, he finds Cougar in the living room with cardboard boxes and an eclectic collection of whosits and whatsits galore. “Is this stuff you want to keep?” Jake asks, and Cougar nods. “Okay, how about you bring me what you want to take with you, and I’ll pack it up?”

Cougar nods again, and Jake starts telling him about _Avatar: the Last Airbender_ and how it’s totally for everyone to watch.

After a long, if mainly one-sided conversation with the lawyer and executor of Cougar’s grandmother’s will, Cougar had decided to sell the house that now belongs to him. Other than a few small items, Cougar doesn't want anything. Jake had then arranged for someone to sell/give away everything else. There isn’t enough space on base, and for the most part, there is no point to keeping a large portion of the things in the house, such as the furniture. Cougar doesn’t plan to move out of military housing for a while, and it’s a waste of money to keep things in storage for that long.

Cougar hands him the few things he wants to keep — a couple of photographs, a shawl, a rosary, and some other small effects. The late Marisola and Jake had two things in common: first being their adoration of Cougar, and second their tendencies hoard the most random of things. There’s a multitude of small glass figurines on the fireplace mantle. Cougar hands him the [pony](http://thumbs2.ebaystatic.com/d/l225/m/m9GsCKTfQOrw5rKg3jf-Iow.jpg). Jake gives him a curious look.

“For Beth,” Cougar explains. Jake swallows, touched, and pockets it carefully.

Marisola was also very nifty with her fingers, as evidenced by the three knitted queen sized blankets and the quilt covering Cougar’s bed. They pack all four of them into one cardboard box.

Jake’s just opening up a new cardboard box when Cougar hands him a photo frame, and Jake freezes. It’s a younger Sofia, with her mother.

“She was my _abuela’_ s only daughter,” Cougar explains, gracefully sliding onto the floor across from Jake. “Mama grew up in California with _abuelita._ My father met her in college. They married and moved to Madrid. I was five.”

Jake doesn’t want to interrupt. Cougar only speaks when he has something to say. Every word is a precious commodity Cougar won’t risk wasting, and Jake doesn’t want to miss out on a single one.

“My father and I had an argument when I was fifteen. He sent me away.” Cougar takes the photograph back from Jake gently brushing his thumb over the image of his mother's face.

“I’m so sorry, Cougs.” Jake props his chin up with his hands, looking up at Cougar. “Guess we both have terrible luck in the parents department. At least you got your mom’s good looks. My mom was a looker too, but Jess got all of it, the gene thief.”

Cougar smiles at that just a tiny bit, so that’s in Jake’s favour. He’s wondering whether he should finish his train of thought or just let Cougar be — Jake knows he can be annoying sometimes. Usually, he doesn’t care, and neither does anyone else in the Losers, but this is different. Cougar’s grieving and Jake’s not su—

“Jensen. Talk to me.” Cougar puts the frame into the box and scoots over until he’s leaning against the couch. He takes his hat off, places it in his lap, and drops his head until it’s resting on the seat of the couch. Cougar’s hair’s a little greasy, and sort of sticking in twenty different directions. But they’ve been working for hours and besides, it doesn’t make him look any less badass. Neither does the green rosary glittering from his bare neck.

“Well, Jess is like the prettiest woman on the planet. No but seriously, she could be a Disney princess, she used to have the hair. Like Rapunzel hair, except I don’t think Jess would be Rapunzel, I think she’s probably more like Mulan. But then she went and chopped all her hair off. I mean, it wasn’t because of family honour — Beth’s our defender in that battle. It was more practical, but I’m sure that’s why Mulan did it too. Imagine having to fight with a sword with all that hair flying in your face? Well, I suppose you’d need a nice ponytail or something and then maybe you’d be okay? But then someone could grab your ponytail…”

At some point, Jake lies down on the couch, his head next to Cougar’s while chattering away.

Cougar doesn’t sleep — Jake’s not sure that Cougar _has_ slept since they arrived at the house — but he’s calm and quiet and the tension slowly melts away. So Jake stays awake and talks for Cougar’s sake.

-

When Jake wakes up, he’s on his side, breathing in the smell of citrus of Cougar’s hair, even while it tickles his nose.

-

They’re supposed to alternate driving every two hours on the way home because they’re both exhausted. Fifteen minutes into the drive, Cougar falls asleep for what Jake thinks might be the first time since they’d arrived in California. Jake doesn’t have the heart to wake him, so instead he calls Jess.

“Jessie Jay, I have a life and death situation here.”

“ _WHAT?_ ” Jess demands in that whisper that her voice turns into when she’s forcing herself not to yell at him.

“Well, it’s a long story,” Jake whispers back, swerving a little to keep in his own lane — driving with one hand is not easy. “I’m driving up with Coug and he fell asleep, so I need you to keep me awake and make sure I don’t crash the car and kill both of us. So like I said, life and death situation here. You up for it?”

-

Pooch and Roque make it back to base before they do, and the smell of _migas_ greets them at the front door. Roque’s in the kitchen, and says something to Cougar in rapid Spanish that makes him smile. Cougar and Jake drop everything at the door to crowd around the kitchen table.

-

Fourteen hours later, they’re in Peru. Jake runs out of sunscreen on the second morning, and then _burns_ like a witch in Salem in 1692. It's not pretty. More importantly, it fucking hurts and he can’t help but whine. He’s New England born and raised — this is just unfair. Roque threatens to cut him, Pooch actually runs away and opts for sleeping outside despite the countless animals trying to kill them, be they spiders or jaguars. Unable to put up with it anymore, Clay pushes Jake into the room he's sharing with Cougar and leaves, slamming the door behind him.

"—it’s like plants and their light use efficiency value but the difference is that plants are pretty and green and don't have any pain receptors so they're fine. But I have pain receptors and that's why God particularly hates me because he didn't _have_ to give me pain receptors, no, but he did. On that note, evolution is a bitch and needs to weed out pain because it is a shitty symptom because oh, your stomach hurts? Well, it could only be like twenty thousand different things, how useful, seriously." Jake has to stop to take a deep breath and in that moment Cougar escapes.

Dammit.

Cougar’s still grieving his grandmother and Jake hasn’t yet learned to shut up and leave people in peace. Jake places his glasses in their case, and collapses onto his bed, arms crossed across his chest. But _fuck_ he's so mad at plants right now. And sponges. And single-celled organisms. And basically anything that is lucky enough to be born without pain receptors.

The sudden cold on his cheek startles the hell out of him.. "Christ in a coconut tree, warn a man, Cougar!"

Cougar says nothing, just uses his fingers to spread the magic concoction onto Jake’s cheeks, his throat, his poor nose. Jake closes his eyes in relief and sighs. Then there's a slick finger running over his mouth — oh, it’s just yoghurt — and his insides catch fire. Jake's ablaze with desire and no amount of yoghurt's going to help quench the heat. Jake tenses, and bites his lip because now, more than ever, he's aware of his habit of saying unnecessary things out loud before his brain can stop him. If Cougar notices, he doesn't say anything.

"Wash it off in a couple of minutes," Cougar advises before walking out, the door clicking shut behind him.

Jake breathes in.

Out.

In again.

Then Jake grabs a tissue from the box under the bed, shoves his shorts down, and jerks off, hard and fast. He comes with such intensity he sees stars long after his cock stops twitching from the aftershocks. Jake cleans himself up and heads to the bathroom, his mind gloriously foggy as he washes the yoghurt off his face. The cold sweat hits Jake just as he climbs back into bed; the reality of what he just did burns into the back of his head.

All of a sudden, the world turns itself, _rights itself,_ and Jake understands.

He can't chalk it up to not having any other physical contact for weeks, because he's never really had physical contact except for Jess and Beth. Rhodey isn't very tactile and neither is Steve, really. Tony clings, but they're family — that's what they do.

It would seem Jake's at least a little bit gay.

Then again, women are beautiful, so Jake isn't sure if he's strictly into men. He's literally never slept with anyone, so it's difficult to tell. Okay, he might be bisexual. Or pan. Because that crush on Lea — who had been Leo first, his brain reminds him — had lasted a good two semesters.

That's fine. He's still young enough for a sexual revelation. Some people have sexual awakenings in their forties. At least, those are the facts according to some of the fan fiction he's read.

Maybe it was just a one-off thing.

It doesn't make a difference, Jake realises with a sharp twist in his chest. Who's he going to tell? What’s he going to do about it?

No one. Nothing.

No one, and nothing, because if anyone found out, all this time and blood and tears and pain will have been for nothing — except a dishonourable discharge. When he started out he had no idea that DADT applies to him, but he sure as hell does now.

Beth is four years old — soon they'll need money for school — and he needs to start saving now, because college tuition's only going up and he doesn't want her to struggle through school like he did. Jess is working lots of extra hours after Beth goes to sleep as IT support, because Beth wants to play soccer in little league, and uniforms aren’t cheap. She's too young for soccer but she's definitely passionate enough — they need the extra money. Jake's not sure how he'd get a job with a dishonourable discharge.

Besides, Jake doesn't know if he could deal with a mundane job after the Losers. He might not have planned for this life, but at this moment, there’s nothing else he’d rather be doing.  

There is no way in hell he's ever going to risk all of that on plain old physical attraction.

 


	5. Five

Jake breathes out in relief as Jess’ front door clicks shut. He locks up, and then just leans against the door for a minute. Jake hasn’t seen his two favourite ladies in three months, and longing claws at him from the inside out. Since Jake’s discovery of his secret, undying lust for Cougar, all he has wanted is to be home with stable Jess, and watch bright Beth play.

The moon had kept him company on the road until all of two minutes ago, so he knows they are most definitely fast asleep. Jake takes his boots off and tip toes up the stairs. He stops by Beth’s door, and carefully pushes it open. ThePeppa Pig nightlight keeps the room from being jet black; Beth is sprawled on the bed, half her pillow darkened from drool.

Just for the little while, he decides, setting himself up in the reading corner. He’ll just stay for a minute or two…

-

“Uncle Jake! Uncle Jake!”

Jake jerks awake to Beth’s excited voice. She runs to open the curtains, and late morning sunlight floods the room. Before Jake can even open his mouth to say hello, he finds her in his lap.

“Beth, did you pick up the phone?” Jess calls from nearby. “Is that Uncle Ja—”

Jake looks up to find Jess in the doorway, stunned silent.

“Hey Jess.”

-

After Beth finally gets off of him and goes to the bathroom, Jess comes to sit beside him on the plush carpet. “Not that I’m not happy to see you or anything, but is everything okay?”

“What, can’t a fella go surprise his family? Did something change while I was gone?  It’s still a free country right?” Jake tries to crack a joke, but it falls flat.

“You’re awfully subdued for a _fella_ who’s trying to surprise his family.” She stares at him pointedly.

“I was tired,” Jake defends himself. “I was only going to stay here for a second and then go for a shower. Then I fell asleep!”

Jess smiles wryly and stands back up. “Okay, whatever. I’m not done with you yet, but first...”

“Coffee?” Jake asks.  

“Coffee.”

-

After a welcome breakfast consisting of waffles _and_ pancakes, Jake and Beth spend the whole day running around, giving Jess much-needed study time. She sets herself up on the couch with textbooks to study for her next IT exam, and promptly falls asleep. So Jake sticks a post-it on Jess’ forehead that says he’s taking Beth out for ice cream, and they tip toe out of the house.

Beth clings to his hand while skipping down the street, waving at the neighbours she recognizes — and also the ones she doesn’t. She’s so trusting and happy, and yes, it is dangerous that she says hi to anyone and everyone, but Jess has always taught her to never run off, so Jake knows he’ll never lose her. However, that doesn’t stop her from dragging Jake _everywhere._  

They get two ice cream cones from the nearby kiosk and walk to the park, where they can take refuge from the scorching summer heat. They drop onto to the grass under a large maple tree.

“Uncle Jake,” Beth says, but it sounds more like “Uwwwu waaake” with the last of her cone shoved in her mouth.

“Yeah?” Jake asks, and then for Jess’ sake adds, “Don’t talk with your mouth full.”

“Can we take a selfie?”

“Now there’s an idea,” Jake exclaims, pulling his phone out.

They take a selfie and send it to Tony, who, in turn, calls Jake just to bitch about his father retiring. Tony goes on for a good ten minutes before Beth holds her hand out for the phone. Jake obediently passes it over to her. She winks at Jake — well, she tries to, but mainly just blinks at him exaggeratedly — then proceeds to sweet talk ‘Uncle Tony’ into an upgrade for Jocasta.

She’s _good._

Jake is one proud uncle.

-

That night, he’s watching _The Incredibles_ on DVD — thank God for technology and money — with Beth in his arms and Jess asleep on his shoulder.

"Uncle Jake, when I grow up, I'm going to be a superhero," Beth says.

Jake nods seriously, because a) don’t mess with a kid’s dream, and b) if anyone could become a superhero, if would be Bethany Jacqueline Jensen. Despite the lack of a tragic back story that is most definitely not going to happen if Jake has anything to do with it.  "That sounds awesome."

"It will be. And you'll be my sidekick, ‘kay?"

"Are you sure I'm good enough to be _your_ sidekick, Bethie-Beth?" Jake asks, exaggerating his facial expressions.

"Don’t call me Bethie,” she admonishes. “And of course you are, silly! Mommy says you're in the army and that already makes you a hero — so you can be my superhero sidekick!"

If the army ever slaps him with a dishonourable discharge, at least he has _some_ options, Jake thinks, and then snorts. The noise wakes Jess up; she demands to know what’s going on, catches the time and rushes Beth to bed.

When she comes back down, she climbs onto the couch and tucks her feet under Jake’s thigh.

"So they invented these things called socks—"

"Hush you, Edna’s talking about capes,” Jess mumbles. “No capes, Jake."

Jess falls asleep on him again sometime near the end of the movie.  Jake's carrying her up the stairs when she asks groggily, "Are you sure you’re okay? Tell me how to help you, Jay..."

Jake considers telling her the truth. It’s one thing to not tell Jess about classified intelligence, it’s another to keep personal things from her. But this time, Jake can’t tell her the truth. Jess has always worried about him, but she has enough on her plate — from work, to Beth, to this part-time diploma she’s trying so hard to get. She doesn’t need more problems. And he isn’t a kid anymore, it’s time he learned to handle his own issues. Besides, Jake doesn’t need to talk to Jess for her to make things better — just being with her and Beth does that. Jake’s biggest worry is about being a blabbermouth, considering he has a secret to hide, but it’s okay.

The most important thing is his family. Everything else comes in second place, even his own sexual preferences. He can’t mess up now. The mortgage won’t get paid off without his military house allowance, and Jake’s been saving up for Beth’s college fund. He can’t get kicked out now, _no way._

"I’m A-Okay, Jess," Jake tells her as he tucks her into bed. “You’re already helping.”

The orange blanket is rather worn these days, but it still keeps her warm after Jake wraps it around her shoulders. She smiles and blows him a kiss with her eyes closed. “Good night, Jake.”

“Good night, Jessie Jay.”

-

Instead of hitting the hay, Jake settles at his desk with the laptop. As usual, it’s just too early for Jake to go to sleep. He can’t bug Tony because Saturday’s date night with Steve, and he can’t bug Rhodey because Rhodey’s deployed. Jake considers getting more friends.

Nah. Too much work.

He's planning on catching up on the new season of _Supernatural,_ but he decides to check out the forum first.

Big mistake.

Twenty million fangirls are screaming about how "totally gay Dean is for Cas" and Jake doesn’t even know who Cas is, _why can’t people just mark their posts with spoilers?_

Except now that he's here, Jake’s lack of self-preservation decides to remind him that it still exists. The idea's been playing around in his head, and — damn it all to hell but the actor who plays Dean is really hot.

This is a bad idea.

Jake should stay in denial, not encourage himself.

But Jacob Jensen has never been particularly well-known for his self-control.

Jake gets up, locks his bedroom door and pulls out his earphones. He tells himself it's an experiment. After all, his best friend is the king of experiments, and it's bound to have rubbed off on him. Voices in his head that sound suspiciously like Steve and Rhodey tell him that that’s not a good thing, but he ignores them. He’s doing science.

Science. That’s the reason he starts googling gay porn.

The first search result has so many options and channels that Jake just looks at the page in terror. Some of the tags don’t even look enjoyable as much as either painful, embarrassing, or painfully embarrassing. Jake sorts the videos by popularity and clicks on the first one.  

His erection makes its discomfort known a little bit into the video — yet the two men are just kissing.

Granted, they have hands in each other’s pants, but Jake can’t see anything other than the kissing. Then one of them trails his fingers up the other's bare stomach, fingernail scratching a perk nipple before tugging at the dumbbell piercing. The fingers make their way over his jaw and into his mouth. A pink tongue peaks out, slicking up the long, nimble fingers, and Jake’s brain checks out.

When his brain reboots and he can see clearly again, Jake looks down at his stained pyjama pants in shock.

After he chucks his clothes in the washing machine, he runs the shower, and stands under cold water just in case arousal decides to make a second visit.

Hot people are hot, Jake decides, when the cold water pouring over his head lets him think clearly. No matter what gender they are, hot people, are hot.

The idea of hot people leads to thoughts of hot Cougar, but Cougar’s his friend, not someone he should be objectifying — objectification is just plain gross — so Jake tries to think of other things.

-

Nearly six months after the Losers are assigned together, they’re ordered to take down a rebel base in Colombia. It’s them against fifty men with AKs.

Nothing new.

Then, the Jensen Luck strikes.

Jake gets captured and is taken off to a new base by the rebels who escape from the base they’d destroyed. He doesn’t even see the new location — they blindfold him.

After way too many hours — he thinks, Jake’s not sure how much time’s passed — of bumping around in the back of a truck later, Jake’s dragged somewhere inside and tied to a chair. One of the young men has a knife in his hand — it’s not as nice as any of Roque's, but it’s still pretty damn sharp — which is Jake’s last clear memory before waking up in a lumpy bed.

The room is dark, and for a second, Jake flails — he has no idea where he is, or even the time. He can’t move his left arm, and that results in even more panicking.  A firm, sure hand wraps around his right wrist.

_This_ is familiar. _This_ reminds him of the smell of California oranges and the blue of bruised wrists.

Jake stills.

“Jake, _cálmate._ You are in base medical. It is the 29th of August. You’re safe.” Cougar reaches over him to turn on the light attached to the bed. Jake blinks until his eyes adjust.

Roque and Clay are asleep on chairs, their legs propped up on Jake's bed. Pooch is also asleep, curled up on his side on the second bed in the room, right on top of the plastic covering. Cougar takes the bed controls and helps Jake into an upright position.

Jake's too tired to ask, but Cougar's already turned away to fetch water, bringing the glass up and placing the straw in his mouth. Jake takes a few sips, and then pushes the water away as his lungs burn. He leans back against the upright bed and manages a couple of short, uneven breaths. Cougar places his palm over Jake's chest, rubbing in calming circles.

“Breath with me, Jake,” Cougar says in a soothing voice. Jake focuses on the warmth of Cougar and the sound of his breath.

-

Jake has three broken fingers, a couple of missing nails, a concussion, and a dislocated shoulder. Not that he remembers much of how any of that had happened. There are glimpses here and there — memories of that ugly bathroom in Lynn, then the glint of the knife, the bright white light blinding him as they’d pushed him onto his back on the floor. The glitter of Jess’ old necklace.

Nothing makes sense.

“Jensen. Jake.” Cougar gently pats his cheek and Jake snaps back to reality.

Right. Jake’s in medical, the doctor is listing his injuries, and his team is crowding him.

“Yeah, sorry. I’m fine,” Jake croaks out. Cougar hands him water again and he takes the straw in his mouth. When Jake looks back at the team and the doctor, he finds them all staring at him with scrutiny.

Then Pooch asks if they should call Jess and Jake forces out a no, because he doesn’t want Jess to see him like this.

-

Medical discharges Jake two days later and it's Roque who helps him back home. Jake knows he's shaky still, but it’s not like he can remember anything, so it shouldn’t be screwing him up bad. But Jake also knows the others have noticed. They’ve propped him up on the living room couch when he overhears Clay and Cougar talking about him. All he catches are snippets of a conversation that goes "just a kid" and "I'm worried" but it’s enough to tell him that he’s messed up.

It's a late Saturday evening, but they've been on stand-down since they came home. Pooch tells him that Clay refuses to take another techie. Which is a bit stupid, but also loyal and damn it, Jake loves him for it. Not that he says it out loud. He doesn't feel safe anymore. It's like being in Lynn again — he’s quiet because he doesn't know what word will set Dad off. The only people who could make him feel safe are Jess and Tony, and he can’t call them right now. Jake doesn’t want them to worry about him. The very idea of calling them brings up images of the ever-exhausted Jess and super-stressed Tony running his whole company.

Instead, Jake stays quietly in the living room watching _Star Trek Next Generation_ reruns. When he gets sick of the worried looks from everyone, he escapes to his room and watches it on the laptop instead.

-

It's late Friday evening when Jake ventures into the living room and settles on the couch, turning on the television so it's not so deathly quiet. Pooch has left with his weekend pass.  

Jake has one too, but he's not going to be using it.

"Jake." He startles and looks up to find Cougar in front of him, holding out a bottle of water. Jake doesn't have the energy to argue so he takes it and drinks. When it's empty, Cougar takes the bottle away, and then sits beside Jake, close enough to touch. "Jake, will you talk to me?" Cougar asks.

Jake would love to, God knows Roque's been wanting Jake to shut up from months, and now he’s not around, Jake actually manages it. Lost, he asks, "About what?"

"MIT."

"Well, I think I missed all the 'typically' fun stuff because I was just fifteen when I started, but I like to think Tony and I had more fun than any of those fuckers, because robots beat everything."

Then he stops. He doesn’t know what to focus on. MIT was four years of his life, where does he start?

"Tell me about Tony," Cougar orders. Their thighs are millimetres apart and Jake can feel the heat radiating between them.

Jake closes his eyes. Tony’s secrets are his own, but Jake trusts Cougar — it can’t hurt to talk about some things.

"A cheesecake addict. Honestly, I don't know how he stays so skinny after all the cheesecake he eats. And Jess is his dealer. The man could eat an entire cake in a day. Of course, the results of a sugar-high programming episode are not always optimal — case in point, Tony’s very first bot, DUM-E. Anyways, there was a lot of coffee spilled, which is on par for MIT, and then there were the orange water balloons. That's totally on par for Caltech, damn assholes..."

Cougar listens to Jake's ramblings with singular focus. Jake becomes more confident with every sentence. The words come one after the other and he finally feels a little bit more like himself.

Afterwards, Cougar leads him to his room and pulls his shoes off. Jake sits on the bed, lets Cougar strip him out of his fatigues and press him into the bed in his t-shirt and shorts. The blanket is a soothing comfort as Cougar tucks him in.

"You're going to be okay," Cougar says in a gentle voice, his fingers barely touching Jake's clavicle where the blanket meets bare skin.

Jake closes his eyes and waits until Cougar walks away, turning lights off and quietly closing the door behind him.

Jake's one hundred percent mission incapable. He’s missing time too, and he gets the feeling that has happened before.

No, he's not sure he'll ever be okay.  

-

When Jake wakes up, it's early — even for the army — but he can't sleep anymore. So he strips his bed, remakes it fresh, and steps into the shower. He's a soldier. He can do this. Jake washes up, rips off the bandages on his fingers, climbs out and gets dressed. He locates his glasses, then his phone. Checking his messages, he finds six from Jess, so he mans up and calls to tell her he's home.

“I gotta go, Jess. I’ll visit soon. Give my love to Beth,” Jake tells her and hangs up.

Jake can't go home — not yet.

He can't look at Beth, golden and happy and _alive,_ and not break down crying. He wants to hold her tight and kiss her until she tells him it's gross and pushes him away like she always does. But there is no way Jess wouldn't realise he isn't okay the moment she sees him, so he can't go visit them. Not this time.

Instead Jake puts on his training uniform and goes for a run. When he gets back, Jake finds Clay coming out of his room with a duffel bag and civvies on.

"Hey, Jensen," Clay says. "I'm going to be out ‘til Monday. You going home?"

"Nah, think I'm just going to sleep for the next seventy-two hours." Jake tries for a smile, but it's a fail. Clay comes up to him and places his hand on Jake’s shoulder, serious expression.

"You're going to get through it. You're tougher than you look, son."

-

Jake doesn't realise he's zoned out until the sound of knuckles rapping on the coffee table brings him back from la-la land.

"Jensen?" Roque asks, kneeling in front of him. Jake's sitting on the couch — he has vague memories of getting there after Clay left. "You with me, wonder kid?"

"Yeah. I'm here. Oh! How about breakfast,” Jake says, trying to be his normal self. “I think my stomach's considering mutiny and the intestines are definitely joining in.”

"It's almost noon."

Fuck. Well, there goes any chance of getting through his day like a normal person. Roque will probably get Jake kicked off the team if he doesn’t clean up his act soon.

Roque stands up and holds out a hand, Jake accepts it and pulls himself up. "Well, lunch then. Let's go get lunch," he suggests, all the while tailing after Roque into the kitchen. He lets himself be pushed into one of the chairs. Roque's cooking — that's always a good thing.

"Are you going away too?" Jake asks. "Oh no. Please don't tell me you're stuck babysitting me."

“No, that’s Cougar. I’m going later today.” Roque places a bowl in front of him. “Now eat.”

Jake obeys, slurping one spoonful after the other. Jake isn't hungry, but he finishes out of principle — you don't waste food — and then looks up. Roque's beside him, eating his own bowl of soup. The kitchen is clean except for the few pots in the sink. The grocery list on the fridge is piling up, and beside it is the drawing Beth had given him, bright stick figures of Jake, Jess, and Beth, all sporting lime green hair because she's lost the yellow crayon.

And he's back in Peru again, the bright green of his captor’s shirt a stark contrast to the dark look on his face. That changes when the Losers storm Jake’s prison room. The green turns red as Roque stabs Jake’s captor with a knife. Jake looks at his fingers and wonders where his nails went and hey, isn’t that supposed to be painfu—

"Jensen?" He startles, turning to face Roque's rough voice. Roque's out of his chair and right in front of him.

"I'm fine," Jake manages to say. "Soldier through it, right?" Jake's a poster child for fucked-up childhoods but this is just ridic—

"No." Roque sighs. He pulls away and falls into his chair with ease. "I told the others, but they just wouldn’t listen. You’re too green."

_"What?"_

"We all had over five years of field experience in the special forces before they put us on the Losers. You and Pooch? Fresh out of training. Pooch is four years older than you, and at least he’d spent a couple of years deployed with the army."

Frustration and disappointment rise up inside of Jake like bile. He’s worked hard as hell to get into the Losers; he thought they were family now. This really hurts. "I'm not a kid, I'm twenty-seven and my aptitude-"

"This is not about aptitude tests. You had never spent a day in an active war zone. But Clay said that didn’t matter. You’re just comms and tech — plus a genius. He _never_ fucking listens. I don't even know why I bother. Being smart doesn't mean you're ready to handle things like this."

"I can do it. I've made it this far, haven't I?" Jake counters.

"You're just clever enough to fool everyone. You have to learn to cope, find something that works for you instead of hiding like a child." The words cut right through Jake’s flesh and into his heart.

Roque's right. He's so damn right. So Jake was captured — that's part of being a soldier. And if he's a soldier, it's his job to move on from these things. But he doesn't know how.

"How do you do that?" Jake asks. "Move on, I mean."

"Depends. Pooch has Jolene. I like a good bar fight. Cougar mother-hens everyone in the house, like fucking hell I don’t need that shit but he does, so I let him. Clay goes out, gets drunk, and fucks women.”

"I don't like getting drunk, and I can't—” He takes a short breath. "I can't see Beth right now. All I see is..."

“Look man.” Roque leans forward and squeezes his shoulder with calloused fingers. “I wasn’t sure about you in the beginning. And to be honest, I still ain’t all that hopeful. But I’m waiting for you to prove me wrong. Find a method to cope that works for you, and put this shit behind you. You _are_ a genius, after all.”

Roque pulls away and stands up, looking behind Jake. There’s nearly no sound, but soon enough, Cougar lands himself in Jake’s line of sight, hands full of grocery bags that he dumps on the kitchen island. Damn ninja.

“Okay, he’s all yours,” Roque tells Cougar. “I’m out.”

“I don’t need a babysitter.”

“Touch luck,” Roque says. “ _Adios,_ Losers.”

“ _Adios,”_ Cougar replies, tipping his hat before taking it off and placing it in its spot in the kitchen.

-

As soon as the groceries are put away, Cougar drags Jake over to the couch and hands him the remote.

"What is it called, the one with the loud Colombian woman?" Cougar asks.

" _Modern Family?_ Really?” Jake asks. Cougar nods at him to continue. “Okay, sure. I mean, it's awesome — I get you. I personally like _Community_ if we're going with sitcoms, FYI. Now there's a real show about geek culture. If I see one more review about _Big Bang Theory_ and its celebration of geek culture, I'll kill Chuck Lorre myself..."

Cougar's a great distraction; before Jake knows it, he’s set up the DVD and is crashing on the couch beside Cougar. "But _Modern Family,_ now _that's_ funny, and I like how you Spanish speakers pronounce your 'a's because when you call me Jake, it's the same ‘a’ as when Gloria's calling Jay, except you don't sound anything like Gloria. By the way, can you _believe_ she's in her forties? Because let me tell you, she doesn't look a day over twenty-five. She made a deal with the devil, I fucking know it..."

Cougar encourages Jake to talk through most of the episodes, and then makes them take a break after the fifth episode to get dinner. It’s pizza, and Cougar makes him eat at the table because apparently their eyes need a break. If Jake had more energy, he would complain.

They make it back to the couch, and Cougar throws a thin blanket over him. Jake pulls his feet up, resting them over Cougar’s lap before choosing the next episode on the list.

-

Jake wakes up feeling secure. There's a line of safety that's anchoring him in place by the waist that Jake realises is Cougar's arm. The vibrations of his pillow turn out to be Cougar’s breaths — his heartbeat in Jake's ear.

"Cougs?" Jake asks, lifting his head to face him.

Cougar's head is falling off the armrest. Cougar looks down, the dim lamp behind him casting shadows over his face. _They should probably go to bed_ , Jake thinks, yawning. But Cougar turns off the lamp. He leans forward to grab Jake and pulls him back down. They squirm a little until they're comfortable, and Jake would think it's awkward but he feels too comfortable and secure with Cougar's arms around him to care. They’re pressed chest to chest now, and Jake hides his nose in the crook of Cougar’s neck.

He sleeps.

-

When Jake wakes up again, he's under Cougar, who is curled up over him, his bare feet tucked between Jake's knees. He can smell Cougar's aftershave and an undercurrent of ozone and gun powder. The line of Cougar's body is pressed flush against him, and it's so very distracting.

Jake's not all that surprised when his cock reacts. He doesn't have much to go on, really — from what he's seen, sex seems to require incredible elasticity, and some of it just looks too daunting. But Cougar's so hot, and he's where Jake's attraction to men began. Jake’s spent too many times jerking off to the idea of those deft fingers in his mouth, that the fact that his cock is straining against the elastic of his shorts, doesn't surprise him much.

Surprise? No. All consuming fear? Hell yes.

He tries his best to will the erection away before Cougar wakes up, when he feels Cougar move above him. Jake is thankful for the darkness, because he can't face Cougar's anger, or worse — disgust. Cougar pulls himself away from Jake, taking his warmth and safety along with him. A few seconds later, stark white light floods the room and Jake sits up, his head a dead weight in his hands. He doesn't dare look at Cougar, but he's too in-tune with his surroundings to miss the sounds of Cougar locking up the apartment.

A few steps later, Cougar's got his fingers around Jake's wrists and pulls them away from his face. "Jake, it's okay."

And before Jake can start going on about how it's so _not_ okay, Cougar pulls him up from the couch. "I won't tell anyone. We can pretend this never happened," Cougar whispers. They're so close his hips are grazing Jake's. Cougar lets go of Jake’s wrists, and Jake wants to look down and see what’s happening, but Cougar’s eyes are a mesmerising mahogany that he can’t look away from. Jake gasps when Cougar brushes his hand along Jake’s arm, a shiver racing down his spine.

Then Cougar _fucking_ pulls away and walks towards his bedroom. So Jake just sits there watching the lines of Cougar's back under the clinging t-shirt. Cougar stops by the door. "But we can. If you want."

Jake thinks of the slight curl of Cougar's hair as it reaches his neck, and how that thought is louder than everything else, and follows.

-

They don't touch until the door's well and locked behind them. Then Cougar smiles, grabs Jake by the neck and pulls him closer. Their bodies line up before their lips do.

It's awkward for the first few seconds until Jake gets the hang of kissing, and then it's fantastic. Cougar's moustache tickles his upper lip and Jake lets out a laugh. Cougar takes advantage of it and licks into Jake's mouth. The laugh turns into a gasp. He pulls at Cougar's shirt until he's running his hands up and over Cougar's nipples. Jake stops to pull at the dumbbells and Cougar bites his lips, which, okay yeah. Hot. How in the world had Jake forgotten about the piercings? It’s probably a good thing.

"For the record," Jake feels like this should be said in advance, "I hope you know what you're doing, Cougs. Because I don't."

Cougar pulls away to look Jake in the eye, lips curling into a smirk. "I do," he says, and pulls away to strip his shirt off in one fluid motion. Jake just watches, pleased he's allowed to. Cougar's built like a Greek god, all bronze skin stretched over hard muscle.

"Holy shit. You should have gone into porn, man," Jake blurts out. _Oh God let me die now. Why_ did his stupidity have to follow them into the bedroom? He's totally turning a yes into a no, he knows it.

But Cougar just laughs. "Your turn."

"Porn? Me? I don’t know man—"

" _Oh Dios_," Cougar mutters and pulls at Jake's shirt until he gets with the program. _Oh._ He takes the shirt off, holding his breath.

Jake knows it isn't pretty. This isn't the first time Cougar's seeing him shirtless, but it is the first time that Jake's not rushing to put clothes back on. Cougar doesn't get teary-eyed like Tony, or angry like Steve — not that Jake was expecting that. Nor does he look disgusted.

"Breathe,” Cougar urges; his fingers come up to touch the scars. He runs his fingers over the _ohana_ tattoo, the appendicitis scar, splays a hand over the cluster of cigarette burns.

"Sorry, I know it isn't all that pretty—" He's cut off by another kiss, this one slow and chaste. Cougar throws his arms over Jake’s shoulders and holds him close. Jake complies and reciprocates. He's new to kissing but hot damn, he could do it until kingdom come. Cougar's breath is warm against his mouth, and Jake focuses on that as Cougar pulls them towards the bed.

“Are you sure?” Cougar asks, pausing in front of the bed. “You can say no.”

“I don’t want to say no,” Jake tells him and kisses him in response.

_"Magnifico,"_ Cougar whispers as he presses Jake down on the bed and pulls his shorts and boxer briefs down together. Everything aches and Jake's covered in blue and black bruises, but he can't make himself care. Jake pulls himself up against the bed frame and watches as Cougar moves away.

“Are you sure you want this? It's okay if you want to stop,” Cougar tells him gently.

"Coug, I'm not a kid, now strip already."

Cougar smiles lopsidedly, and obeys. Cougar's all lean muscle and wiry sinew, and Jake's mesmerised by the grace of Cougar’s movements as he climbs into bed and straddles Jake.

_Fuck._ Jake jerks as Cougar rolls his hips, grinding down on Jake's cock. Cougar laughs and rolls his hips again, hands coming up to Jake's shoulders for stability. Jake doesn't know what to do with his own hands until Cougar grabs them and directs him to Cougar's ass.

They're chest to chest and hip to hip. Jake doesn't think they can get any closer until Cougar throws his legs around Jake's waist, and now Cougar's cock is rock hard and pressed against Jake's belly. He gasps again as Cougar rolls his hips.

"Tell me what you want." Cougar's voice is a deep timbre that reverberates in Jake’s ear. And oh good God, Jake wants, he wants so much but he doesn't know what to ask for, or what he even wants, just that he does.  

"I don't know," Jake finally gasps out. It's so very hard to concentrate when Cougar's moving so distractingly in his lap, with lips and teeth tracing his jaw line, heading down to his shoulder. "Just you."

Cougar stops, his lips pressed into a smile against Jake's shoulder. He pulls away after a moment before he brings his fingers up to Jake's lips. "Open," he orders and it's all of Jake's embarrassingly innocent fantasies come true. He sucks on the fingers, gets them slick. He has no idea where Cougar's going with this. But he trusts the man with his life — Jake can trust him with this. Cougar pulls his fingers out, throws his other arm over Jake’s shoulder and drags him into a wet, filthy kiss, even as he fists both of their cocks in his hand.

"Like this," Cougar groans into Jake’s mouth as he thrusts into his fist. Jake complies, moving his hips in time with Cougar's. Soon, control flies out the window and Jake doesn't remember how to kiss anymore, just gasps as Cougar does all the work, jerking them both off in a slowly accelerating pace. In the end, what sets him off is Cougar's chest against his — how the warm metal of the piercings brush against his own nipples.

When he comes back to reality, he finds Cougar pressed flush against him, both arms over Jake's shoulders as he holds himself dangerously still. “May I?” He asks, and Jake nods. Cougar bites his lip and lets go, thrusting wildly against the curve of Jake's hip. Cougar comes with a stifled groan and heels digging into Jake's back.

Cougar pushes Jake against the bed frame, and then rests his forehead on Jake's chest. His mop of ebony hair is damp with sweat and sticking out in every which direction. Jake absentmindedly pats it down, as Cougar shakes and shivers through the aftershocks.

"So I'm starting to get why people do stupid things for sex," Jake thinks aloud after the sweat cools. "I always figured, why bother? Isn't it enough to jerk off? Orgasm is orgasm right? Well, Jake Jensen zero, the rest of the world one."

Cougar says nothing, but he's close enough that Jake can feel the huffing breath of an aborted laugh.

"One thing I'm not a fan of, though, is the dried come. Cause like, man this is kind of gross, and it feels gross. I mean, it looks really hot in the beginning, in every sense of the word, since semen is the temperature of your internal body temperature, which is like 36.5 degrees Celsius, and please don't ask me about Fahrenheit, I went to a technical school — _we_ use the metric system. America is still stuck in the dark ages of unit measurement, am I right, or am I right?" Jake asks in an effort to catch his breath. Cougar gives him a fond smile and pulls away to grab something from the night table.

"Oh baby wipes! You're good," Jake says as Cougar wipes the gunk off of their skin. "I remember when we used them for Beth. That shit is really strong though, like, Jess spilled wine on the beige carpet and the wipes took it right off, which is kind of crazy because you use them on baby bums. Yeah, we switched to just tissues and water after that, because holy crap, that's Beth's little bum we're talking about here..."

Jake trails off, wondering if maybe he should head back to his room. How do these things work anyways? The uncertainty must be clear on his face, because Cougar pushes him down on the bed. He pulls off Jake's glasses, placing them on the bedside table.

Cougar pulls himself out of bed to turn off the lights, and then climbs back in besides Jake in bed.

"Tell me more about baby wipes." Cougar says, and Jake does.

 


	6. Six

Jake breathes in deeply. His internal clock tells him it's late morning, but he's so comfortable where he is, wrapped up in bedclothes that smell familiar and safe. Awareness takes a few minutes to catch up, and Jake sits up abruptly in bed, finding himself alone in Cougar's bedroom.

Okay, so they're pretending it didn't happen. Cool. Jake can do that. He sets to finding his clothes; he's pulling up his boxers when the door opens.

"I made you coffee," Cougar says as he enters. Oh, right. There's no one else here but them. Jake accepts it with thanks. Their fingers touch for a moment. It should be awkward — awkwardhappens to be Jake's default setting — but it feels natural. Guess they're not going to ignore last night’s events then. "We need to talk," Cougar says.

"Damn, break up speech and we're not even together," Jake says. Oh, eww. Why did he say that? He doesn't want a relationship with Cougar — they're best friends and that's most convenient for Jake.  

"You were upset last night,” Cougar says in a quiet voice. "Your consent —"

"Don't go there," Jake interrupts. "I said yes, and I meant it. I'm _not_ a kid, Cougar. And last night, it helped. So thanks. I got out of whatever funk I was in, and that's a good thing."

"You had a dissociative event, Jake. I've seen it before. I knew someone in infantry who had it."

"What happened to him?" Jake asks, leaning against the chest of drawers.

"He couldn't shake it. Got discharged."

A cold chill runs over Jake's body. Jake _can't_ get discharged, that cannot be him. He's finally found a job he loves, with people he loves. This is his place in the world, and he can't lose it now. Jake wants Beth to have everything she's ever dreamed—

Cougar's deft fingers wrap around Jake's wrist, bringing him back to reality.

"That will not happen to you," Cougar promises him.

But just because Jake kicked it this time around — with more than a little help from Cougar — doesn't mean he'll manage a second time.

"What if it happens again?" Jake asks, his fear not completely dissipated.

"I got your back," Cougar promises him, finally letting go of Jake’s wrist. "I'm going for a run. Breakfast is on the table."

"Thanks," Jake replies, then follows Cougar out of the bedroom. "Hey, Coug?"

Cougar turns back with a questioning look. "Sί?">

"It goes both ways. I got your back too."

-

In Brazil, Cougar takes a tumble down a cliff and loses his emerald rosary in the waterfall. Jake doesn't find out until later.

In the aftermath of the mission, Jake sits in his room typing up his debriefing report. Cougar's taking a hot shower — so hot the steam is sneaking into Jake's room from under the door. Jake finishes up the form and e-mails it. There. Mission complete. Now he can switch off. He texts Jess first to let her know he's home, and then heads to the bathroom to brush his teeth. Cougar and Jake have never bothered locking doors, even before they started sleeping together. There's no point to it. The military isn’t a place for shame.

Jake swishes the toothbrush around his mouth for a few minutes, and then rinses his face. Before heading back to his room and turning in for the night, he says, "Goodnight, Cougar."

There's no response. The water's still running, but no silhouette is to be seen through the curtain. "Cougar?"

Jake's question is met with more silence. He considers giving Cougar some space, but then decides against it. "Can I open the curtain?"

" _Sί."_ Jake barely hears the answer.

Jake slowly pulls the curtain aside. Cougar's sitting on the shower floor, bare knees pulled up to his chest. Cougar looks up at the sound with swollen, bloodshot eyes, and croaks out, _"Sólo déjame."_

"Sorry, no can do," Jake replies. He's promised to have Cougar's back and he fully intends to keep that promise. So that means staying when Cougar needs him, even if Cougar thinks he's fine on his own. "Are you done washing up?"

Cougar nods.

"How about we get out of here then? Get some clothes on you?" Jake asks. He steps out of the way to let Cougar out of the shower. It's when Cougar faces him that it finally hits Jake. The emerald rosary, the one that Cougar has always worn for as long as Jake's known him, is missing. Jake grabs the towel from the rack, wrapping it around Cougar's shoulders. Cougar shrugs it off and grabs Jake by the shirt instead, pressing his wet body up against Jake.

They never make it to bed — ending up on the floor just inside Cougar’s bedroom door, having stopped there to lock it. Jake’s rough hands and nimble fingers lead to Cougar's orgasm, and when Cougar tries to return the favour, Jake waves him away. He's got Cougar's back.

Afterwards, they lie in bed together, Jake talking in quiet tones until Cougar succumbs to sleep.

-

A few weeks later, Jess and Jake set off for New York with a groggy Beth in the back of their new car, the _Resilient_. Jess is testing the prototype car for Tony, who's invited them over for Thanksgiving. She has a notebook is in her lap — yep, an actual notebook — and is writing up notes for Christmas dinner. "You're being ridiculous, you know that, right?" Jake tells her. "It’s October.”

"Yeah, but Tony and Steve are coming for the whole week, and besides, I'm done gift shopping—"

" _Seriously?"_

"Yeah. By the way, we need to turn the empty basement rooms into actual bedrooms,” Jess reminds him. “You promised to fix up the beds at least. We bought the furniture and haven't built any of it. The upstairs guest room is fine for Tony and Steve but if Rhodey actually makes it, we're going to need them.”

"I know, I'll do it as soon as I get a weekend off," Jake says. They're IKEA beds, how difficult can it be?

"Jake?"

"Yeah?"

"What's the rest of your team doing for Christmas?" Jess asks. Jake pushes his glasses higher on his nose and thinks.

"Clay said something about going to Canada to meet a friend. Roque's... I don't know, but I know he's not home. Pooch's with Jolene and the family and Coug... Huh."

"If he's spending it alone on base, call him and tell him he's free to join us. No wait—" Jess rummages for her phone. "I'll text him."

"Okay, _why_ do you have Cougar's number?" Jake feels compelled to ask, because Jess is a texting fiend who particularly loves chain texts. It’s one thing to sic those on Jake; it’s his job as a member of her family to endure them. But Cougar? No, Cougar doesn’t deserve that.

"He gave it to me, back when you all came over for dinner. He doesn't like puns." Jess mourns.

"I know, it's awful." They contemplate the tragedy of Cougar's dislike of puns while Jake takes the next exit.

A few minutes later, Jess’s phone beeps and she picks it up from her lap. "He wants to make sure it's okay with you."

"Yeah, tell him it's fine."

A few minutes later, Jess' phone rings. "Carlos?" Jess asks. "Hmm. Sure." She holds the phone out to Jake’s ear.

"Cougar, what’s up?”

" _Ola._ How is the drive?"

"Long — my back hurts. I think I'm getting old."

"You _think_?" And _oh_ what Jake would do to be able to kiss Cougar just to shut him up.  

"Jensen, I am very grateful. But Christmas is for family. I don’t want to intrude.”

"Good, so you're coming, then. Mark him down for no blueberries, Jess, he's allergic—"

"Jake—"

"You're not intruding, you're family. It'll be awesome. Promise."

"Okay," Cougar says slowly. " _Gracias._ See you soon."

" _Adios!"_ Jake says, exaggerating his American accent.

It has its intended effect, making Cougar laugh. " _Adios,_ Jensen."

-

The Losers are in Chile when a glint of glimmering scarlet catches Jake's eye.

-

It's five days before Christmas.

Cougar's crashing on Jess' couch because Jake totally forgot he was supposed to fix up the basement guest rooms. Thankfully, Cougar intervenes before Jess pulls out her Death Stare again, promising to have them done before everyone else shows up. See, Cougar's _awesome._

-

They don't mean to fuck in the house.  

In fact, Jake had promised himself he wouldn't. Then Jess takes Beth shopping, and they're in a practically soundproof basement. Cougar's all tawny and sweaty, and Jake can't help pushing him onto the mattress. There's a moment when Jake thinks Cougar will push him off, but instead he smirks and pulls Jake in for a chaste kiss. Jake tries to deepen it but Cougar declines, tugging at his lower lip with teeth before pulling away. Cougar's hand comes up to take off Jake's glasses. He places them on the bedside table, on the brim of Cougar’s hat.

Sexy times are usually saved for shitty ass missions and bad days — or nights — but this is different. This is pure desire. Cougar's looser, less restrained. Jake has not had sex in three months — he's not counting or anything. It's probably less for Cougar, since they're not exclusive. Not that Jake's been with anyone else. Either way, Jake is _desperate_ for Cougar's touch, especially considering how Cougar's taking his time today.

Jake's no expert, but he would bet his life that the sexiest thing in the world is Cougar straddling him while working himself open. Jake would have lost that bet right afterwards, because the notoriously slow slide of Cougar sinking down on Jake's cock beats it. Watching Cougar move above him is captivating, addicting even. The very sight of Cougar leaves Jake light-headed.

Cougar knows what he's doing, and more importantly, what he's doing to Jake. He fixes Jake with a slight grin before rolling his hips and somehow sinking even deeper. Cougar bows his head, and all Jake sees is a mop of raven hair. Jake tucks the locks behind Cougar's ears, but it comes back, hiding Cougar from him again. Then Cougar starts moving, first slowly, as if it's been a while. He picks up the pace, until Jake's uncontrollably thrusting his hips up to meet Cougar.

"Jake _. Jake,"_ Cougar groans at that, and Jake realises how badly he wants to see his name forming on Cougar's lips. He reaches up again, pushes the hair back, and this time tugs Cougar down so he can see him better. Cougar captures his mouth instead and Jake kisses back fervently, his arms wrapping around Cougar without second thought, his fingers digging into Cougar’s shoulders.

Jake comes first, he can’t last with the way Cougar’s so tight around him. When Jake comes back to himself, he winces and is about to apologise when he catches Cougar’s eyes. He looks so damn proud of himself, until Jake flips them over. Half a minute to dispose of the condom and slick up his fingers, and then Cougar’s smirk is replaced with a low groan as Jake presses three fingers into Cougar, finding his prostate in one practiced go. Cougar comes untouched, clenching around Jake’s fingers, his whole body twitching.

In the aftermath, they lie there together in a sweaty heap of limbs. All Jake can think is that there's no place he'd rather be than right here.

-

They're still not done with the beds by the time Beth finds them.

"You're both _very_ slow," Beth says before going back up the stairs. "I forgive you. _Tio_ Carlos, you can come upstairs and have the sandwiches mommy made."

"What about me?" Jake asks.

"You stink!" Beth answers. "Go shower first!"

"So does Carlos!"

"But _he's tio_ Carlos!" Beth yells from upstairs. Cougar looks at where she'd been standing, eyebrows furrowing in surprise.

"Maybe if you ask nicely, he will bring you sandwiches,” Cougar says.

"It's over," Jake mourns. "She officially loves you more."

-

The days that follow pass quickly. Beth has school holidays, so they spend many hours a day running after her in the snow. Cougar has a sweet spot for Beth, so he forgives her throwing snow at him, but immediately declares war on Jake when he tries the same shtick. The games always end with Beth and Cougar teaming up against him, but Jake's fine with it. He loves watching Beth when they win — she giggles and giggles, her cheeks rosy and her eyes bright.

Once, when Jake collapses in the snow in defeat, she climbs over him, throws her arms over his shoulders and says, "I'm glad you're here. I missed you _so_ much, Uncle Jake."

Jake pulls himself up and takes her along with him, her nose digging into his scarf. "I've missed you too, Bethie-Beth," Jake croaks back, suddenly overcome with emotion.

When Jake turns to walk toward the open garage door, he sees Cougar watching them with a half-smile gracing his face. Cougar tilts his head towards the house, asking silently if they should go back in, and Jake nods back in agreement, not sure he can speak just yet. They follow Cougar into the garage, stripping off their winter wear before walking up the stairs into the hall.

Jake drags Beth off for a quick bath. When they come back down, Cougar's making hot chocolate on the stove. He's fresh from the shower, donning a loose army t-shirt — actually, that one might belong to Jake — with sweatpants riding low on his hips. Water trickles down from his damp hair to his bronze neck. Jake picks up Beth and deposits her on the breakfast bar, trying to focus on his niece — now is really not the time to be distracted by annoyingly attractive men.

"Hey," Jake says, voice raspy. Cougar turns to look at him, understanding dawning on his face, and smirks.  

Cougar pours some of the hot chocolate into Beth's plastic mug and hands it to her. Jake turns to go back up the stairs, "I'm going to jump in the shower."

A warm hand on his wrist stops him. Jake stays still, the response Pavlovian by now. Cougar leans in, mouth millimetres from Jake's ear, and whispers, "Enjoy."

Jake gulps and tries to remember how to do the whole breathing thing.

Fucking asshole.

-

When Jake comes back downstairs, he's calmer and also sleepier — orgasms happen to make him drowsy. Cougar and Beth are watching _Lilo & Stitch _in the living room. Well, more accurately, Cougar is watching it while Beth snuggles into his chest, fast asleep with his hat on her head. For a man who pushed Pooch out of a boat for touching it, Cougar sure lets Beth wear the hat an awful lot. Cougar has an arm thrown protectively around Beth. Jake swallows the lump in his throat and ignores the feeling in his belly — the same one he gets when he gets to talk to Jess after a long mission, or when Tony and him spend long-missed time together.  

Jake's a pop culture junkie. The first time he’d watched _Lilo & Stitch _with Jess and Tony, and unborn Beth, and he’s never seen it with anyone else. Out of all the movies, television shows and YouTubers he's forced the Losers to watch, _Lilo & Stitch _has never come up, because that's for his family.

The Losers are his family too, his second family, to which Cougar belongs. Yet here he is, sitting with part of Jake's first family, fitting in like a long lost puzzle piece.

The idea of the other Losers watching _Lilo & Stitch_ with Jake makes his skin crawl a little. But Cougar, with Beth in his arms and his feet up on the coffee table — Jess is going to Death Stare him the moment she comes home, sniper ninja or not — belongs here.

He's brought out of his mind by Cougar who looks up and catches Jake, frozen in the doorway like a peeping Tom. Cougar smiles at him, pointing with one hand to the thermos on the coffee table.

"Thanks, Cougs." Jake sits down beside him on the couch, careful not to wake up Beth.

It's only four pm. Jess is studying at the library because the three of them are too loud, even when she's shut inside her home office. Still, Jake keeps a good five inches of space between Cougar and himself. Jess will come home in an hour or so, and she reads into everything. But then again, how many times has Jess come home to find Jake and Tony asleep and cuddling on the same bed?

There's a sudden weight on his shoulder and Jake looks over to find Cougar's free arm wrapped around him. Cougar gives him a look Jake can read clear as day. "Okay, I get it, I get it. Stop overthinking it."

Cougar presses his palm flat against his shoulder and Jake relaxes. He leans back on the couch and takes a huge gulp of hot chocolate.

And moans.

Cougar won't tell anyone exactly what's in the recipe — which is fine because Jake doesn't have the patience to wait over a stove for milk to simmer or whatever it is you do while making hot chocolate. All he knows is that it smells like Cougar's grandmother's house did. The remembrance makes Cougar smile more often than frown these days — a fact for which Jake is grateful.  

-

Tony and Steve arrive early on Christmas Eve with the usual aplomb, bearing outrageously large gifts and a holographic Christmas tree. ("What? You said no tree! Where do you see flora, Jessica? Where?") Jake and Steve carry the suitcases up to the guest room — there's no point in arguing with Steve about these things, never mind that the suitcases are a good two-thirds his weight. When they return downstairs, it's to find Tony and Beth designing ornaments for the Not-A-Tree, just as Cougar comes back from his morning jog.

"So, this is my replacement then?" Tony demands, waving at Cougar with indignation.

"Tony!" Steve looks scandalised. Tony shrugs.

"Tony, this is Carlos," Jake says, hoping to avoid a civil war. "Cougs, this is Tony—"

"Well at least you're good looking,” Tony interrupts. “I can work with that. Like, a less hot version of me. Who is a sniper. With a moustache. Moustaches are cool. That doesn't mean you check out, moustache sniper! I got my eye on you." Jake winces and looks up at Cougar, who gives him an indulging smile. Well, that's good.

"Tony, be nice," Steve says from behind Jake. He holds out a hand towards Cougar, who takes it. "I'm Steve. Tony's less insane half. It's great to finally meet you, we've heard so much about you from Jake — and Beth, of course."

"Well, I talk about the others too," Jake interjects, but it goes unheard.

"Carlos." Cougar answers with a small smile.

"You're a quiet one aren't you?" Tony asks from the ground, then immediately turns his attention back to Beth. "What do you think, red and gold ornaments?" Before she can answer, the tree lights up in Tony's favourite colours. It looks pretty awesome, Jake has to admit.

"Where would he even get the chance to sneak in a word between you and Jake?" They all turn their heads towards the kitchen, where Jess stands with her hands on her hips. "I could use some help. And Bethany Jacqueline, why are you still in your pyjamas?"

Beth runs off to her bedroom as Cougar and Steve follow Jess into the kitchen.

"Is it just me, or she getting more terrifying each year?" Tony asks. Jake comes to take Beth's place beside Tony, and peers at the laptop where Tony is coding.

"Nope, it's not just you. She's got the number one sniper in the Special Forces scared of her."

"Damn. And I was starting to like him. Call me for the funeral."

"You're an idiot."

"Well, you're an iPhone."

Then with a few shoves and insults, things are just the way they were before, as if it had only been hours since they last saw each other, not months.

-

Christmas morning is cold and sunny — a whole new layer of snow covers the tracks everyone had made running after each other the day before. Jake's hopes of sleeping in come to a screeching halt when Beth unsuccessfully sneaks into his room. He's wide awake the moment the doorknob turns, but still pretends to sleep until Beth jumps on his bed and shouts, "Wake up! Uncle Jake! It's Christmas!"

He jolts up, toppling her onto his legs. "What? Christmas? Already? No way!”

"Yes way! Let's go wake everyone up. I want presents!" Beth squeals as Jake picks her up and throws her over his shoulder.

"Good morning." Jake jolts for real this time. How many years of training and experience will it take before Jake can keep track of Cougar?

"He was already up," Beth says.

Jake swats at him until he steps away from the doorway, and they head for the living room. Cougar’s wearing a plain white shirt and the hat is nowhere to be seen. Black hair is twisted into a bun at the back of his head, exposing the line of his neck. Goosebumps dot the skin because it's early and the timed heating is set low. Jake himself would shiver, but he's spent too many Massachusetts winters with broken heating to feel the cold anymore. Jake brings his free hand up to warm up Cougar’s exposed skin and—

"Put me down!" Beth demands and Jake drops his hand. _That is not friend territory, Jacob Jensen,_ he tells himself before setting Beth on the ground. _Focus on other things._

Waking Steve is easy enough, but Tony doesn't respond to anything. "Uncle Jake, is he dead?" Beth asks, lower lip trembling, and Tony swats at her. Idiot. Now that she knows he’s awake, Beth pounces on him. Steve laughs the whole way out of bed, blowing Tony a kiss before ushering Cougar and Jake towards the door.

They leave Beth with Tony and head down the stairs together, finding Jess on the couch with a cup of coffee warming her hands. "Gentlemen. There's coffee in the carafe."

“Your progeny is worse than basic," Jake says, forgoing coffee to cuddle up next to Jess instead. She wraps the well-worn blanket around his shoulders and presses her coffee mug against his cheek.

"If you get up earlier than her, she can't shock you awake," Jess says.

"You ask too much of me," Jake mumbles before reaching for her mug. She swats his hand away.

"I said there was coffee in the carafe, not that you could have mine. Lucky for you, Carlos is here to spoil you rotten," Jess says, looking behind him. Jake turns his head to find Cougar with two mugs in his hands, holding one out to him. Jake fumbles until he's got his fingers around the mug, and gulps down half of the coffee in one go.

"Thank you very much, kind sir." Jake half-salutes him before holding the coffee close. He pats the cushion beside him and Cougar complies, slinking into the seat with ingrained grace. The couch is big, but not big enough to leave extra space when three people are sitting down, so Jake's squished in between Jess and Cougar. It's a sanctuary that has Jake fighting to stay awake.

"Breakfast?" Jess asks as Steve comes back from the kitchen with a mug of what smells like verbena.

"No! Presents!" Beth squeals from the stairs. She’s pulling a zombified Tony by the hand. "Please, mommy? Presents?"

"Okay okay, bumblebee, presents then," Jess allows with a smile. Beth runs to the pile of presents under the tree. They'd made the decision to have everyone get one present for Beth, and for Beth to get something for everyone. So on one side of the holograph, there is a pile of identically wrapped, same-sized gifts, and on the other, presents in all sorts of shapes.

"First you guys!" Beth runs around, distributing everyone's presents. Jake and Tony tear into the paper, but the others are gentler. Jake can't help the squeal that escapes his mouth when he sees what his present is: a handmade mug with wobbly letters spelling out "World's Best Superhero Sidekick" in bright neon green. Jake pulls Beth from Jess's arms to give her a hug of his own.

When he lets go to look at the others, he finds Tony and Steve sharing near identical mugs that say “World's Best Uncle” in red and blue respectively. Beside him, Cougar is silent and still, cradling the mug in his lap. "World's Best _Tio_ ", it proclaims.

Jake can't help placing a reassuring palm at the small of his back. Cougar presses up against it even as he pulls Beth close for a hug.

-

Jake takes the package down to the basement long after everyone's gone to bed. The light's still on so Cougar's definitely awake, but Jake's not sure if he should knock or just go back up. In the end, Cougar makes the decision for him by opening the door. He tilts his head a little to the side, asking, _how long are you planning to stand there for?_ and then moves out of the way.

Jake walks in, hugging the little package to his chest. "Okay, I know I said no presents, but I got this for you just because and really, you don't owe me anything, so don't feel bad. Just consider it as thank you for being willing to spend Christmas with my crazy gang of a family."

Jake looks up to face Cougar, holding out the small package. Looking at it under the bright light of the ceiling lamp, Jake thinks he could have done a better job of wrapping it. Cougar silently takes it and carefully pulls apart the paper like it's something precious. He lifts the lid off of the velvet box and freezes.

For a long moment, Jake's consider the fastest and safest path out of the room, but then Cougar pulls out the red rosary and puts it on with a wobbly smile, and Jake remembers to breathe again. Cougar tucks the rosary under his shirt and pulls Jake in for a hug. Jake returns the embrace.

" _Gracias_ , Jake." Cougar pulls away rather quickly, placing an arm on his neck, and leans in. Jake follows naturally, but then right before their lips touch, close enough that Jake can smell the mint fresh of Cougar's toothpaste, Cougar pulls away.

"We cannot," Cougar explains, before Jake can even ask. "Too risky."

Right. Too many people in the house. Though to be honest, Jake doesn’t want sex right now, he’d happily settle for a gentle kiss or two. Then Jake wipes _that_ dangerous thought from his head and moves on. Being in this house with Cougar is really wearing on his self-control. Their apartment is home too, but here, there’s no reminder of the military, nor of their jobs. Kissing always leads to sex with them, and they can't. It's one thing to fool around when they have the house to themselves, but like this, the chance of being found out is too great.

"True that," Jake says, pushing his glasses higher. He bids Cougar good night and heads back up.

The light in his bedroom is on, and when he opens the door, he finds Tony sprawled on his bed.

"You're in the wrong bedroom, man," Jake tells him mildly. "Yours is, you know, the one with your boyfriend in it?"

"If that's how we're defining bedrooms, yours would be in the basement," Tony drawls.

Has Jake been that obvious? Had they given themselves away to the Losers already and just not realised? "I don't know what you're talking about.”

"Seriously? Don't play this dumb game with me, you're crushing like a hippo—”

"I _am_ not, and I never—"

"Tony?" Steve calls from the guest bedroom.

"I'm coming!" Tony pushes himself off the bed. "Can't you just tell me what's going on with the two of you? Cause it's adorable. I want to throw flowers petals around the two of you and play Taylor Swift in the background. Come on, it's _me_ asking."

Jake doesn't want to lie to his best friend. This is Tony, who lives his life surrounded by plastic smiles and fake promises. Jake's supposed to be one of the select few who are true to Tony, but the words don't come. It's not just his secret to tell — it's Cougar's too.

But before Jake thinks of something to say, Steve interrupts, knocking on the open door. "Tony, we should go to bed if we want to get an early start home tomorrow."

''Steven, my best friend won't tell me what's going on between him and hot army dude—"

"Tony, no." Steve walks towards Tony and grabs him by the arm. "Bedtime now."

"But—" Steve levels him with one of those secret telepathic relationship-looks and Tony relents.

"Good night, cassette player."

"That's not an insult, Walkmans are cool," Steve replies, dragging Tony out. "Sorry, Jake. You know Tony can't let things go. Good night."

Jake grins as relief floods him. "No worries.And Walkmans _are_ cool. Good night, Steve. Good night, MacBook." No one understands Tony's hate for Apple the way Jake does.

"You know what Jake? Fuck you, fuck you very, very much," Tony calls from the hallway, even as he follows Steve into their bedroom. Jake doesn't reply to that — since Jess will get on Tony's ass sooner rather than later for shouting profanities less than ten feet away from Beth's bedroom.

Jake closes his door before collapsing on his bed. He grabs his pillow and buries his face in it. This is as close to screaming into his pillow as Jake can get to without drawing attention to himself.

Jake's not one to overshare things about his personal life, despite how much he can ramble. If there was anything he'd learned from his farce of a childhood, it's that the safest thing to do is almost always to hide. But there's a difference in hiding things and lying to his best friend and family.

On the other hand, Jake thinks, what is there to tell, anyway? That they fuck when their jobs become too much for them? Jake's never felt so in tune with someone since Tony, but that's all it is. Cougar's his best friend, and sometimes they sleep together. If there was something even remotely resembling a relationship there, he would have told Jess by now. He wouldn’t hide important things from Jess, no matter what the military orders. Jake knows where his loyalties lie.  

But that's just not the case. The important thing here is that Cougar is his best friend, and everyone who matters knows that. Honestly, the tiny detail that they also have sex every once in a while isn't a fact the others need to know.

If only Jake can make himself believe that too, so he wouldn’t have to feel so guilty about it.

-

As fate would have it, Cougar and Jake don’t get another chance to sleep together after they return to base. The Losers are sent on mission after mission, and they're a well-oiled machine now. Yes, they do have difficult, fucked-up missions, but that's the whole point of the Losers. Jake's used to them by now, even enjoys watching Cougar put bullets in the brains of assholes who have gotten rich through human trafficking and drug distribution.

Jake doesn't even care, _really._ Cougar and Jake are still best friends. They still spend hours in the same room together, Jake on his laptop and Cougar reading. Cougar's family by now; he buys things in foreign countries for Beth and Jess, something only Jake, Tony, and to some extent, Rhodey has ever done before. He's one of them now. There’s a glass pony on Beth’s boudoir that cements the sentiment.

Near the one year anniversary of Cougar's _abuela's_ passing, Cougar asks Jake to run an errand with him. Jake's too distracted by his new phone to realise where they're going until Cougar parks the sedan. It's the same tattoo studio where Jake got his _ohana_ tattoo with Jess. This clearly isn’t Cougar’s first visit, since the receptionist knows him, but Jake knows for a fact that Cougar has no tattoos on his body, and Jake's searched rather thoroughly if he says so himself. The receptionist directs Cougar to one of the rooms, and he beckons Jake to follow.

"Talk to me," Cougar demands, the second the needle touches his skin. So Jake sits across from Cougar and talks and talks as the artist inks the Sacred Heart over Cougar’s heart.

When they come home after that, they're alone, so they settle together on the sofa. Jake has lots of things in the DVR ready to go, so he chooses something familiar and lets it run while Cougar lies with his back on the couch, his legs crossed and resting in Jake's lap.

Hours later, Jake wakes up, looking blearily at the crown of Cougar's head. Cougar's fast asleep, in a way that he rarely is, and he cuddles closer to Jake, his hands tucked in between their bodies. Jake unthinkingly presses a kiss against Cougar's hair, then closes his eyes again. He won’t remember what he’s done the next morning, only one fleeting thought will remain. That there truly is no place else he’d rather be.

-

It’s their next mission when the Jensen Luck strikes, and Jake watches a helicopter full of children crash into the forest along with his heart, and Jake's life as he knows it ends.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So[ mific](http://archiveofourown.org/users/mific/pseuds/mific) did a gorgeous art complement for the scene where [Cougar's on the couch with Bethie](http://archiveofourown.org/works/4829711), so please do go and leave them some kudos and comments!


	7. Seven

_Day ninety-one._

Jake crosses off another box on the hotel room calendar. Three months isn't long enough to dull the memories of the burning helicopter — not the smell, not the smoke in the air blurring Jake's vision. It doesn't make dull the heat of Jake's tears on his cheeks, or the throbbing pain in his chest after throwing his dog tags into the wreckage.

A ping from his laptop brings Jake out of his reverie. It's Jess again.

Clay had ordered them to lay low, to not let anyone find out they'd survived, and Jake had obeyed. He had discussed with JARVIS, who, understanding the danger Tony could be put into, had agreed to dormancy before they reached anywhere with internet capability. He's still kept all his secret channels open. Jess floods them day after day after day with messages. She's in shock, Jake realises. She's not ready to believe the lie the military had fed her.

Jake won't reply, but he feels obliged to read them despite how deeply each word cuts through flesh and heads for his heart. His family's hurting, it only seems right Jake feels the weight of it as well. He heads back to the desk to have a look at his laptop screen.

_Please, give me a sign that you are safe and sound,_ it says, white letters against the blue of the chat window. Jake slams his laptop shut with more force than necessary. Then he apologises. It's not Kaylee’s fault.

Walking away from the calendar, Jake decides to go out. He's spent all day at the doll factory and he just can't stay around in his room and mope all evening. Clay and Roque have their drunken brawls and their cockfights, but Jake never joins them. He doesn't have the constitution to watch either event unfold. Instead, when he can — when Jake's been paid because he's not supposed to touch his cards — he grabs Pooch and Cougar and heads out. Alcohol isn't a choice for him, but he still buys them a round, getting a Pepsi for himself. Now there's a true travesty: Bolivia's not a Coca Cola country.

Cougar's curled up in bed, but Jake wheedles him into coming along, and they head over to Pooch and Roque's hotel room. They walk slowly, letting the flow of the street direct their speed, and find themselves in a bar they've become patrons of.

Jake orders dinner for the three of them. Pooch is a stress eater, and Jake likes buying food for people. But it's Cougar that worries him. Jake's not sure he's ever seen Cougar buy food for himself, let alone eating unless it's something Jake coaxes into him.   

Everyone and their mother hit on Pooch despite the ring around his neck, but the man has no eyes for them. He spends every waking moment worrying about pregnant Jolene, who's got no one to help her. Jake can't even get access to the doctor's notes because they’re saved on a local server.

Cougar almost never speaks — not that he was much of a talker before — but now Jake goes days without hearing a single word from his lips. And yet, women slink up to him the moment they can encounter him alone, and they disappear together for a few hours.

After DADT is repealed, Cougar finally allows a man to lead him out of the bar.

Cougar's sneaky about it — Pooch doesn't even notice — but Jake does. He doesn't mean to, but it's become a habit to keep Cougar in his sights whenever they're out. To make sure Cougar's eating, drinking enough water, taking care of himself. Because lately, he hasn't.

A long time ago, Jake had been convinced of Cougar's invincibility. Fooled himself, more like. Jake's always thought of how lucky he is to have giants for best friends, but only now does he see that they're only human. Cougar is but a man. A remarkable man whose presence Jake is honoured to appreciate, but still just a man.

Cougar hurts. Cougar forgets to eat, forgets to drink, forgets to move from his bed unless Jake reminds him they need to go to work. Cougar still works precisely, his job is done well, but not a glimpse of his natural grace is to be seen.

Cougar leads his men and women out of bars and into secret places, but he always comes home looking worse than ever before.

Jake's not much better.

It's not that Jake doesn't get his fair share of suitors. There are the few men and women who find Jake's rather embarrassing grasp of their language charming. They are the few who don't mind that Jake can't hold a conversation in Spanish unless it's to do with weapons, technology, or military slang. And Jake is tempted —oh boy, is he tempted — but he knows that casual sex with strangers isn't going to give him what he wants.

He knows know why it worked with Cougar so far. It wasn't the sex but the intimacy that pulled Jake out of his fever dreams and waking nightmares. Cougar is his best friend — that is a connection that makes it easy to let go and let Cougar take over. Yes, it's obviously aromantic, but Cougar calms Jake, clarifies his world and brings him back to himself, and Jake knows it's not something he will find in a stranger.

On the upside, at least Roque can't kick him out of the team anymore.

So Jake waits until Cougar's found himself a distraction — a stunning man with the most ridiculous shoulder-to-hip ratio — and stands up to go pay his tab.

-

Ten minutes later, Pooch is snoring in his hotel room across the hall, and Jake's waiting for sleep, but he's probably going to be stood up again. From the nightstand, his laptop pings, and Jake finds a flurry of messages from Jess. He drags the laptop into bed.

_This isn't funny anymore._

_Come home already._

_I miss you._

_Beth misses you._

_I miss you too,_ Jake types. _More than you can imagine. I miss your voice, and your horrible cooking. I miss your smiles and your strength. I miss being a child, knowing you'd keep me safe from everything._ Jake deletes the whole thing.

He pulls up his video gallery and plays them one by one. Beth's first steps. The Happy Birthday video they'd sent him when he'd been deployed, a mix of three different feeds: Tony, Steve and Bucky in one, Rhodey and Carol in another, and Jess and Beth in the final.

He can't look at them anymore.

Jake turns the laptop screen to face the wall, and lets the videos keep playing.

Listening to the familiar voices make his insides ache.

The door creaks open a little while later, and Cougar comes in, hair tousled and clothes rumpled. He doesn't acknowledge Jake, heading straight to the bathroom. Soon, the pitter-patter of water hitting porcelain joins Steve's off-key singing.  

There's shuffling around Jake, and then the bed dips. He doesn't need to turn around to know that Cougar's right up against the edge of the bed, as far away from Jake as possible.  Some days, Jake wonders if Cougar's left his heart and mind in the jungle, if this hollow thing in his bed is anything but a badly made replica of his best friend. Jake closes his eyes, pretends he can feel the warmth of Cougar despite the valley between them on the bed, and prays for sleep.

-

The first night at the hotel, Jake had felt so broken, so lost, that he'd turned to Cougar asking for comfort. But Cougar had simply stared back at him lifelessly, curled up in the foetal position on the side of the bed farthest from Jake. Instantly, Jake had felt awful — how dare he demand Cougar take care of him when Cougar himself was hurting? So Jake had tried to take the initiative — he had promised to have Cougar's back, after all — but Cougar had shied away, bringing his hands up in defence. Confused, Jake had pulled away, climbing out of bed to go sit on the windowsill, feet dangling out of the building. Cougar had stayed at the foot of the bed, shoulders bowed in grief.

-

_Day ninety-nine._

It's all his fault. Jake had called it in, given the very coordinates to Max — whoever the fuck he was — and cost them twenty-five innocent lives, and five less innocent ones.

Cougar suffers, silently and wretchedly, because of Jake and Jake alone. Jake can't ask for forgiveness, he doesn't deserve it. But night after night of sharing a room with Cougar and seeing this is getting to Jake, and he needs to make things right. So he makes up his mind, and goes digging into information on Max.  

He doesn't tell Clay, because Clay's their leader, and he’ll want to be the one to get them home, which is fine, but Jake can't wait around for Clay to get his act together, so he just does it. Jake would mention it to Roque, but Roque's become even more short-tempered since Max fucked them over. Jake trusts Roque by now, the wariness from the first few months in their relationship is gone, but that still doesn't mean he's going to go poke a velociraptor with a stick.

Except, the thing is, Jake has full access to the CIA, the NSA, all military divisions, _and_ Homeland Security. There's no mention of Max. Jake would search further, but he has nothing. And he can't use JARVIS to expand his grid. A week later, Jake sets up an alert system in case something pops up, and stops looking.

_-_

_Day one hundred._

The chat window goes silent for the first time in ninety-nine days.

-

It's better this way, Jake tells himself; it's high time Jess gives up. Jake ignores the uneasy feeling in his stomach. He gets dressed, and meets Cougar in the hotel lobby so they can walk to work. Cougar waits for Jake to buy himself a breakfast humita, and then reluctantly accepts the one Jake buys for him.

Juanita, the floor manager, kisses Cougar right on the mouth the moment they walk in, and Jake looks away because he doesn't want to look like a creep. It's completely innocent, she's happily married, but this is Bolivia and apparently mouth kissing is a thing. Except for when it comes to Jake, but hey, he gets that. He's not sure he wants to be kissing all the ladies at the doll factory.

The doll making isn't so bad. Yes, it's mind numbingly boring, but it gives his jittery hands something to do.

Juanita is checking on the workers, with baby Pepito wrapped in a sling, fast asleep at her breast. It reminds Jake of the bright blue sling Jess used to carry Beth in—

Jake stumbles out of his chair, mumbles some excuse to Cougar about needing a bathroom break, and locks himself in the single toilet.

Jess believes Jake is dead.

Jess has given up hope. And if his big sister, who'd been bold enough to dream of MIT for Jake in that old apartment, who'd held on to that hope through all the sweat and blood, had given up hope now, then how can Jake go on? How is Jake supposed to hope for a way back home when home had already decided he wasn't coming back?

The concrete floor meets Jake's knees suddenly; he pushes his fist against his mouth, biting down on his knuckles to choke down the sobs that stubbornly rise up his throat.

Jake and Jess against the world, that had been their universal truth. Until Jake had gone and destroyed it. No wonder Jess stopped believing.

There's nothing left now. No hope, no family, no going back.

No ohana.

Jake takes Spidey out of his pocket. The old, beat-up toy stares back at Jake, reminding him of that first treat atMcDonald's _._ Jess had sat there eating her pitiful fries, tears in her eyes and smiling at Jake. He remembers smiling back, revealing a mouth full of chicken nuggets and making Jess crack up. They'd been young and broke and terrified of what the future held for them, but they'd had each other — they'd had hope.

The red and blue mask stares at him, selling him a lie. He can't look at it anymore, because the hope isn't there, maybe it never was. Maybe he’d always been alone and not known it. Jake throws the toy. Spidey swings through the air in a perfect arc, and lands in the wastebasket.

_Goodbye, Jensen Luck_ , Jake thinks, and then laughs at the absurd thought. The sound comes out hollow.

Three sharp knocks has Jake right back up on his feet.

" _Un momento!"_ he calls out, and then immediately regrets the cracking of his voice.  Gossip moves fast around the factory

"Jake?" Cougar's voice shocks Jake into stillness. Here is the last person he'd ever await at the door. Jake hadn't expected Cougar to even notice that he'd left.

"Hold on, I'm okay. Give me a minute," Jake calls out again while running the water. He splashes his face and wipes himself dry with his shirt. There's no mirror, so Jake has no idea if his face is going to give away the fact that he was crying.

Jake opens the door to find Cougar looking up at him with worry. He pastes on the brightest smile he can and rubs at his throat. "Damn, those humitas we had for breakfast were something awful."

Cougar looks intently at him.

"I'm fine, really. Much better. Let's get to work before Juanita finds us both missing." Jake waits for Cougar to move out of the way, he doesn't want to push past Cougar, can't watch him flinch away from Jake again.

After a pause, Cougar indulges him and moves out of the doorway.  

-

Jake stops crossing days off on the calendar. He has nothing to count down to anymore.

-

Bad luck may come in threes, that's probably true. First, Max happens, then there's Cougar's withdrawal, and now Jess has given up.

But maybe good luck comes in threes too.

-

Jake twists and turns in bed for the third night in a row, feeling uncomfortable without the plastic toy poking at him. The alarm clock tells him, _it's four am, sleep already_ , but his brain tells the device to go fuck itself. He considers calling Tony up and gaming, and sits up in bed. Then slumps right back down. That’s no longer an option.

Cougar's also awake. At least that's not directly Jake's fault.

Cougar rarely sleeps. When he does, it's for short periods, and then he wakes up gasping, clawing out of bed and onto his knees. Jake has more than once woken up from his own nightmares to find Cougar on the floor, head bowed and shoulders shaking. But he doesn't dare go near Cougar again. It’s glaringly obvious that Cougar neither wants nor needs Jake's comfort.  After a few hours, Cougar will calm himself, sitting on the windowsill for a while before making another attempt at sleep.

Tonight so far, Cougar's coming to the end of round two of this vicious sleep cycle. His back is pressed up against the window frame and his legs are stretched out in front of him. Jake can see his fine-boned toes, and hates how vulnerable it makes Cougar look. The town lights up his profile from behind.

Jake catches Cougar's eye by accident, really. Jake reacts too little too late — only manages to cover up his weakness a fraction of a second after — but Cougar sees anyway. Jake turns around in bed to the wall, gulping down the guilt at Cougar catching Jake’s lie. Cougar’s suffering enough, he doesn’t need Jake’s feelings of guilt over the incident as well.

The bed creaks as Cougar joins him. Then there's a small tug on his t-shirt from behind, the ghost of fingers against his back. Jake stays stock still, afraid he'll scare Cougar away somehow.

_"Cálmate,"_ Cougar whispers, his voice hoarse from disuse. Jake takes a deep breath and relaxes. Their connection is finer than silk thread, but its presence settles Jake. They’re not skin to skin, but Cougar’s grip on the t-shirt is tight. His voice is determined if a little broken, as he slowly whispers to Jake in Spanish.

Somewhere in between the non-touch and Cougar’s barely audible words, Jake falls asleep.

-

That's the first good thing.

Every night, Cougar inches closer, until a week into it, his palm presses up against Jake's back. Jake wonders if Cougar can feel Jake's heartbeat from the other side.

The second thing isn't so much good as much as a _fuck is this actually happening oh God oh God why is this my life_ thing. But that just so happens to be Jake's general status quo as far as his best friend is concerned.

-

A few days later, JARVIS wakes Jake up with his usual good morning salutations. He stumbles out of bed, realises Cougar's already in the shower — yay for progress! — and starts rooting around for a clean t-shirt—

_"JARVIS?"_ Jake nearly shouts.

JARVIS knows Jake is alive, and if JARVIS is awake now, then—

A video window opens up on its own.  "Hey, dweeb."

It's Tony, eyes so sunken Jake would have thought he'd been given a pair of black eyes. Steve sinks into the couch behind Tony and drops his head in his hands in what Jake is going to go with as relief. Tony on the other hand, just looks angry.

Jake has no words. None. Clay said tell no one, and Jake understands because this is dangerous, this could end Tony's life…

But _fucking hell,_ it's so damn good to see Tony.

"What the fuck, asshole?" Tony shouts. He looks like he's been crying. "You go faking dead, you tell me. I cannot fucking believe you. You lied to me, how could—"

"As I had already explained," JARVIS cuts in gently. "Jake believes that revealing himself to you would put your lives as risk."

"I have a bodyguard! I have multiple bodyguards!" Tony snaps, ignoring Steve's "Happy isn't saving you from _anyone,_ Tony" in the background.

"And Jess? And Beth? Who protects them?" Jake asks.

"And you, JARVIS, you knew this could put Tony in danger, why did you tell him? You're supposed to be dormant!"

"And Sir woke me up," JARVIS answers. "I know we discussed at a great length why I should stay dormant, Jake, But Sir is my maker, my father. I cannot disobey his orders."

"We understand your decision, Jake," Steve says from the background. "As JARVIS explained, it was a difficult situation and you have orders to follow, not to mention people you need to protect. I'm not happy with the situation, but it's okay. I understand."

Jake would sigh in relief, because he really needed to hear that. But as much as Steve is family now, it's Tony's heart he truly broke, and Tony's forgiveness he needs.

"You lied to me." Tony is actually shaking now.

"Tony," Jake's voice breaks, and he's going to start crying again, dammit this is such bad timing, Cougar's going to walk out of the bathroom any minute now. "I'm so sorry. I was scared. I wanted you safe. I'm sorry. Please, I'm sorry."

Tony tenses, but Steve places a comforting arm around his shoulders and he relaxes just a tiny bit. "But you actually thought you could fool me by making it look like JARVIS was destroyed? Come on, he's my own kid Jake, I know how he works, you laserdisc."

Nerd insults mean he's been forgiven, and he does cry then. Jake wipes at his face, and then grabs his glasses to see the two of them better.

Tony runs a hand through his hair. "Now, tell me what to do about this Max guy so you can come home already."

"JARVIS!"

"Again, I cannot disobey Sir's orders."

"And to be honest, you might have found out more about him if you'd used JARVIS in your search," Tony points out. "Aside from letting me help, that is. I've booked a flight—"

"Are you crazy? No, you're not helping! We're Special Forces, and someone fucked us over, Tony. Think about how much power Max must have to do that! Stark Industries isn't going to keep you safe," Jake has to force his voice down, in case Cougar overhears. "Do not fly over here."

"I _will not_ leave you to rot in Bolivia!" Tony snaps back.

"Love, you can't just fly over there and hope to magically fix things. We need to be smart about this and strategize," Steve tells him, placing a hand on Tony's shoulder. "Jake, tell us what to do. And should we tell Jess?"

"Look," Jake sighs. There's no way he'll be able to convince Tony to do nothing, but he can't have Tony put himself in danger just to help Jake out. He got the Losers into this mess, it should be him paying for it, not Tony, not Steve. "Why don't you look around — subtly, _do not_ draw attention to yourself, Anthony — from your side, and I'll do what I can from here? We'll keep in touch, okay?"

"Jake," Steve begins, but Jake cuts him off.

"Look, I gotta go. No one can know I'm alive or that I told you. But I’m sure Jess wouldn't mind having surprise visitors over the weekend. Use a chat window next time." The shower stops running. Jake clicks the exit button. "JARVIS, mute."

Cougar walks in, water dripping down his neck, a small smile on his lips when he sees Jake. Oh, this is so unfair. Can't Jake go through life without keeping secrets from one of his best friends?

Still, Jess will know in two days. Beth can't be told yet, that's not smart, but this is change, this is progress. Something about hearing Tony's voice lifts a weight from Jake’s shoulders. He only just makes it into the shower before he bursts into silent laughter, tears hidden by the spray of lukewarm water.

-

The third good thing goes by the name of Aisha and is _hot as fuck._ There's all this confident smirking blending in with gorgeous brown skin, and it has Jake swooning like a teenage girl. He's not even joking about the pant-busting crush because _damn._

Of course, she's also creepy as hell and sets their hotel on fire — thank the Doctor Jake had been carrying his laptop at the time.

Pooch thinks she's fucking Clay, but Jake's not so sure.  Even Clay's not that mental, is he?

-

In retrospect, Jake's theory is pretty damn good, if one excludes a single outlier, that being that one time Aisha went and shot him. Good things totally come in threes, if you ignore that one tiny little thing.

But that comes later.

-

_Day one-hundred-and-three._

Right now, they're getting ready to pretend to be dead — again. Jake isn't claustrophobic, but he isn't really looking forward to going home in a casket either. He takes his glasses off and sticks them in his front pocket, then automatically pats Spidey for good luck, but his pants pocket is empty.

Jake inhales shakily. Over a decade of companionship, and in a fit of anger and grief, he'd thrown Spidey away like it had meant nothing.

"Looking for this?" Cougar asks from behind. Jake turns around, putting his glasses on to actually see what the hell Cougar is holding in his hand.

"Spidey!" The glasses are now fucking useless because his eyes start tearing up. He skips over to Cougar and takes Spider-Man carefully out of his hands. "Hey you. Guess I owe you an apology."

"You think, man? Some kind of lucky charm that is. You keep losing it, and all that luck's gonna go to someone else," Pooch tells him while placing Pooch — the bobble head, that is — in the casket with him. "Now the Pooch? He takes care of his shit. It's probably why we're all still alive."

"That luck is mine, I gave you—"

"Okay boys, quit fighting and go to bed. Mama needs to get to work," Aisha tells them. Jake nods and obeys, before he blurts out something mortifying.

-

They're working on the helicopter when Jake gathers up enough courage to test out his newest hypothesis. "Cougar, keep an eye on me, I need you as witness."

Cougar looks at him in question, and Jake nods his head in Aisha's direction. Cougar shakes his head, but Jake brings a hand up. _I got this._ Time to find out what's going on, once and for all.

After the spectacular failure that is flirting with Aisha, Jake heads directly to tell Pooch his findings. She is so banging Clay.  Thank God he hadn't bet money on that.

But ears, man.

Not that Jake is judging — Jake's not a judgmental type of person. Everyone has different childhoods. Jake took apart machines, and made friends with nonagenarian librarians. Pooch was a boy scout, and apparently, Aisha collected ears. No judging.  

But fucking hell.

-

Being betrayed by Aisha? Sucky, but in hindsight, it's not all that surprising.

Getting shot? Okay, decidedly un-fun. It's only in the arm, and Cougar's right beside him, keeping him in the present before the pain sends him spiralling into the dark depths of his mind, but it's still pretty fucking awful.

Cougar's fingers are steady as he stitches Jake up in the pharmacy, but his face is frighteningly blank again. Jake is reminded of Cougar folding his clothes just so, after he'd lost his grandmother. The natural grace fades, replaced by robotically accurate movements. Jake can't read Cougar's face, and he can't bear to look at it anymore, so he takes his glasses off.

When Cougar agrees to the god-awful plan in the pharmacy, Jake realises he has two options. He could follow Pooch. He could go home to Beth and Jess, hide out and be safe for hopefully, the rest of his life, and let the others save him.

Or, there's the second choice. He could stay and see this to the end. Jake started with the Losers, and it's his fault that they're in this mess. Besides, they're his family too, he might as well finish this last mission with them. So Jake says yes.  

Cougar wraps way too much gauze around the wound, but Jake doesn't argue, just lets Cougar fuss quietly over him.

It's nearly five am, someone is going to come to open the store, so they scram out of the pharmacy. Jake deals with the surveillance cameras as Pooch cleans up the broken glass. Cougar leaves a chunk of cash right on top of the till. It's not going to cover the cost of the glass, but it's all they have. Roque laughs at the lot of them and Clay gets annoyed they're being slow. _"Hello."_ Jake points to his arm, "I was actually shot. By _your_ girlfriend."

Jake spends most of the drive to the port tense, trying to find a good position for his arm. Cougar's beside him, with his stiff expression and his unblinking eyes focused on the road.  A fit of righteous self-loathing for having been the cause of Cougar's suffering overtakes Jake. Cougar's not over what happened in Bolivia.

None of them are, really.

But Cougar, the man with the biggest heart in the world, is obviously worse off that the rest of them. And it's all Jake's fault.

He's going to make things right. He has to, for Cougar. Even if Cougar never forgives him, it's still the right thing to do.

Cougar catches Jake staring again and reaches out to hold his wrist, instantly calming him. Jake should feel guilty, taking this comfort from Cougar when he has nothing to give back. He feels like a terrible friend. But it's too addicting. Cougar's fingers around his wrist is Jake's definition of serenity.  

"I need to figure out how you do that, it's some kinda voodoo shit—"

" _Cálmate,"_ Cougar murmurs. And Jake doesn't want to, doesn't feel like he deserves it, but it's Cougar, with his gentle voice and even gentler hands, and he finds himself relaxing.

-

Jake knows he's a dead man. It's over. He wants to claw his way out, find his XO and ask him, _how dare you, you were family!_ But he also wants to run away and never see him again, because the man is now part of the third group of family that Jake has. It’s the one he frequently tries not to think about, the group that has two other members, Mom and Dad.

But in the end, it doesn't really matter what Jake wants to do, because Jake is a dead man. Pooch's got a bullet in each leg and Jake's shoulder is starting to hurt again, but what's pain in comparison to finality? To death? Jake probably shouldn't philosophise with guns pointing in his direction, but that's just the kind of guy he is. At least he'll die being himself. Lady Gaga would be proud.

Suddenly, there is a gun pressing against the side Cougar's head. Jake's brain freezes, it doesn't have the capacity to compute the fear of losing Cougar. It's faulty code, this is not happening.

But then reality alters, the timeline rearranges itself.

Because the idiot touches Cougar's hat. Jake bites his lip to stop the laughter bubbling in his belly. That motherfucker is a zombie. _Start digging your graves men_ , Jake thinks, ‘ _cause you're dead men walking._  

No one touches Cougar's hat, except Beth, who has free reign over Cougar's everything, and Jake, that one time. And now Jake's thinking of the way sweat had trickled down Cougar's throat as Jake had ridden him, of how Cougar had taken the hat from the bedside table and stuck it on Jake's head. Then he thinks of how they'd stopped for a whole minute because they couldn't stop laughing at the ludicrousness of it all, even with Cougar's cock deep inside Jake.  

Jake turns to look at Cougar, wondering what the plan of attack is, because hell to the yes, they are getting out alive. That motherfucker touched Cougar's hat, even Lady Death would give Cougar a free pass to get revenge before she took him home.

Cougar smiles, looking up, and Jake follows his gaze. Jake wants to kick himself, because he is a futurist after all, he should have seen this coming. So Jake's brain does what it does best, it calculates the new future.

Aisha fires her rocket. Cougar moves, and Jake follows.

-

Duct tape is not a permanent solution to disarming a snuke, which is what leaves the Losers — minus dead team member whose name Jake isn't ready to think about —  plus Aisha sitting around the shipping container. Cougar's re-stitching up Jake's arm while Jake's working on trying to disarm it, when JARVIS goes ahead and speaks up despite being on permanent mute, the _jerk._

"Perhaps Sir can be of help."

"You know what, JARVIS, you are officially no longer my favourite. We're supposed to be friends, but I'm going to go home and spoil the crap out of Jocasta and there is noth—"

"Jensen, what did you do?" Pooch asks. "I thought you shut down that program so Stark couldn't find you."

"First of all, not a program, he's an AI. And uh. Yeah, about that," Jake shrugs. "He found me. I've been his best friend since we were teens, but he's Tony Stark, how am I supposed to stop him? He's a genius!"

"I thought you were a genius!" Clay thunders.

"Well, he's more genius! Geniuser?" Jake can't help being defensive. Tony's a different level of everything, there's no arguing that point. He's like Batman, but not a superhero (yet).

"Wait, are we talking about Tony Stark, as in SI?" Aisha asks.

Jake winces. _Elephant shit on a pogo stick._ Lady shoots him and now she's going to meet his best friend. "You're not going to kill him and add his ears to your collection, are you?"

Aisha smiles a Mona Lisa smile, and Jake's a little bit curious, a lot scared. "No, I promise not to attack Tony Stark of SI."

"Much appreciated."

-

The drive to Tony's L.A. mansion — of course he has an L.A. mansion, the ones in Miami, Manhattan and New Hampshire just aren't enough — is long. The only reason Jake isn't getting the dressing down of his life is because Cougar sticks both him and Pooch so full of drugs they can't tell left from right. JARVIS, who runs the house, lets them in. When Jake wakes up later on the couch, he finds a post-it note stuck to his forehead telling him the snukes have been moved into the garage, and that Tony's on his way from New York City.

He sits up on the couch and follows the voices into the sunlit kitchen. Cougar's digging bullets out of Pooch's legs on the kitchen island while Aisha helps. Pooch grins when he sees Jake. "Hey sleeping beauty, how you doing?"

Pooch must be on some tight ass painkillers, then.

"Better than you, legless Pooch," Jake bites his thumb at the indignant glare Pooch throws at him. Shakespearean insult FTW. It sends Pooch chuckling. "Where's Clay?"

"Grocery run," Cougar answers.

"Ooooh did you tell him to get—"

"Strawberry cream cheese? Course I did. The hell do you think I am? How long have we been friends?" Pooch demands.

"Too fucking long, man. I don't even get reward points," Jake answers, and then deposits himself on a chair. "Do you two need help?"

"No." They reply simultaneously. Cougar drops the second bullet onto the counter and douses the area with disinfectant. Pooch doesn't even react a bit. Seriously, Jake needs some more of those meds. Aisha rinses her bloody hands in the kitchen sink while Cougar sews him up, and Jake watches in morbid fascination.

"Jake, gauze, _por favor_. Backpack in the Humvee," Cougar says, and Jake stands up.

"Sure thing, Coug."

Jake's strolling back through the house, gauze in hand. This mansion reminds him of the Stark mansion in New York, full of old paintings of generations of Starks. It's not a home, it's a mausoleum. No wonder Tony prefers living at the Stark Tower penthouse.

It's a bit creepy, but Jake likes looking at the oil painting of a woman in civil war-era clothing, eyes the same eerie blue that Tony's are, or the newer painting of a little boy with a radio in his hand. The title of the painting reads: The Little Engineer.

He can admire the art later, but first Pooch needs the gauze. So Jake picks up his pace and heads to the kitchen.

Jake's nearly at the doors when he hears the gunshot.


	8. Eight

Jacob Jensen is not the most professional of soldiers in any situation, but five years of military experience has ingrained in him a few iron-clad rules. Namely: don’t walk into a volatile situation unless you know exactly what the hell you’re up to — or your name is Franklin Clay. His second-in-command had taught him that rule, but Jake orders that train of thought right out of the railway station. He’s not equipped to think about  _him_ just yet.

Getting back to the room in front of him: Cougar has a Glock in his hand — which is as volatile as it gets — so Jake automatically freezes in the doorway.

Cougar won’t shot Jake, he knows that. In fact, Jake knows Cougar won’t be shooting anyone else, because the deed is already done. Cougar never shoots twice — he never needs to. Cougar never misses.

There is a bullet hole in Aisha’s left arm, and it’s bleeding something awful. Cougar’s gun is still aiming at Aisha.. This time, it’s pointing straight at her forehead.

Aisha doesn’t look like she’s gone and betrayed them again, and Cougar isn’t switching sides. This is Carlos ‘Cougar’ Alvarez, the man who lets Beth wear his hat and tucks Jake into bed when he’s been up for too long. This is the Cougar who had spent months on his knees in that tiny room in Bolivia, and still found himself unable to leave the burden of twenty-five dead children at the cross. Cougar’s on their side. Jake’s sure of that fact.

So Jake’s allowed to be confused.

Cougar and Aisha are throwing rapid Spanish at each other — Jake has never heard Cougar speak so much in his life — and Pooch offers him a shrug when Jake looks at him for translation. For all his concentration, their speed is too much for Jake, though he does catch a few important words like, _payback, even,_ and also his own name once.

The conversation ends when Aisha says, “Okay, _papi_. I can live with that,” and Cougar subsequently puts his gun away.

Cougar holds his hand out to Jake, who wordlessly passes him the bandages. Cougar gestures to Aisha and she comes closer, holding her arm. Clearly, it’s not the first time she’s been shot. She handles being shot in the arm a lot better than Jake did— it’s a little off-putting.

“Okay, yeah. I have to ask.” Jake finally gets his bearings after settling in beside Pooch at the breakfast bar, watching Cougar dig the bullet out of Aisha’s arm. “The fuck is going on here? What did she do now? Why did you shoot her, and why are you stitching her up? I was only gone for like a minute, what could have _possibly_ happened? What am I missing here?”

“A few years’ worth of Spanish lessons, apparently,” Pooch tells him, sliding out of his seat with remarkable grace for a man who’s been shot in both legs. Jake’s so getting ‘Legless Pooch’ engraved onto something as a gift. Maybe a pair of crutches. “Well, I’m beat, so I’ma go find myself a room, or a whole wing, and I don’t want to see any of you for at least eight hours. Unless Tony Stark shows up. Jensen, if you let me sleep through Tony Stark diffusing a bomb, our friendship is over.”

“Understood.” Jake mock salutes. “But is no one going to tell me what’s happening here?”

“If I teach you Spanish, would _we_ be even?” Aisha asks, pointing to bandaged up arm.

“Better not. Spanish just isn’t my forte. We get into irregular verb conjugation, and you might shoot me all over again.” Cougar tenses again. “Too soon?”

“Little bit,” Aisha smirks.

Cougar stays rigid, and the puzzle starts coming together in Jake’s head. Aisha sports a wound on her arm, nearly exactly where Jake is sporting the one she’d given him. This was payback for Jake. Why in the hell Cougar would do something like that, Jake’s not sure. After all, Jake’s fine — if on one a few too many painkillers — and Aisha had saved their asses. And besides, Jake thought they’d long gotten over the stupid-ass idea that Jake needed to be protected. Apparently not.

Aisha clears her throat. Jake looks up to meet her eyes. “Oh. Oops sorry. I spaced out. I swear, I wasn’t staring at your chest. Seriously. Okay, fine, a little bit. But I was mainly spaced out. Pinky promise.” Aisha rolls her eyes. “And we’re even. You saved my life, after all.”

“Alright then. Glad to have that cleared up.”

Jake’s probably not going to trust Aisha anytime soon, but she’s forgiven for now. He just doesn’t have the attention span to hold a proper grudge.

Aisha slides out of her seat and heads towards the kitchen door, and then it’s just Cougar Jake needs to talk to. It’s not that he doesn’t appreciate being covered for, but Jake can take care of himself. That Cougar still doesn’t trust his abilities hurts. Jake watches Aisha until she’s out of sight, and turns to face Cougar, who’s disinfecting his hands.

“Cougar.” Jake jumps out of his seat and walks over to Cougar. Jake carefully places a hand on Cougar’s shoulder. “Not that I’m not happy you got my back, but… I don’t need you to fight my battles for me. I am _not_ a kid.”

Cougar nods stiffly. “ _Lo siento,_ Jake. I know that.”

“Okay. Good. Yay!” Jake grins, hoping to bring out an oh-so-missed smile in Cougar. His attempt fails. Cougar bends his head, eyes boring into Jake’s chest. His eyes are wild and his body stiff, the way Cougar gets when he’s really scared. Or really sad. Jake’s not sure which one it is at the moment. “Coug?”

Cougar brings his hand up to rest carefully over Jake’s bandage. Despite the fabric separating their skin, everywhere Cougar’s fingers ghost over, Jake catches on fire. Cougar slowly traces a path to Jake’s heart.. “When she fired… I thought she’d hit you here.”

Jake stills. God. Cougar — the biggest, scariest badass of the group — is actually just as warm and cuddly as Pooch likes to joke he is. Cougar’s supposed to be the hardened soldier, but he’s the softest. Jake’s always known that but never truly comprehended it until now. Cougar hadn’t shot Aisha because Jake needed protection. He’d done it because he was scared, and when people get scared, they lash out.

Suddenly, it hits Jake. Cougar is Jake’s best friend, but also, Jake is Cougar’s best friend. And he thinks of what he would have done to Aisha if she’d shot Cougar, and he can’t resent Cougar one little bit anymore.

Jake places his palm over Cougar’s hand. “Cougar. It’s okay. I’m alive, and I’m okay. We’re gonna be fine.”

Cougar looks up and gives him a broken smile, and Jake’s breath catches as their eyes meet. They’re really close, Jake realises. Jake can smell the blood and antiseptic on Cougar, and feel the warmth radiating from him.

_Pokemon, oh, you’re my best friend, in a world we must defend!_

Jake nearly jumps at his ringtone, and picks up the moment he sees the caller. Cougar steps away, taking to wiping down the kitchen counters with disinfectant. “Tony, where are you?”

“I’ll be there in half-an-hour, have JARVIS order pizza from Cozzoli’s. My usual. I need food to science, assbucket,” Tony says and promptly hangs up.

Still mad at Jake, then.

“Love you too,” Jake tells the dial-tone.

-

Jake’s signing off for pizza when the gate opens again and lets in a hot rod red Audi. Tony throws the keys at his security-guard-slash-driver-who-never-gets-to-drive, then makes his way to Jake.

“You’re the _worst_ , you know that? The very worst,” Tony shouts. “I hate you so much, oh God, you’re awful friend material and I’m disowning you.” He pulls Jake into a too-tight hug that neither of them want to get out of.

“What about Beth?” Jake asks into Tony’s neck, instantly comforted by the familiar scent of motor oil.

“What _about_ Beth? I’m keeping her and Jess in the separation. You won’t even have visitation rights.”

“Not even Christmas?”

“Not even Christmas. I hate you, get off of me.” Tony pushes him away.

“I _am_ sorry,” Jake tells him, shoving his hands into his pockets.

“I know,” Tony replies. “And so does the rest of our weird family. Now let’s go get your life back.”

-

Tony wants to deal with the snuke as soon as possible, so Jake ends up being the one to wake Pooch. Pooch is pissed, because it’s been less than an hour since he’d ditched them for sleep, then Jake tells him who’s here. The resulting wreck on the floor that is blankets and Pooch is _so_ rewarding.

JARVIS directs the two of them to the lab, where Tony’s setting himself up already. If legless Pooch wasn’t shot in both legs, Jake thinks he’d probably be skipping. Pooch nearly has a techgasm watching Tony at work. Pooch’s not shy, and he’s no idiot, which is why he’s getting an in-depth explanation of Tony’s thought process right now. Well, that and Tony’s verbal diarrhoea. Neither Tony nor Jake have outgrown that personality defect. Cougar comes in a little later and sits on a table, watching them make a mess on the floor. Tony sits on the ground, the bomb in front of him, while Jake stays at his side handing him tools.  They’ve nearly dismantled it all when Aisha and Clay show up.

Jake starts introducing Aisha and Clay but Tony waves him away. “You!” Tony waves a finger in Aisha’s direction, still focused on the tech in front of him. “I paid you a shit ton of money to get Jake home safe, not shoot him! If you think you’re getting anything more than the upfront I paid you, you got another thing coming, lady.”

“Wait, what.” Jake peeks from the side of the snuke to stare at Tony.

“Mr. Stark has been backing my missions since nearly the very beginning,” Aisha explains. “

Jake glares at Tony.

“ _What?”_ Tony throws his hands in the air. “ _You_ said not to interfere! But you gave me the okay to look into it myself! So I did! And then Goliath was involved, so I bought _that,_ and then I found this one! She was poking around so I gave her the resources to get you into the States, and swiped info on Max from SHIELD — please don’t tell my dad, he might actually kill me this time. Except, I never told her to shoot you, Jacob.” Tony glares and points the screwdriver he’s holding at Aisha.  “Not cool.”

It would be more menacing if he weren’t sitting on the floor with a bomb all but literally between his legs.  

“How did even you find out about me getting — JARVIS!”

“Oh, stop bullying my kid, Jake. He was only listening to his daddy,” Tony says, craning his neck to observe a side of the snuke. Then he stops. “Hey, why is this one marked number four?”

“What?” Clay asks.

“This one is marked _oh four_ — hi Colonel. Carlos shake his hand for me _por favor_ — which begs the question—“

“—where’s one through three?” Jake finishes. Cougar and Clay freeze mid-handshake to turn to Jake and Tony in horror.  

“There’s three more of these? Then we need to find and dispose of them as soon as possible,” Aisha says. “Or a lot of people will die.”

“Okay, Captain Obvious,” Tony snarks. “What is it with you and getting all ominous? We know that, what we need is a location.”

“They were making a deal at the harbour, that’s what the one billion was for, wasn’t it?” Pooch asks.

True, Jake thinks. But from the state of the South Asian man found dead beside the one snuke, the deal had gone sub-optimally for the other side. “They must have moved it. If the snukes were on the plane with the money, there would be a big hole where Los Angeles is.”

“Are you telling me we need to track those things down now, wherever the hell they are?” Pooch asks. He sounds weary.

“They’re weapons of mass destruction. They make Hiroshima and Nagasaki look like fireworks. And not even fourth of July fireworks, like Swiss Confederation Day fireworks. I’ve been there, done that. It’s not that impressive.” Tony gestures for pliers, and when Jake hands it to him, he cuts a wire. “Okay, this one’s officially useless.”

“Thank you, Mr. Stark.”

“Tony’s fine, you sound like my lawyers. And not Jennifer, the cool one. Let’s talk about Max.”

“We know what he looks like.” It’s Pooch who speaks up. “We have his face.”

“Yeah, and?” Tony prompts.

“Jolene.”

The others look at Cougar in confusion, but Jake understands right away. “You want to use the tracking algorithm that JARVIS and I used to follow Jolene.”

“We need recordings to work from though,” Pooch reminds him.

“I made copies of the security tapes at the harbour before wiping them,” Jake says.

“When did you do that?” Pooch asks.

“Before I passed out in the HumVee?”

“Fan-fucking-tastic. This is why I love you.” Tony holds out a fist and Jake bumps it.

“Thanks.”

“Why didn’t you tell us earlier?” Aisha demands.

“Um, cause I fell asleep? And then you got shot, and Tony showed up, and I forgot until now?”

“Okay, so we track his face. It should lead us to him, and his main base?” Pooch asks.

“Yeah, but we need to find the snukes. Those aren’t weapons that should be in anyone’s hands, let alone his.”

“Yes. And then we go home,” Clay promises them.

“No.” Pooch looks up at Clay. “I have to go home now. Jolene’s planned her caesarean in two days, and I can’t let her have that baby without me.”

“Then we go to Springfield.” Cougar’s looking straight at Clay, no question. Jake knows he means no disrespect, but he’s also not going to take no for an answer. Family’s important, and moments like these shouldn’t be lost. God knows Cougar’s missed enough of his own family. Jake can’t imagine not having been there when Beth was born, and Beth’s his niece, not his own kid, no matter how close they are.

“Max could know to search for us there. He knows we’re alive now,” Clay counters. Oh. God. Why didn’t Jake think of that? Max has access to all the government files, and he knows they’re alive. He knows about their families.

“Clay, he could take them for leverage.” Jake’s voice is deceptively calm, in comparison to the inner panic at the thought that he’s put Beth and Jess in grave danger.

“I am _not_ leaving Jolene alone with our baby when Max and his Stormtroopers come-a-knocking,” Pooch grits out.

“Okay, we go to Springfield,” Clay says.

“And then New Hampshire.” Jake doesn’t let the sentence end with a question mark.

“Manhattan,” Tony corrects.

“Come again?”

“Beth has March break. She’s at Stark Tower with Jess, visiting her godfather and his boyfriend, _hel_ lo.” Tony rolls his eyes as Jake looks at him in awe. By taking them to Stark Tower, Tony’s basically put Jess and Beth in one of the safest places in the world.

“They have twenty-four-hour security, and Rhodey’s visiting — yes, of course I told him, fuck off, it’s Rhodey,” Tony leans forward to jab at Jake’s glasses, pushing them up the ridge of his nose. “I had to tell him why he had to tail his friend’s sister and her kid on his week off. Anyways, if we don’t have this shit wrapped up by the time break’s over, she’ll just miss a few days of school, it’s not so bad.”

Jake closes his eyes.  He’s not going to cry, not in front of everyone. He’s so incredibly grateful to his friends, but he needs to keep it together until he gets home. It’s one thing to cry during the first ten minutes of _Up_ because everyone does that. It’s another to show this much weakness. Especially in front of Aisha — she already knows too much about his family for Jake’s taste.

Jake’s forgiven her. He hasn’t forgotten what she’s capable of.

Clay looks at Jake. “So when I ordered you not to tell anyone you were alive…”

“Hey, I never told anyone. I blame JARVIS’ Skynet-like abilities,” Jake defends himself, then he catches the amusement in Clay’s expression.

“Fine. But we’re not going to Manhattan until this is done,” Clay says. Jake bites his lip so he doesn’t argue. They don’t need to go to New York City — it would just delay their work. His family is safe — they know he’s alive — he can see them later. “We’ll go to Springfield, get Jolene to a safe house as soon as she’s out of the hospital. Then we find Max, destroy the nukes, and clear our names.”

“Then we’re done,” Cougar says.

“And then we’re done,” Clay promises.

-

Tony doesn’t get a chance to argue with Jake about coming to Springfield — his phone doesn’t let him. Ignoring calls from his assistant is bad enough — Pepper Potts is a hurricane unto herself — but now Howard Stark is calling to ask why his son’s on vacation in L.A. without any prior notice, and what the hell is going on.

Tony promises to come home, hangs up the phone and drops down on the workbench, straddling it and facing Jake.

It’s late, Tony and Jake are alone in the lab. They’re working on tracking Max. Tomorrow, they fly.

“I hate this,” Tony says. “As soon as I have the authority, I’m throwing away all the weapons contracts and focusing on robotics, and daily tech, maybe clean energy. My phone will make more money for SI than any of dad’s contracts. The _Resilient_ ’s doing really well. Maybe I should work on other things than run on renewables. And then I’m going to take Steve somewhere far away and do all sorts of —“

“Please don’t tell me,” Jake deadpans.

“Then don’t tell me anything about Carlos and you,” Tony smirks. “See, it’s funny, because you haven’t actually told me anything. And now you don’t have DADT to hide behind like that bathroom in Jurassic Park.”

“There’s nothing to tell!”

Tony’s raises his eyebrows, and Jake barrels on. “I mean, we slept together a couple of times, _hush,_ let me finish —” Jake presses a finger against Tony’s lips. “We were never serious, and he’s still one of my best friends, what else do you need to know?”

“Carlos took your V-card?” Tony speaks against his fingers and Jake takes it away, wiping the saliva on Tony’s shirt. Eww.

“Tony, let it go, seriously.”

“Are you sure it was just sex? Because you don’t do just sex, we had that conversation about trust, remember?”

Evasion is the only tactic that comes to mind. “We’re trying to stop an actual supervillain, and you want to talk about my love life?”

“No, I want to talk about your sex life. You’re the one mentioning love.” Tony crosses his arms across his chest. “And if you had just told me what was going on at Christmas, we wouldn’t be having this conversation. Steve made me stop asking then, and I agreed. But you’re not supposed to lie to me.”

“Tony, I’m not lying to you. There’s _nothing_ happening between Cougar and me. I,” Jake takes a deep breath. “I trust Cougar. We had a couple of bust missions, and it messed me up pretty badly. Cougar helped me come down from them, ‘cause he was the only one who got me. But this isn’t _Brokeback Mountain_ , Tony. There’s no hidden love story.”

“You sure?”

“That this isn’t Brokeback—“

“That it’s not a love story?” Tony leans into Jake’s personal space, placing a hand on his shoulder. “Because I see the way you two look at each other. You know who you used to look at like that? Rhodey.”

“What are you even on about?”

“Rhodey. Our Rhodey. He-who-can-eat-two-hot-dogs-at-a-time and what-a-shame-he-doesn’t-like-dick Rhodey. You had the biggest crush on him in college. Come on, own up.” Tony tilts his head and smirks.

“I did _not._ Rhodey was a friend,” Jake deadpans.

“Yeah you did. You totally crushed. Like Beth on Eugene from _Tangled_. I mean, I totally get it, the man’s a total babe. Rhodey, I mean. Well, Eugene’s hot too, but let’s talk Rhodey. Those arms? Holy shit. I mean, I’m more than happy with Steve, but…”

Jake can feel his face heating up in a crimson blush. It was like a missing centerpiece in Jake’s sexual identity puzzle. “Oh my God.”

“It’s actually Tony, but I get that a lot.” The joke would be funny if Jake wasn’t reorganising his college thought processing.

“ _I_ had a crush on Rhodey.”

“Yep, didn’t we cover that?” Tony asks.

“Rhodey? But what — _how?_ ”

“Well, arms,” Tony shrugs. And now Jake is actually remembering Rhodey’s arms and—

“Oh. _Yeah._ ”

They stare at each other in pensive silence for a moment, and then burst into laughter.

Tony lets the conversation go though, and Jake pushes any lingering doubts about his totally platonic and sometimes physical feelings for Cougar to the back of his mind.

-

Jake jolts awake. The sun had set a little while ago, and they’re planning to drive to Springfield in the middle of the night. Clay’s ordered everyone to get some sleep because he damn well isn’t going to drive the whole way. Jake’s had JARVIS running the algorithm to find Max in the background, and is now trying his best to get some shut-eye. His brain though, has decided to actively combat him in that regard.

Since they’d lost everything in Bolivia, Jake had spent every night with Cougar. Even when Cougar hadn’t slept he’d still stayed in the same room, providing a sanctuary Jake had desperately needed. Even after, they’d still slept in the same car together, the same shitty hotel room in Miami. The only time he’d fallen asleep without Cougar was last night on the couch, and he’d been on a buttload of medication then. Now, Jake finds it difficult to sleep without the beat of Cougar’s heart in his ear. Every single time he reaches the edge of sleep, his mind pulls him back awake with the panic that Cougar’s heart has stopped, that he’s gone.

This is the sixth time in the last ninety minutes. Jake groans, sitting up in bed. The bright red of the digital alarm clock tells him it’s two am. They’re on the road in two hours; it’s time to throw the towel in. Jake takes a deep breath, then forsakes his bedroom for Cougar’s.

_It’s fine,_ he tells himself, standing in front of the door. So what if they don’t have to share a room anymore? They’re best friends; Cougar will understand that Jake’s having sleeping problems. He’s never turned him away when Jake needed help before, why would he start now? On the other hand, Cougar had always known when Jake needed him. He’d always offered because Jake hadn’t the strength to ask. Maybe Cougar doesn’t want to help this time, a part of Jake considers. But a smaller voice in his head reminds him of Cougar’s promise.

_I got your back._

The memory comes fleetingly back to him. He can still smell the coffee, feel the pressure of Cougar’s fingers around Jake’s wrist. They’re supposed to be family. He’d just as easily go to Tony’s to share the room, because God knows Steve would never mind; but his nightmares aren’t something he ever wants Tony to wake up to.

Cougar’s bedroom light is on. Jake knocks and waits, eyes growing wide when Cougar finally opens the door. Cougar’s _crying_ , and his eyes are wild, panicked.

Jake leans in slowly, makes sure Cougar sees exactly what he’s doing, and pulls him into an embrace. “Shh, hey big guy, it’s okay. I’m here.”

Cougar chokes, his nose pressing up against Jake’s throat, and groans out one word: “Roque.”

The name is like suddenly remembering a knife in Jake’s back. He’s not been aware of how much it hurt to have it in there, and pretending it isn’t there is like using a band-aid when what he needs is someone to pull the damn thing out and stitch him back up. Cougar says the word, and Jake bleeds. Cougar’s palm pressed against his back is pressure on the wound.

To think, if Roque’s betrayal hurts him this much, how much worse must it be for Cougar, whose heart is infinitely bigger. Cougar’s been dealing with the fact that he’d killed his former teammate for the last day and a half, while Jake’s been joking and laughing and pretending everything was fine and dandy.

But there’s no faking it anymore.

Roque had betrayed them. Roque had worked his way into their lives with his easy smiles and easier glares, with his late mother’s goulash and a habit of polishing everyone’s shoes if he was doing his. And then he’d gone and betrayed them like they hadn’t meant anything, like they hadn’t been _family._

And Cougar had been forced to take him out.

Cougar’s fingers dig into his back and Jake wonders what Cougar needs. Whatever it is, Jake’s ready to give his all to take that hurt they’re both feeling and replace it with anything, anything at all. Cougar pulls up Jake’s shirt, and Jake helps, throwing it on the ground and shutting the door behind them.

They find themselves on the bed moments later, on their sides and facing each other. Jake throws an arm over the pillow and Cougar comes closer, his neck pressed up against Jake’s bicep. Cougar splays a hand over the cluster of cigarette burns and Jake pulls him in, his own hand pressed up against the Sacred Heart tattoo. When Jake’s hand moves south, Cougar stops him with a quick shake of his head. Jake brings his hand up back up to his chest, and closes his eyes.

“It’s not on you. Cougar, he betrayed us. I don’t blame you. It sucked, but you had to do what Clay said. And it hurts,” Jake whispers. His voice is shaky, but he doesn’t hide it; Cougar deserves to see he’s not the only one hurting. “Coug, it _should_ hurt. If it doesn’t, you’re no better than Max. But you care, and so it hurts. But don’t forget that I don’t blame you, because it’s not your fault.”

Cougar slowly relaxes — still awake, but pliant and curling up against Jake. It’s not Cougar’s fault, it shouldn’t be on him to suffer like this for other’s failings. For Jake’s failings.

They cling to each other, both of them pretending they’re not mourning but not fooling anyone. Slowly, Jake falls asleep to the lullaby of Cougar’s heartbeat.

-

Before they set off, Jake gives Tony a handwritten note to pass along to Jess. All it says is,

_I’m sorry. I love you. I will come home to you as soon as I can. I swear._

_Stay safe,_

_Spidey_

The word generic comes to mind, but it says all he can say. He can’t risk anything else, no matter how safe Tony says a phone call would be. Jake pats Spider-Man, and leaves Tony.

-

Little baby Martin is adorable — all devastatingly brown eyes and a head-full of hair. To both his own and Jolene’s delight, Jake gets to show Pooch how to change diapers. Clay and Cougar come to watch Pooch squirm, until the smell hits their noses and the two of them — hilariously and pathetically — run away.

They set up in one of Clay’s safe houses near Springfield. Jolene — after slapping Clay and kissing Jake and Cougar — thanks them and makes herself at home. Jake’s always been impressed by Jolene’s ability to accept the improbable, but this officially puts her in the same category as Jess when it comes to the badass women in his life. Much to Clay’s dismay, Jolene moves weapons to make room for breast pumps — is Jake the only Loser who knows these things exist? — and diapers. Clay tries to argue, but a single look silences him. Jake wants to kick himself for missing the photograph of a lifetime.

Pooch looks happier than Jake has seen him in months.

“He shouldn’t be coming with us,” Jake confesses to Clay and Cougar late one night. They’re playing cards, waiting for Max to show himself on JARVIS’s algorithm. Pooch’s on baby duty while Jolene gets some sleep.

“He has a baby, Jake. He needs his name cleared,” Clay says, dealing cards.

“Yeah, but we can do that for him.”

“Max knows about Jolene,” Cougar says from under his hat.

“Exactly. Someone should stay with her, in case they find the safe house,” Jake finishes Cougar’s line of reasoning. “Pooch should stay here.”

“Did you three adopt me and become my parents or something?”

They all turn towards the door; Pooch is leaning against the frame, arms crossed. “Because I don’t know why else you’d be making my decisions for me.”

“We can do this without you,” Jake says.

“ _Again._ No, you can’t.” Pooch limps over to the tables and sits himself down.

“Yes, we can. You can’t drive, Pooch. You need rest. And you have a baby.” Clay folds his hand.

“I promised to see this through with you guys.”

“I— _We_ got you in this mess.” Jake folds as well and stands up. “Let us get you out.”

“ _Max_ got us into this mess.”

“Pooch. I gave you the out before, I’m giving it to you again.” Clay’s using his no-nonsense voice now. “Stay here, keep Jolene and Marty safe, and spend the time with your family. I promised you, way before all this started that I would get you home for this.”

“You _need_ me. If you go into this and get yourself killed, that’s on me.”

“No, that’s on me,” Clay says.

“How about this,” Jake butts in. “You stay, and if we need you, we promise to call.”

“You’re not really giving me a choice here, are you?” Pooch asks.

“Nope.” Jake grins.

“Motherfuckers.”

Cougar takes his winnings with a grin and tips his hat at Pooch.

-

Tracking Max is easy once they find his ugly mug, and locating his base in Hong Kong is even easier once Tony hands him the digital keys to Goliath Worldwide — which scares Jake a bit. Jake knows exactly how big Goliath is, and if SI could manage a hostile takeover just like that, he doesn’t want to know how powerful Stark Industries actually is. He’s just glad Tony’s on his side.

The good thing is that they can finally access the actual locations on the drive, instead of CIA cash stashes. And that’s how they find themselves on a commercial flight to Hong Kong with squeaky clean passports, because taking an SI jet is too conspicuous. Clay and Aisha are two rows behind him, fast asleep — well, Clay’s fast asleep. You never know with Aisha. Jake’s between the window and Cougar, by choice; Cougar hates being in suffocating places like this, but Jake likes small spaces — it reminds him of being six and in Jess’ arms. Of course, it also means that if Cougar wants to talk, Jake has nowhere to go.

In fact, Jake’s starting to nod off, one step away from slumber, when Cougar wraps his cold fingers around Jake’s wrist and jolts him right back to consciousness. “Cougar?”

“Bolivia was not your fault.”

Jake inhales deeply. Of course Cougar had caught his earlier slip-up with Pooch. Still, being absolved of his sins is not something he’d ever expected, especially not from Cougar. But hearing the words from his mouth is akin to him cutting the rope around Jake’s neck. He breathes out at last and turns to face Cougar. Jake believes him. He believes that Cougar doesn’t blame Jake. He’s not so sure whether the blame can be moved though. “I gave the okay, I should have been able to get the signal back after he jammed us, and then I couldn’t—”

“Not your fault.”

“But—”

“ _Trust me,”_ Cougar whispers fiercely. “The blame is not yours to carry. Let it go.”

“It’s not yours either, and you haven’t managed to do that, have you?” Jake shoots back. Cougar winces and looks away, yet his fingers press deeper into Jake’s skin. Cougar hasn’t touched him like this since they stopped sleeping together.

Still, Jake lets him. It’s not really something platonic friends are supposed to do, but then again, platonic friends aren’t supposed to sleep together — in either sense of the word. Maybe Tony’s right. Platonic may have been an exit they’d passed unknown astronomical units ago.

Jake closes his eyes, and wonders what exactly this means. But when the weight of Cougar’s head falls on his shoulder, Jake decides then and there not to give a shit about it anymore. Yes, they’re best friends; he wasn’t lying to Tony. So what if their definition of friendship isn’t the same as the rest of the world's? God knows his friendship with Tony isn’t exactly textbook BFF material. Jake doesn’t care, and he’s so tired. All he wants to do is snuggle up against Cougar and sleep.

So he does.

-

Jake doesn’t get to see Max fall, which is all for the best, probably. No matter what the man did, Jake’s not sure he can stomach Aisha shooting him in the head in cold blood. He hears it though, through the distance of comms, despite being far away and surrounded by a multitude of computers. Cougar’s got his back, and Max’s goons are for the most part, also dead.

Them against fifty men with AKs? They’re the _Losers._ There’s only ever been one outcome.

Tracking the snukes from there to London is easy-peasy once Jake finds Max’s entire weapons stash in one pile. _Idiot._

_-_

“Let me make things easy for you. Give me the snukes, and you live.” Clay’s voice is clear and steady over the comms, and Jake smiles; it sounds like Clay’s getting back on track.

-

They’re at the Thames harbour, wondering how the fuck they’re going to move the snukes to New York, when Jake sees the transport ship with the sleek logo of Stark Industries.

A phone call, one picture with the TARDIS at the _Who Shop,_ a transfer to Liverpool and thirteen hours later, they’re on a flight to Springfield with all the evidence they need. The snukes, along with Aisha, are off to New York City. They’d be worried about leaving them with her, but Jake’s tagged all of the snukes, and there’s no losing them now.

Whatever personal distrust they’d harboured against Aisha, none of them believe her capable of actually using the snukes for world-wide destruction.

-

Of course, telling the Special Forces they have a leak clearly isn’t going to work; too many of the spooks in charge are in Max’s dead pockets. Which is exactly what Jake tells the rag-tag crew back in the safe house.

“And who’s to say they won’t just cover us up?” Pooch adds, Marty hiccuping over his shoulder. “I doubt they want it known they’d made a mistake, or that they have a leak. We don’t know how high up this goes. Spooks don’t give a rats’ ass about us. They’d rather kill us than have an embarrassing secret out.”

“But if we leak everything, we’ll be arrested for treason,” Clay counters.

“We don’t need to leak it,” Cougar says. Jake turns to Cougar in surprise. _Oh!_ he realises. Yeah, did did make more sense.

Everyone turns on Jake for an explanation. “The threat of being shot is just as effective as actually being shot,” Jensen explains.

“You want to threaten the CIA.” Clay’s fingers are tense again, He obviously wants a cigar, but that would mean leaving the house if he wants to stay on Jolene’s good side.

“We hand over our information to someone we trust, obviously keeping a copy for ourselves, and don’t send their embarrassing skeletons to the press.” Jake takes off his glasses to wipe them on the edge of his shirt. “In return, they clear our names, and we have our lives back.”

“I can go with that plan,” Pooch replies, his focus still on Marty. “At the end of the day, I want an honourable discharge, and I want them to leave me the hell alone so I can raise my son.”

There’s a pause, where Clay looks around at each of the Losers. “Are any of you going back?”

Jake falters.

For the longest time, Jake had been so proud of who he was and what he’d achieved in the military. But how many of the missions he’d done so far had been underhandedly run by Max? How many innocent lives were taken by Jake and the Losers on Max’s behalf? It didn’t matter if Clay went back and the Losers were working together again. Jake can’t go back with them. He’s not the same man he was five years ago, looking for adventure. Now, he just wants to do right by Jess and Beth, support his family and be with them. And with his degree, Jake has other options. Cougar could stay in the Jess’ upstairs guest room until they find a place together—

Screen freeze. The previous thought is a program his brain just isn’t equipped to handle. Jake had gone ahead and assumed Cougar would live with him. But Cougar’s not going to stay with Jake, he has his own life to live, Jake knows that. Whatever they are now, friends or best friends, they’re not a couple. But the idea of losing Cougar, of living without seeing him every day for the rest of Jake’s natural life is ice that stabs deep into Jake’s heart.

Platonic is the wrong word, and Tony was so damn right, they’re not just best friends. They’re not a couple, but it occurs to Jake now that he wants them to be.

Everything in Jake’s aching body wants them to be.

“No more.” Cougar says in a quiet voice. Jake looks up at him. Cougar is tense, his hands are white knuckled, holding his hat in his lap. Jake wants to cover them with his own and warm him up. “No more.”

Twice. Cougar’s said it twice. Cougar, who saves his words like they’re endangered species, just repeated himself. Cougar’s done, Jake realises. Cougar’s going to leave and maybe they’ll see each other every once in awhile. It won’t be like with Tony, where words are natural and calling in the middle of the night is normal.

But Cougar’s not a talker. He just isn’t. In Bolivia, and even before, Cougar could go days without speaking and it would be fine because his presence was still there. But if he leaves, Cougar will be lost to Jake.

They’ll lose touch. Jake will call and Cougar will listen and after a while, he’ll hang up. They’ll see each other less and less, until one day, Jake has become a distant, hopefully fond, memory in Cougar’s mind. Until Cougar’s details slowly fade from Jake’s own  memory, and Jake can’t remember what Cougar’s smiles taste like.

Jake chokes out a laugh or a sob, he doesn’t even know, and the others turn to look at him. “Jensen?”

“Sorry, I spaced out. I’m done, Clay.” Completely and irrevocably done. He’s so finished, and he hadn’t even noticed until they were making the decision to split.

Clay nods. “That makes four.”

-

Jake goes to the day-long exit interviews and signs the confidentiality agreements. He even tells the company man to go fuck himself when he’s offered his job back. It helps that Jake knows the country’s number one weapons manufacturer is in the waiting room with Jess and Beth.

The sky outside is bloodshot and the sun has nearly set.

It’s time to go home.

-

Jake sees his sister first, Beth asleep in her lap. At nearly seven, his Bethie-Beth is getting too big for Jess’s lap. All Jake wants to do is scoop her up in his arms and never let go of either of them. Family Pooch waits beside her, but Jess has her eyes on Tony, who’s talking to her in rather exaggerated movements.

Jess catches sight of him, and Jake’s brain presses the mute button on Tony’s voice, and on everything else.

When Jake had been sixteen, he’d gotten in major trouble at MIT — his first and only time. He remembers the event clear as day. Justin Hammer’s stupid smirk, and the hurt look on Tony’s face. Then Hammer’s on the floor with a broken nose and Tony and Rhodey are pulling him away.

He remembers seeing Jess rush into the dean’s office, her braid tangled up inside her Fourth Doctor scarf, and wondering how badly he’d disappointed her. He remembers her smiling at him, kissing his forehead, and listening to his story.

_I know you, Jake. This isn’t you, so I know you have a damn good reason for what you did. And I’m listening._

He remembers the relief flooding him, and the realisation that Jess would always be there. The ever-present fear that came after the lack of messages has been clawing up his belly and into his throat. At the sight of her, it drops and dissipates. Because this is Jess: his sister, his guardian, and friend, who will always listen.

Jess catches sight of him, and she freezes for one single second. Then she smiles, so wide her cheeks must hurt from it, and holds an arm out.

Three swift strides and Jake drops to his knees, curling himself over Beth’s back. Jess’s fingers dig into his skull, but the pain is welcome, it’s an affirmation. This is real. Reality unmutes with the sound of Jess’ half-sob-half-laugh. Beth jolts awake and clings to him, and Jake lets his tears fall, fuck whoever’s watching.

-

Jake finds Cougar in their old apartment. It’s empty, all their things long returned to family. Cougar’s things have long been shipped to Spain. Jake _had_ asked what he was going to do, and Cougar had shrugged. Jake wants to ask him to come home with him, stay, never leave, because he’s still reeling from the last loss, and he’s not sure he’ll survive a life without Carlos Alvarez.

The kitchen, for once, doesn’t smell like anything. No burning cookies, no tamales — no Roque waving the French knife around.

His eyes sting. Thinking about Roque is an exercise in self-control, Jake wants to break something at the thought of him. They’d been family, and he’d hurt them. Looking at this empty shell of an apartment, Jake realises it isn’t home anymore. That part of his life is over. Home is Jess and Beth and the house in New Hampshire. It’s Tony and obscenely long arguments about pizza chains and their rankings.

Home is early mornings in Jess’ basement bedroom, Cougar sitting up in bed with Jake’s coffee mug in his hands. It’s stolen kisses and the gentle smiles Jake — only Jake — is ever granted and he can’t do this any other way. The words rush out of him in their need to escape Jake’s mouth.

“God, I am so stupidly in love with you.”

Cougar whips around to face him, eyes wide. Then he moves so fast that the hat is flying off his head and tumbling onto the floor — _what even_ — and Cougar has Jake’s neck between his palms, and they’re kissing, and kissing, and there’s nothing stopping Jake anymore.

Cougar kisses him like it’s a great privilege, like he’s precious and something to be cherished, and God, does Jake want to be cherished, to lavish Cougar with the same tenderness he’s being bestowed.

Jake lifts Cougar onto the countertop and pushes himself between Cougar’s legs, mouth trailing down Cougar’s neck. They’d never done this before, so out in the open and risking discovery. But before, such things had mattered. Now he doesn’t care who knows, Jess or Clay or the whole damn army. Jake loves Cougar, and if he were dared to scream that into the PA system of the entire base, he’d do it in less time than it would take Cougar to say _vamos a morir todos_.

Then there are forceful hands pushing up against his shoulder and Cougar scrambles away from him, sliding over the kitchen island and jumping off, until there’s nearly two awful metres separating them.

“ _No puedo,”_ he croaks out.

Right. Just because Jake loves Cougar doesn’t mean the feelings are returned. Humiliation is a streak of heat across his cheeks. “Coug, I’m sorry. It’s okay. I mean, you kissed me, but I mean, I’m pretty hot, I get that, but I get this loud and clear. Let’s just pretend I didn’t say what I said, and we can go on being best friends, okay? Okay, great.”

“Jake.”

“It’s fine. Really. I wasn’t expecting you to be in lo—” Had Cougar always known how to silence him like this? With a single finger to his own lips and bright, shining eyes?

“Jake, _te amo mas que nada en el mundo._ ”

Catastrophic system failure. Maybe the sound card’s stopped working. By the time his brain translates what it can of that sentence, his breathing application no longer works.

“Really?”

“ _Si.”_

“Then what’s the problem? Let’s go home. There’s this house near Jess’s. It’s two blocks away, and it’s smaller. I’ve been thinking of buying it for a while now. Let’s move in. You can have your own room: space is important, I get that. We can get actual jobs, and buy furniture together, and take out your grandmother’s stuff and—”Jake’s voice freezes in his throat as Cougar shakes his head. “It’s too fast. Okay. You make the choices. I’m here. I’m yours. How do you want this? Whatever you want. Tell me.”

“I can’t, Jake.”

Jake knows it’s immature. He hates that Cougar considers him less experienced and in need of protection, and the least Jake can do is be an adult right now, but he can’t help the tears. Cougar’s a foggy mess in front of him. “ _Why not?”_

“I killed them all. I killed… him.” Cougar takes steps backwards, as if the kitchen island isn’t enough distance between them. “I can’t touch you.”

“Cougar…” Once again Jake fights to find the right words. “You told me it wasn’t my fault. If it isn’t mine, then it can’t possibly be yours. It’s on Max. He took our home, our family, he took Roque. Don’t let him steal this too. Just stay with me, that’s all I ask.”

A pregnant pause, and Jake can barely breathe. Cougar stops moving.

“I have nothing to give you.”

“Well, that’s a lie. You have you,” Jake says, walking slowly towards Cougar. “Please. Don’t go. If you love me, don’t leave me alone. We don’t have to kiss, or make love, or do any of the stuff couples do. We can just be roommates. You can even pay rent by cooking. And maybe finding my lost socks.”

He stops about a foot away, and holds his hands out to Cougar — one wrist is still blue from their encounter in the plane. Instead of taking his hands in his own, Cougar slowly wraps his fingers around Jake’s wrists. “Townhouse, huh?”

Jake smiles. “You can even have the attic bedroom. Just imagine, you can see the whole block from up there…”

-

The base isn’t home anymore, but it doesn’t matter; Jake’s home has always been people. It was Jess, and then Tony came along, and Beth too. Home’s not a place, he knows that. Home’s where your loved ones are, and Jake’s looking at his. It’s not about the base, or a house near Jess. They already have the rock solid foundations of home in each other. And Jake knows, between him and Cougar, they’re going to build something that will last.


	9. Epilogue

_One year later._

“It was totally a foul though!” Jake shouts, waving his whisk in the air. Cougar sits at the breakfast bar, drinking coffee and sorting out the morning mail. Jake’s on breakfast duty as punishment. Except he totally doesn’t deserve it. Who gets punished for being a good uncle? Apparently, only Jake Jensen.

Stupid Jensen Luck.

Cougar looks up at him with a single raised eyebrow. Jake shrugs in reply. He’s not ready to let it go. Last night had been Beth’s final game with the Petunias before moving on to the next age group, and that floppy disk of a coach had let another foul go.

It  _has_ to be a conspiracy, someone’s trying to hurt Beth, Jake’s sure of it. Maybe it’s a time-travelling Marigold who knows Bethie’s going to go pro and wants to stop her before she ever makes it that far. Too bad they don’t know how resilient Jensens can be. Like another unfair decision by a  _blind_ referee could be enough to stop Bethie-Beth.

Jake needs to call Tony and consider the possibilities. Tony’s not working on time travel, but maybe the weirdos at the Baxter Building are. You never know with Reed. Jake’s only met the man once, and he’s pretty sure the man’s discovered another dimension by now. Maybe…

“You know Beth hates scenes,” Cougar tells him.

“I know,” Jake groans. Beth isn’t talking to him at the moment — she even said she wouldn’t ever forgive him for embarrassing her in front of her friends. “But she was so clearly tripped! That referee has had a personal grudge against my Beth since, well, since that disagreement last year. But I am  _so_ done with her shit. Chocolate or banana?”

“Both.”

“Then pass me the bananas. I’m totally reporting her to FIFA.” Jake waves his whisk in the direction of the fruit bowl.

Cougar stands up, but instead of getting bananas, he walks towards Jake with an indulgent smile. “FIFA?”

“Is that the wrong league? I don’t know. We’ll figure it out — maybe I’ll mess with her credit scores!”

“No, Jake.” Cougar shakes his head and grabs Jake’s wrist.

“What?” Jake asks. Cougar waves his hand around the kitchen, and Jake’s eyes follow.

_Oops._

Jake winces, looking around at their kitchen, now splattered in pancake batter. Okay so maybe swinging around that whisk had been a bad idea. “I’ll clean that.”

Cougar gives him a deadpan look. Then he takes the whisk out of Jake’s hand and places it in the sink.

“I will! And I need that if I, I mean, you, uh — breakfast?” It’s hard to think with Cougar so close. It’s been a year, and every time Jake thinks he’s got his feelings under control, Cougar comes a little bit too close, or does something adorable with his face, and Jake’s right back where he began. He takes a deep breath and forces his feelings away. He’s managed a whole year of living with Cougar — even sleeping in the same bed as him — without pressuring Cougar into anything. Jake can do this. He loves Cougar, and the idea of not living with him sends a chill of terror down his spine. He’s happy with what they have — he doesn’t need kisses to survive. (Not that he would turn down the offer, though.)

Jake is so caught up in his thoughts he doesn’t realise until it’s far too late that Cougar has him cornered, has slowly pressed Jake backwards until he’s stuck between the counter and Cougar. Jake looks up at the wall clock, tries to concentrate on the seconds passing rather that Cougar’s proximity. If he looks at Cougar, he’ll get caught up in those eyes and that perfectly kissable nose. And he can’t have that, because then Jake might do something dumb and Cougar might leave.

“Jake,” Cougar wraps both hands around Jake’s wrists, and as always, Jake jolts back to the here and now. “ _Cálmate_ .”

“Relax? I can’t relax, what the fuck are you playing at, Cougar?” Jake blurts out, because this is difficult, and a little unfair. Cougar knows how much Jake loves him, how desperately Jake wants him. It’s one thing to sleep in the same bed — after all they’ve only just managed to sleep through the night — but this is just unfair. Cougar’s hair is so long now, locks of ebony spilling way past his shoulders, and Jake’s fingers itch with the need to run his fingers through them.

“ _Besame_ .”

Oh. Jake catches Cougar’s eyes in shock, and finds him looking back at him in amusement.

“Really? Oh God, am I dreaming? Is this happening? Oh crap, no. I can’t even. No,  _you_ kiss  _me_ . I cannot deal—”

Cougar chuckles and leans forward to press his lips against Jake’s. Cougar tastes like autumn, crisp like the cold and sweet like ripe plum. Jake’s in too much shock to kiss back, but when he finally remembers to, Cougar pulls away.

“Are you sure?” Jake asks. “Because I can wait. I mean, it’s really fucking hard, and sometimes all I want to do is kiss you. But I love you and I don’t want to rush you, Cougar. I don’t want…” Jake trails off.

If he fucks it up and Cougar leaves, Jake’s not going to survive. Simple fact.

“ _Te amo,_ Jake. Now take me upstairs.” Cougar lets go of his wrists to throw his arms around Jake’s shoulders. Then he smirks. “Unless you want breakfast.”

What else is Jake supposed to do than kiss that smirk away?

_Breakfast can damn well wait._ Jake throws his arms around Cougar and kisses the corner of Cougar’s mouth, his cheekbone, his forehead, savouring every moment. It’s not like they’re running out of time — they have the rest of their lives, and it’s gonna be awesome.  

**Author's Note:**

> This was my first fic in this fandom. Thank you so much for putting up with me, and sticking 'til the end. I hope you enjoyed the read! The Losers fandom is a small community, but you're all so wonderful and I've met so many amazing people through the Bang. See you around!

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Everybody's Favorite](https://archiveofourown.org/works/4829711) by [mific](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mific/pseuds/mific)




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